I just heard on the news that someone tried to blow up Dick Cheney while he was over in Pakistan? L M A O. Im sure Dick Cheney didnt give a SHIT. You know, for being such a Republican Conservative asshole, hes kind of funny..not to mention really, really evil looking. Like if he looked at you the RIGHT way he could burn you from the inside out. By the way, his daughter, Mary Cheney (opens in a new window) totally looks like him with a wig on. Man is she DYKEY.

Ok, on with Angelina…
The “great humanitarian” (my asshole) Angelina Jolie has said to the public that it is the American Governments duty to help out with the situation in Darfur.

WHAT BITCH?

Have you NOT been paying attention to what SEEMS to happen when we go moseying around in other peoples business and intruding on their civil wars? IT DOESNT WORK. It makes things WORSE. Bitch, have you NOT been watching the news? Do you NOT see how many US troops and how many Iraqi Civilians have been KILLED becasue WE “decided to help?” I mean seriously..you cant be that fucking stupid.

Look at the situation in this country..ok..
We have, quite possibly, the best military in the world. I dont deny that and I dont have anything against our military. Its a job I wouldnt do, so if you do it and if it really is serving a purpose and not just serving the man, then you get my respect. However, right now, our military is at an ALL TIME LOW. Our troops are stretched thin, we have started a war on TWO fronts (it was hitlers biggest mistake to start a war on two fronts. what happened to hitler again? oh yeah, he lost the war and blew his venerally diseased brains out. ) and we are talking about taking military action against IRAN now. Iran is ACTUALLY a threat but instead we wasted our time with Afghanistan and Iraq and now not a damn person wants to join the military. Why? Because they see their future. Their future is being kept away from family, friends and loved ones and risk their lives for NOTHING. Let me repeat that. They are being kept away from their family and friends FOR NOTHING. THEN they return home to the great ol USA with both legs blown off because they stepped on a landmine, and have to go to some military hospital where they barely get taken care of. Where they are told by the government NOT TO TALK TO THE MEDIA ABOUT THE CONDITION OF THE HOSPITALS. Because “American people” dont need to concern themselves with how our military is being treated. WTF??

Ok. I went off on a little tangent there..anyways, Angelina Jolie is a dumbfuck.

Well, my boyfriend and I went over to my old apartment and got out everything that was left. There really wasnt much, some cleaning supplies and the kitchen table. I sat in there for a while and as much as I didnt like that place and as happy as I am to be living elsewhere..that apartment was just so..”me” and I had a lot of memories there. So its kind of weird to remember, and think about what I was doing at the time..bad arguments, great times..just everything on the timeline of my life..

So, I guess I am *officially* out of there now…

I have a couple pet fish. I have, two black moors, two golfish (three until one died), an albino corydora, a chinese corydora and an algae eater. A while ago, one of my black moors eye went missing. It didnt look like it deflated, it just looked like it had fallen right out of the socket. I had cleaned the tank the day before so I looked around for his eye but I couldnt find it..so..I figured one of the fiesty ass goldfish attacked him and I moved them to a seperate tank. Sadly, they were kind of neglected. I did not care for them like I should have, it killed one of them. The whole time I was moving I also just left them sitting in that cold apartment. I am ashamed to think I did it.
Anyway, tonight they were still alive. So I brought them to the new place and put them back in their original, well cared for tank with all of their friends. They already look much happier. They are my trooper goldfish.

Anyhow..we didnt get finished moving until like…3 because Soda couldnt get his moms car until about 1 (she was downtown at some CRS seminar event)…I have to get up early tomorrow (today) and go to some caregivers class on how to care for people with different cancers and stuff..I gotta get up in a couple hours actually.

Guess I need to go to bed.

Our culture and our society has NEVER respected women the way that we should. In other cultures there have been Goddesses. WOMEN. Goddesses are worshipped by MANY people, men included. These men were taught to kiss the feet of the women they worshipped and each and every woman in their lives were to be treated as living embodiments of the Goddess. In other cultures women have been venerated and worshipped for centuries, no matter how they looked. Goddesses were not and are not always depicted as beautiful, thin, radiant women..no way..Goddesses throughout history have always been portrayed as looking the way women REALLY look.  If you look at cave paintings and sculptures of Goddesses from Catal Hoyuk (Turkey) the Goddesses are very round bodied, not slim and petite. As a matter of fact, most ALL sculputres of Goddess from the Neolithic time period were..”fat.” (for lack of better terms.)
In the Hindu universe, in Sanatana Dharma, the woman has  ALWAYS  been worshipped and their image of what is “beauty” is completely different from the Western or American ideal of what “beauty” is.  The Goddess has almost always been depicted as a stout, big  boned, warrior type woman…

Here in America..we simply dont have that kind of ideology and its really a shame.
Our idea of what women should look like dont come from historical or religious figures. There IS no powerful woman in “western” religion.  Mary Magdalene was labeled as a whore despite the fact there is no information in the Bible to support such claims. Are there any powerful women figures in Islam? We all know the answer to that one. And, the only powerful woman figure in Judaism was cast off as a demon because she disobeyed Adam and wanted to have some sort of control on their relationship.
There is no real “Goddess” figure in our western society. Woman started out as a very oppressed being in our western world and up until recently WOMAN was not even allowed to VOTE. There has never been worship of women in our society. Our society was built by men who worshipped an unmarried virgin, what would he know about women? The only idea of women we have came from barbaric ideologies and religions that were brought here by merchants from the Middle East, Muslims who keep their women covered and rule over them at all times, and East Asia where they tied up womens feet and abort female babies (this is only some parts of East Asia, I do realize there has been goddess worship in many east asian animistic religions as well as forms of Buddhism, etc).
Our idea of how to treat women came from the Bible where it gives thorough instructions on how much you should sell your daughter for.
There hasnt really been any real venerated women in our society. There has been NO woman worship. Its almost as if woman is soley looked upon as a sexual being.

The closest thing we have to Goddesses in this country are fake, plastic airbrushed women who give off the idea that women should be perfect. They should have blonde hair, blue eyes, they should be thin, preferably under 130 pounds, big boobs, nice body, and be willing to spread her legs to any man that has anything resembeling a penis.

Thousands upon thousands of magazine covers have convinced women in this country that your stomach has to be flat in order for you to be accepted. You have to lose weight in order to look good. You have to be skinny in order for a man to want you. Your nose has to be turned up and cute! You HAVE to be able to SEE your cheekbones! Aging is looked at as disgraceful and ugly. There are massive amounts of anti aging and anti wrinkle products in this country that have made women ashamed of their age instead of PROUD that they have endured that many years on this earth and have earned every fucking wrinkle on their face. A woman in this country never accepts her position as a mother and tries to live through their youthful daughters. Women in this country are embarressed to be in photographs because the “camera adds 10 pounds.” We have women who want to spend THOUSANDS of dollars on their PHYSICAL beings. Knowing good and well that for the majority of people their physical looks just dont last past a certain age. And, once that is gone..what will they have? They will be worse off than when they started. Instead of being a bitter old bitch they will  be a bitter old bitch whos flesh is rotting off to reveal all the plastic she had hammered underneathe there when she was 20.

The image of women in America has created a society of young girls who resign themselves to puking every meal in the toilet JUST so she can look like Kate Moss. The image of women in America has created a fictitous, superficial, sad and pathetic mindset that many women of this country succumb to EVERY DAY. Its sad and its created extremely shallow people, people who would rather work on their outside, an outside that will change VASTLY in 50 years, as opposed to working on their inside that will only better with age.

Anyway. I just had to rant about that. I think its sad. People wonder what the future of America will be like? Well, we  better all get the fuck outta here because its not looking too bright.

I like baked beans because..

When I get the munchies in the middle of the night and I crave something sweet, I can eat baked beans and since they have brown sugar in them, they are very sweet to the taste.

They are REAL FOOD. So, when I crave something sweet I can just eat baked beans instead of a chocolate bar that will ruin my teeth and rot my stomach.

They are a healthy, sweet alternative to midnight snacking.

That is why I like baked beans.

Ok..I have a real rant to go on here. I have written about this person before in my blog, but not this one..I wrote about this person in my LJ and I think it was close to one of the last entries I wrote there before I moved..so If you want a little background information on this entry check out this entry in my livejournal.

So..this guys been acting super shady lately, even more shady than normal, if you could possibly imagine that. He is now accusing his girlfriend of SMOKING CRACK. Ok, this girl is like..five or six months pregnant I dont know and dude..shes just NOT smoking crack. Theres no way shes smoking crack. Thats something that you cant really hide especially if your boyfriend sells it. Shed either be begging him for it, or just straight up stealing it from him, you know?

So..last night this guy was supposed to be getting some weed for us and instead of being thorough and calling and telling us he couldnt do it, he just didnt answer our calls (which is not likely for him, at all) so my boyfriend called a mutual friend of theirs named Brandon to see if Brandon had talked to JC (the boyfriend). Brandon says that hes probably not going to be hanging around JC anymore because last night him and a couple friends were staying in a hotel room with JC and his girlfriend (theyve been living out of hotel rooms lately) and there were a group of people that were in the hotel room in the bathroom smoking crack (!!!!!) and when they came out, JCs girlfriend went in because she had been waiting to use the bathroom. She was in there for maybe, 50 seconds and then came out and laid in the bed under the covers to go to sleep and JC stars accusing her of smelling like crack (even though shed just used the restroom in a bathroom where all of his stupid fucking friends were smoking crack). He was implying that shed went in there and smoked, what the fuck? Anyways..
About 15 minutes later after JCs girlfriend was asleep, Brandon said JC started accusing everyone of giving crack to his girlfriend and no one had given her or sold her anything. THEN, Brandon said that JC went over to his pregnant girlfriend and dragged her out of the bed and started to beat on her.  Everyday its something new with them and everyday it gets worse and worse. Why she is choosing to remain in this relationship and possibly subject her child to this bullshit.

The other day they came over here to hang out and smoke a little bit and her eye was kinda black but I didnt even think twice about it and I heard them on the couch talking and he said something about her calling the police on him and she was like ” if I was gonna call the police on you then I woulda done it the first time this happened.”

I dont know whats gotten into him. While I dont believe its his girlfriends fault, at all, you have to wonder why the hell she is allowing him to treat her like this? She has a job and she allows him to take all of her money and when he is nice enough to actually let her keep her check, she says she keeps receipts for everything that she buys just so he wont accuse her of buying drugs with her money.

Someone needs to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. Next time I am alone with her im going to try and talk to her about some shit. I mean, my boyfriend and I used to have some physical problems, nothing like what she seems to be experiencing but we would fight EACH OTHER, I would hit him, etc so its not like he was hitting on me or beating on me..but maybe if I let her know that we used to have some physical problems she will feel like she can talk to me about this and maybe I could talk her into calling the cops on him. I completely think the cops should be called on this guy because he is jeopardising the safety of his unborn child as well as battering on a woman. Its really a sad situation and if she would just call the cops on him he would know that shes not fucking around and shes not going to be disrespected like that without him enduring the consequences.

Someone needs to talk to him and let him know that the first time he ever hit her was the first time she began to think about ways she could bring him down and everytime he hits her its just pushing her closer to convincing herself that some sort of action needs to be taken but the longer she waits, the more danger she is putting herself into.
Without her, he would be nothing. Without her he would have no partner in life, he would have no true human being that he could trust.

Anyways..this entry was long as shit..but I had to write about it.

Tonight I have found myself crying because I will probably never go to India. Probably never.

India has been a huge part of my life for years now and I know everyone thought it was just a phase but India has overcome and BEcome a staple in the way I think, the way I live, and the way I wake up every morning to greet the sun. Hinduism has molded me, finally, into a somewhat emotionally stable person who revels in life, its lightness and its darkness, its perfection and its evils. India has guided me to my own personal love and adoration for her. Hinduism has guided me to my own inner peace and identity with the divine.

I would absolutely DIE to go to India. A lot of people say horrible things about India like…”Oh! You will get diahrreha! People piss in the streets in India! The Ganges is so dirty, dead bodies are in there! Indians stink, why would you want to go there? Arent you afraid of terrorism? Shouldnt you be afraid because you are white? Why would you want to go to India???!!”

I would probably get diahrreha if I went to India. The shits are nothing new to me. I would  be absolutely elated to get the green apple splatters..IN India.
My boyfriend pisses on the streets here.
Im sure there have been more than a few bodies pulled from the Cumberland river.
I would be no more afraid of terrorism there than I am here.
Why would I be afraid to go to India because I am white? Indians love gori’s.
I want to go to India because it is unlike any other place all over the globe. I want to see the contagious smiles of Hindus, I want to feel the hustle and bustle, the rickshaw rides, I want to buy a murti of Ganesh from a street vendor, I want to see the bright colors of the textiles, I want to experience the raw spiritual culture that is India and has MADE India unlike anywhere else for an eternity. But most of all, I want to experience the land that I have spiritually identified with for the better years of my life. Just to see the sun in India, my life would be complete.

So, whats keeping me from going there? I dont know. But I seriously think I am going to suck it up, save money, and FUCKING GO TO INDIA. Im gonna find out how much it is, and work my ass off saving money until I can go for about three weeks. I keep saying, every year that im gonna go. But I HAVE to go. There is no way I could leave this world still wondering what it is like to visit India. You really only get to consiously live life once and…God..I couldnt imagine…

Is there anyone out there, besides me of course, that listens to coast to coast AM with George Noory?

I was listening the other night, and Art Bell was hosting the show. I think he hosts on weekends or something I cant remember. Anyway, a guest on his show was a guy who said hed been in contact with aliens for about 15 years and he had a theory that UFO sightings and alien encounters happen because of the intent of the people being visited. Art Bell also shared the same belief that encounters happen because of the projected will and intent of the people who encounter the ships or beings. Art Bell decided to have a “mass consiousness” type experiment where he asked his listeners (probably about 15 million people, or so) to turn off their radios for about 9 minutes during a commercial break and concentrate on sending positive intent to extra terrestrial beings. So, I participated.
Anyways, about 10 minutes after the experiment, mass UFO sightings were reported on all sorts of internet sites. It seems like the first report of a UFO came from Vancouver, BC..two of them, hovering slowly at about 20mph across the sky.

Anyways, I dont know why I felt like writing about that. I just did.

Anyone else in the land of nye tune in to coast to coast?

Well I am officially moved. Even more official than my last entry. If you want to see a picture of my living room check it out http://www.flickr.com/photos/lesterluigi/393422827/ but it may pop up on my random pictures.

I havent done really…anything the past couple of days other than move. So, theres nothing even mildly interesting to report.

I like my new place. I feel very comfortable here, I can have my front door open..its pretty nice. Oh yeah..the monitor to my desktop computer is BROKEN. Its beyond all repair so im gonna have to just suck it up and buy a new one.
Im also not really sick anymore so that means..back to doing my own work..starting today especially. Matter of fact, Soda is bitching at me right now to get off the computer and get ready to leave..so I guess thats whatI need to do.

Be back later.

I cant sleep. I go through this every once in a while..its pure torture. I think the inability to fall asleep is far worse than being deprived of sleep, or being kept awake against ones own will.

My friend had to write an essay about herself. What an unusual, but very creative topic for an essay. I think that writing about yourself is probably good soup for the soul. It isnt everyday that we kick back and really have a conversation with ourselves, about ourselves. The vast majority of people are not introspective or self analytical. When, I think we should be.
There was a time when I analyzed everything around me.  Why I was brought into this world. Why I had to be here. But, I have never asked myself why I AM here.

When someone asks you..Who are you? How do you respond? What would you say? What defines you? What defines me?

Ive thought about this the last few minutes and I can honestly say that I dont have an answer. Im not exactly sure what defines me as a human being, as a living entity. I know what I like and what I dont like. I know my interests, what kind of music I enjoy, I am well aware of my sense of humor and what makes me sad or angry, or even happy..but I dont really know who I am.
After reading Sarahs essay on herself, I was compelled to write something about myself. About my real personality and what makes me who I am. I guess it would be my spiritual makeup.

I would, off the bat, define myself as an eccentric. I am somewhat of a “strange character” and it has sort of isolated me in different ways during different parts of my life. There have been a lot of times in my life where I tried to disguise my eccentricity, but it always kind of shined through. Now, in my young adulthood I have come to terms with my unconventionalism and I kind of enjoy it. Despite being an extremely extroverted child I have grown into someone who keeps to herself most of the time. When I was younger I put myself in the middle of everything and now I seem to isolate myself from everything. When I was a teenager I hated to be alone, now I cherish being alone and prefer it. I have been depressed and anxious for the vast majority of my life. Probably  partly due to genetics. While now, I dont consider myself depressed, I still battle with myself constantly. Being depressed has caused me to serverely withdrawal from everyone and everything. However, needless to say, depression introduced me to myself. It taught me to look into everything and question it with pessimism. Even now that I have come out of my depression, that is a trait that I will always carry with me.

Being depressed probably shaped and formed me into who I am. I never thought about it like that, and would never have even looked at it from that viewpoint. But when I became sad, I started to search for something to fill up the emptiness that was inside of me. I found spirituality and became a very spiritual person. Ive come to use my spirituality as a coping mechanism and it works very well for me because that is one thing that no one could ever tear down. I consider myself an eclectic spiritualist.
I have always been opinionated and I remain that way. I guess I am intelligent. People have told me that I am intelligent, maybe in their eyes I am, but, in my eyes, there is always room for improvement.

I would be lying to myself if I didnt say anything negative about who I am. But,  there are some things and feelings that should be kept private no matter how relevant they are to who you may be. I have a lot of very deep rooted feelings and emotions that I will probably never come to terms with, or be ok with. I procrastinate, I dont apply myself, I am lazy, I dont try to make anything of my life, I am ultimately not ok with where I am in my life right now, I have never tried to be anything..when I know that I could be something if I really tried. Its not fair to blame all of this stuff on people who negatively influenced me..but I honestly think that had my childhood been different, had I had a different relationship with my father, I would be more. My mother wouldnt have babied me and spoiled me so much, and I would know the value of having my own. God bless the child thats got his own.
Past all that, I am only 20. I am young and I have a long time to correct the things that I dont like about myself.

The people in my life have been great. They have all accepted me without falter. Maybe they laughed a little while I went through all my phases and changed, but they have stood by me and accepted everything about me. Even my never present father who once said he would disown his child if they ever got anything peirced..hah. The only person who doesnt accept me for who I am is Soda. Thats something I battle with daily and its an issue with my self esteem.  Sometimes I talk about the tattoos I want to get, or an item of clothing and he calls it stupid or acts like he would be embarressed of me. It hurts me a lot and sometimes I wonder why he cant accept me for who I am because..I accept him fully. He has no fashion sense, he doesnt bathe regularly, he never cuts his hair, his shoes are full of holes, he wears jewelry that id never be caught dead in, he talks ALL the time for minutes on end..but I never say a negative word about it. I would never want to hurt his self esteem like that. But because of the way he acts towards me at times, it has made me question myself, my motives, the way I dress, the things I say. It has caused me to shield myself from him. I cannot be my true self with him and thats painful.

So, in conclusion. I am an eccentric, an introvert, an eclectic spiritualist, I procrastinate, I tend to think negitively, I am lazy, smart. I question myself because someone I love questions me, I am ultimately afraid of what people around me think of me. Most of all, I am human and I feel just like everyone else does I guess.

This was a long entry.
I couldnt sleep and I had that very anxious feeling. Like I needed to escape and get out of here. But writing this helped.

Who said blogging was a bad idea?

One day from the big moving day. I wonder how its gonna go..ive never embarked on something like this with Soda. Last time I moved, he was in Minnesota and I did it without him.
Im in a REALLY shitty mood. Today totally fucking sucked. This is the first day Ive felt better in a while and I didnt do anything but bag up fucking garbage and pack..now im bored as SHIT and angry or something. I guess I could go in the kitchen and pack more stuff..I cant wait to get outta here. Apartment living is horrible. Absolutely horrible. I know I bitch about this all the time but in a couple days..I wont be bitching about it anymore.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day..and guess what? I totally forgot. I didnt get Soda ANYTHING and..im pretty sure he didnt get me anything. Not to mention we are broke, but I may get paid tomorrow, if I dont get paid tomorrow..then I get paid Thursday. BUT..my mom said shes got me a wal-mart card for Vday tomorrow so I can go get curtains and sheets and a bedspread and rug for the new place.  We MIGHT get the key tomorrow. If not tomorrow, then Thursday..lol..Thursday is a big day. It would rock SO MUCH ASS to get it tomorrow though. Probably wont happen. Here I am just rambling on and on..when theres nothing to even talk about.

Oh yeah..I think I have an ear infection. Or something.