I wrote about them a while ago.

Heres my story with one of them.
His name is Eisa. I met his brother when I was in the 9th grade. Both of them absolutely floored me with how beautiful they were. Eisa was always two grades above me, his brother was one grade above me.
Mussa (his brother) and I exchanged IM names (yeah, turns out he was as geeky as me) and we talked all the time on messenger. We finally hung out..he came over my house and we kissed, and made out..you know..things 9th graders do. Eisa would actually bring him over to my house. Weird. Anyway…
Mussa and I eventually sort of quit talking and one day when I was about 16 or so I noticed his brother, Eisa, was online. So…I started to talk to him. We sent pictures back and forth and flirted a little…heres where the real romance kicks in.
He said I had a nice ass and I said “thank you, why dont you come over my house tonight and fuck me?” and he laughed and then said “are you serious?” and I said “yeah.” Within 20 minutes he was at my house and showed absolutely no signs of wanting to have sex with me. We watched a movie, we sat and we talked and laughed…for about 4 hours. Finally I told him to just kiss me and he seemed kinda shocked…and I said “Eisa, just kiss me.” So he did..and…we fucked. He was the best fuck id ever had at that point. Id only had one before him, LMAO. But, he was good..very good. Apparently he liked me too because he kept coming back, we formed a relationship, a very close, tight knit relationship. We were, honest to God, two friends who had sex. We were monogamous with each other and we just took care of each other, sexually.

He is the most guarded person I know. He doesnt have girlfriends or relationships, he doesnt get emotionally attached. But, I knew that I was special to him. I could tell how he held me and breathed on my neck at night when he stayed with me, how he spent every second he could with me, how he made love to me, how he kissed me, held hands with me, looked at me and smiled at me. All the conversations we had. I fell in love with him very quickly but I knew better. I knew better than to tell him because that would ruin everything we had and what we had was good. We enjoyed each other.

Then he told me he was moving to Knoxville to go to school. And, the feeling I felt when he told me that…I know ive felt many times but none that I remember so prominently…my heart fell down into my stomach and floated around there and then shot back up into my throat. He said it would be about a month, and we spent every day together until the day he had to leave. I remember hugging him, and kissing him and telling him not to forget me. I didnt cry. Not in front of him. But when he left…I sat on my bed, my bed that he had been sleeping in and making love to me in…and I cried. I cried because I would miss him. I was afraid he would forget me.

He didnt forget me. Everytime he came into Nashville he called me, and we would get together. Yes, most of the times we would spend nights together and have sex and he would hold me until it was light outside and he had to drive back to knoxville. This happened between us until I got with Soda. When I met Soda, of course, Soda swore me away from Eisa. Everytime Eis (thats generally what I call him) came into town, he would ask to see me, and I would turn him down. Hed ask to see me just for lunch..and I turned him down. Four years passed and I didnt see him, but he remained my favourite person to have sex with…lol.

In my life right now, I am not with anyone. I am not with Christopher because…hes just better as my friend. Im not with Soda because..well..Soda is having problems.
So, all of the sudden….Eis IMed me. Told me he was in Nashville. We talked for a night before we saw each other and I decided to bring up a subject I never had before. Us.
He told me everything I already knew. Things that didnt need to be said because it would complicate everything between us a lot more. He told me that I brought out something in him that no one else did. I dont want to go into real detail about that but….it was something I needed to hear. We saw each other that night and he told me that he knew I was never happy, and that out of everyone he knew he felt I deserved to be happy and he always wanted it so bad and could see, painfully, that I was never happy and that I was always very special to him. I knew I was special to him, because he was special to me. When two people feel something for one another, and it is truly equal, it is strong and it can remain unspoken, no matter how difficult.

I kissed him, after four years and he still had the softest lips id ever kissed, he still kissed me with the same intensity that he always had, an intensity that has remained unmatched even by certain someones ive been with for years. I told him that night that when I left I sat on my bed and cried…all those years ago. Seeing him again brought back a lot. That was the night before last. We sat in my car and talked for 4 or 5 hours and finally kissed, it felt so good. I backed away because it was just..an intense moment. He said in my ear “please dont stop…it feels good.” Lol and I got those butterflies you get in your tummy when youre a little girl and you know youre gonna pass the guy you have a crush on in the hallway.

Eisa HATES making commitments, love, relationships, all that. But, despite that he and I have something special. Something we dont talk about much.

The night before last, when he got out of my car to go home, I texted him…”I love you Eisa!”
I knew it was a mistake. I shouldnt have said those words. Then my phone vibrated and I read “I love you too, get online when you get home!”

Well, he just left my house. He stayed here last night. It was like old times. His skin smelled so sweet to me..and when I asked him why, in typical Eisa style he said “Its Dulce and Gabanna” lol. Yeah, not someone you would typically imagine me with. But, nevertheless, someone I love dearly.

I asked him if hed miss me while he was gone and he smiled at me and he said “I will miss you…” Im so happy that we were able to see each other again and we were able to bring back something we had very strongly even if it was just for one or two nights. Because, he brings something out in me too…we take care of each other. I like that. I need him and I know he needs me, in a few different ways. And, I know that we love each other.

About a month ago he commented me on myspace….and I commented him back and said something like “dont be a stranger, share you existence with me some..dont forget me” and he said “don’t worry.. can’t ever forget youre existence.”

Eisa…im not ever gonna be able to forget yours either. You wont ever read this..but thank you for tonight. I needed what you gave me very badly…youve never failed me even though I have failed you a good few times. I love you, I admire you…and as nasty as this may be…no one fucks me like you do..lol..thats always a plus.

So. When you got out of my car. I cried. I will miss you and I hope I see you again…I hope you need to see me again soon.

Yeah. Hes beautiful…:) <3333

You have always been just a friend to me. Well, yeah. A friend. But I cant help but love you. I think you just might love me too…and I think we are too afraid to talk about it to each other. It would fuck everything up.

Im glad I got to see you again. I was happy for 5 hours. After three or four years…I still care about you just as much and you are still just as special.

Thank you, and thank your brother for leading me to you.

Friend: okay will do..lol. I like those lip rings too ….lovely lmao… see my luck I would end up queefing during a clit piercing lmao
me: L MFAO

Jane says…
Im done with Sergio.
He treats me like a ragdoll.
She hides, the television..says I dont owe him nothin.

But if, he comes back again..tell him to wait right here for me.
Try again tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow.

Jane says…
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it.
She knows, they all want her to go….
But thats ok man, she dont like them anyways.

Jane says im goin away to Spain, when I get my money saved.
Gonna start tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow.
Im gonna kick tomorrow.

She gets mad..and she starts to cry.
She takes a swing man, she cant hit.
She dont mean no harm. She just dont know…I dont know. What else to do about it.

Jane goes..
To the store at 8.
She woke up on St Andrews.
She waits, gonna get some dinner there.
She pulls her dinner from her pocket.

Jane says I aint never been in love.
Dont know what it is.
She only knows if someone wants her.
Oh, if they want me.
I only know if they want me.

She gets mad. And she starts to cry.
She takes a swing man..she cant hit.
She dont mean no harm. She just dont know.
What else to do about it. Jane Says. Jane Says.

I found this a few days ago written on a piece of paper in a book of my ex-fiances, Sodas.

Anchor me.

Seven days have passed. I said I wouldnt call you.
Id do it on my own. But its very late at night.
This bed seems so empty so I picked up the phone.
Im so busy making plans.
But, I still need you to hold my hand.

Hold my hand and walk with me.
Help me find my own dreams.
My ship may sail its stormy seas
But, I still need you to be my anchor.
Anchor Me.

Am I asking too much?
Will you be there when I need you and long for you?Im not sure where we will be when its said and done…
But behind the darkest cloud…is still the sun.

I havent blogged in a minute. My life has changed…quite a bite and I am still honestly not that used to the adjustment and sometimes it catches up to me and its like..the best way to describe it…is that I am in a constant state of inertia.

I tried to give Soda another chance. Immediately I noticed some of my medicine (I take Klonopin) was gone.
But, even more immediately than that, I noticed that it was not the heroin..the heroin wasnt the reason I left him. I left him….because there wasnt anything there between me and him. He loved me, endlessly. But, I didnt love him endlessly. Which does break my heart. I hate that I dont love him the way he loves me. But, I just cant stay with him to make myself happy. I cannot stay with him…in mediocrity…in the misery equation..just to make someone else happy. Thats not good FOR ME and regardless of what anyone, anyone, anyone says….YOU should come before everyone else in your life. Life is very very hard sometimes but I dont believe that God (however you believe in it) puts anything on us we cant handle. No matter how painful.

Im going to try and keep this as simple as possible. I had been on heroin for about, two years. Sometimes I say three years because before that I was doing two 80mg oxycontins everday. No. I wasnt shooting dope up my arm. I was smoking it. I was…probably the most unhappy person that I, myself, have ever even encountered. But, when I was high….it was ok.

Soda and I. We had four years together. Four years…that I am never gonna get back. And, my heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces. Nope, we arent together anymore. I couldnt do it. We had a 140 dollar a day habit. Thats…a lot of money when you make what I make….WHAT I MAKE, seeings as how I was paying for him too. I dont even know how im gonna tell this story because…it doesnt make any sense to me…it just doesnt. I dont hate Soda. I never hated him and I never will….but..you know…as much as I would have liked to believe we were meant to be together…maybe we just werent because…I got tired. I started to get very tired and every moment I was able to sober up for a few minutes..I would question God, why did he force this life upon me? Why wasnt I allowed a sayso in whether or not I wanted to be here or not..and how…how in Gods name had my life turned out like this? I started to want out…months ago..but..I didnt wanna stop using heroin. He was my ticket to heroin, and I was his. We loved each other…but..we loved each other like fucking Sid and Nancy..ya know? Not healthy. I was spiritually dying and physically whithering away and everyone saw it, I think.

So..on Thursday April 10th Soda and I made plans to meet up with “the boys” (who we got dope from) as early as we could on Friday. We made these plans early in the day, because, by the time wed have gotten the money, theyd be closed down..aka..not selling. We hadnt had any money so it had already been one full day without heroin. For any opiate user, you know what that means. Soda fell asleep around…8AM. And, I was wide awake..sick.

I decided..I could cut my habit in half..if I got a hold of some needles. You read it right. I wanted to shoot dope into my fucking vein.

About a week before that, I experienced a horrible spell of depression and begged mom to try and find dads number, because, if anyone would understand…he would.

Well, anyway..here it was..Thursday morning. I got into my car…and I drove to a pharmacy thats widely known to supply needles to addicts. As im pulling into the parking lot..I get a phone call. I answer…and it was my daddy. I immediately broke down and told him what I was doing..and he told me to please not to ever ever ever use a needle and as long as im not on the needle, I gotta good chance of gettin off heroin. He asked if he needed me to come down to help me get off of it..I said no. But, that day sucked.

Soda had to work a double shift…I was restless and decided to go get my nose re pierced (I previously had both nostrils done) and I went to this..shop id never been in before…despite the fact id always gone to the same place for years..I just decided to go there.

I wasnt supposed to be there. Soda didnt want me having anymore piercings. Fuck it. I wanted them.
When I walked in…the first person I noticed was a guy..small guy…short, skinny…but….he had these gorgeous dreadlocks, and I could tell he was insanely shy and..I thought maybe he could be apprenticing to pierce..because..he came back into the piercing room with me while I got pierced..and watched.

I debated with myself..on whether or not to comment on his hair because…I was sure he got em all the time. Empty comments that meant nothing but “hey, dude, you look cool..”

So…I said..(he is red headed)
“I love your hair…its like..fire and fire is like death and death is..well, death is life. Its me and you and…everywhere we exist.” He didnt say much but “thank you.”
Piercing is over..but…he followed me out to the lobby..and I sat down..dunno why. He sat across from me and he said…”Ill do your hair for you…if you want me to..you know..ill lock it..ill have ya lookin fresh.” And, he smiled. I liked his smile. It made me feel…nice, and wanted…but I just felt this vibe between us..so we talked for a while just sitting there…and he was like hey..heres my number, blah blah..I gave him mine and then BAM I immediately thought…”I have a fucking boyfriend. Heroin addict boyfriend” and I said..”Just..be careful when you call me.”

And, I left.

At 1AM I woke up, sick as fuck. Sweating this putrid sweat. Something inside of me…pulled, and pulled for me to text message this guy. So, I did. I said “You awake?” and he said “Who the hell is this?” I said “girl from the tat shop, sorry, im a dumbfuck I dont know why I did this.”
He replied “No, get online, ill be home soon.”

So, he got online..and we talked..and I just..decided to ask…”Did you feel something between us? A vibe? SOMETHING?” and I sat there…on the edge of shitting my pants for being such an IDIOT to ask that question..and he said…”Yes. I did.”
We talked some more and he said “Hey, why dont you come to my house…we can watch the sunrise..” And I laid out the rules..no fucking, sucking, yadda yadda…I just want to see you. He said he wanted to see me too so..in a fucking TORRENTIAL rain storm, I drove to his room mates apartment. I didnt come home for 5 days.

It was about 4AM when I got there, and, remember..Soda and I were copping dope at 7:30. So..7:30 rolls around…and I told this guy, I said..”Look. Im gonna be realll honest with ya. Im on heroin. And, im about to start getting violently ill.” He said “Ok, lay down, ill get you some tea..I will take care of you.”

My phone rang. It was Soda. Wondering where I was. He woke up, and I was gone. And..I spoke the words I thought id NEVER EVER say..
“Soda..umm..im not coming home. I cant do this. Im sorry. I cant do this.” I hung up and..that was it.

The next 5 or 6 days was….a blur..I was sick. My body is now healed but my soul…my soul needs some working on.

Christoper is “this guys” name. Well, most people say Chris. I say Christopher because …I like the way he smiles when he hears me call him that. He took care of me. He helped someone he didnt even know, just because we felt “vibes” off of each other..and now..he stays with me.

In ONE day, I almost shot up dope, talked to my father for the first time in years, met a man who HELPED me, and started the process of starting my life over. I did all that without showing any emotion and now its time to start the process of healing my soul, my spirit.

You know, the night I spent with Christopher..the first night..I found a journal entry..in a spiral notebook. It was more like a Prayer. It was written on March 30th.
It said something along the lines of..

“Im having trouble being happy. Shiva, help me. I need your help…I feel like I havent even begun to learn to crawl in this life that has been forced upon me, that I had no say so in. You have always helped me..please…I LOVE you..help me.”

He helped me.

I have a lot to write about, which, I will when I have the time. But, all I can really say is that you never know what life has in store for you. People cross your path for reasons, no accidents happen in life, and that under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever…settle, or be unhappy.

Since I have made a new post thats really been worth anything…on top of that I havent been commenting like I should.

I really hate blogging without my laptop. Its just..ugh. I feel like I dont have the “freedom” to do it, if that makes sense. If I want to blog, I have to come into SODAS studio (where my old PC is, which is getting really fucking old because I am tired of his bitching that im in here, so its hard to be in here long enough to write a halfway decent blog entry). Plus, I have been working on a side project I have been trying to do for a while which is sort of..a retro erotica/costumed/fetish “modeling” site. I just call it Nuevo Retro. I put modeling in quotations because..I am not trying to get some kinda contract from some fake ass modeling company. I just want it to be me, and pictures I have wanted to take for a very long time, and hopefully some people paying for some shit..whether it be prints, video chats, or used items from the photoshoots (yep..guys WILL do that…pretty fucking weird, eh?) but, its gonna take a LONG time for me to get a fan base so im taking it slow, while working on it pretty hard…its gonna take a long time to gather up the material I need, to the advertising needed to get the very specific sort of members that would pay for what I am offering. BLAH. There is no full nudity on the site..actually..probably wont be much nudity at all. Maybe some boobies, but it will be mostly fetish. I have a lot of plans for it..and..if I dont make money from it..FUCK IT, at least I had a fun fucking time.

You know, I have been in a serious like…ditch of depression lately. As painful as they are, and as miserable as I am during them, I generally learn something very important during them. This time..I learned I wanted to take pictures of myself…erotica styled photographs, modeled after the great 1920s, and 1930s flapper girls, burlesque strippers, and silent film stars…and some fun stuff splattered in all over. Thats something ive wanted to do for years now..id like to pose like the stars I admire, possibly make some money doing it..if not….then at least I had a lot of fun doing it.

Well, I was going to write about a big event that happened in my life today but, I am just too tired. I will write about it tomorrow

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.

”

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.