So, the other day I got an email saying the following:

Hi–My name is ~~~~, and I saw your posting about converting to Hinduism on Beliefnet. I’m a writer doing a story for ~~~ about women who found their faith or converted religions, and I was wondering if you’d be interested in talking. I’ll be profiling six women from a variety of backgrounds and religions about their experiences–how they came to their spirituality, what their faith gives them and so on, and I would love to talk with someone about Hinduism in particular.

If you are interested, you can email me here at ~~~~~, or give me a call at ~~~~~ Or–if you know of another person who might be interested in being included, please let me know.

Also, could you let me know which part of the country you’re from? (We’re looking for geographic diversity.)

Thanks so much in advance, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Yours,

~~~~~~

I thought it was pretty cool. I am still kinda skeptical so I have not included any names or the name of the magazine. I did look up the magazine on google and its a national magazine. Its a typical womans magazine targeted towards women in their late twenties, early thirties and into their fourties. Homemaking, inspirational stories, etc. So, im gonna go to Walmart later and see if they carry the magazine there and also look for the guys name inside the mag where it gives writer and editor credits and all that.

Anyways I emailed the guy my story and he emailed me back and said that my age might be a problem, because I am young and the magazine is targeted towards women in their late 20s and onward but he said after hearing my story he thinks the editors will really like it and if they do and everything works out ill be interviewed by phone and they will send a photographer out to photograph me.

ISNT THAT COOL??? Ill update.

UGH. Im starting to be really unhappy with my job. They keep making simple errors that are totally their fault but it directly effects my paycheck. They made a mistake and found out they were double paying me. I had no idea about this I was just doing my job and I thought I was getting paid normally, turns out, they fucked up, I got a call saying they were going to be deducting all this money from my future paychecks to make up for three months of them “over paying me.” So, basically, im going to be living extremely tight. It just pisses me off that everytime I turn my fucking head they are making it harder and harder for me to do what I have to do. My job is REALLY easy. It should be totally low stress and I should be happy that I get ANY money doing what I do but ive been working for these people for..about two years now and I havent missed a day in about a year so they should cut me some slack, lmfao. Im the queen bee. I wish.

On another note, ive got a situation im working on where I could be making a very good amount of money and I hope that comes through.

Recording yesterday went pretty good. I just did some scratch vocals that arent going to be kept and then next Tuesday I will be doing my full vocals..alone..in a booth by myself.

Yeah. So, I have not been updating very frequently but thats because my life is boring and I dont ever do anything cool!

St Patricks day was horrible. I went to bed at 8pm. I swear I had EVERY intent to get drunk, it was even Saturday night, but, whatever. I was tired and I cant even remember what Soda was doing.

Ive been living extremely strapped for cash the past week or so. It SUCKS. I hate money, everything revolves around money and regardless of my total disdain for it, I still need it and rely on it more than I need and rely on anything else in this world. Car broken? Money. Need a place to live? Money. Wanna get fucked up? Money. Stove broken? Money. Wanna smoke some weed? Money. Hungry? Money. Its a cycle of debt and death.

In other news. My band is recording on Tuesday. Im pretty scared because we are going to an actual studio to record..I dunno. Im just really nervous and I dont even know if I wanna do it. Im definitely having some second thoughts but I need to get over it because being in a band is so fun. Everyone seems to generally care about me and take my feelings into consideration, they all know im nervous and uncomfortable and they work with me. My vocals are fine, great actually, however…I dont DO anything while im singing. I just kinda stand there and for a metal band..thats totally unacceptable.

So, last night, I had a crazy dream.

I dreamt that I was in Canada (lol) and I was hanging out with this guy, we were riding the bus together. Turns out, the guy was dead and it was his ghost that was riding the bus, he was riding it back to his home that was burned down and him and his family were burned to death in. So he was kind of on an eternal bus ride, so to speak. Anyways, at a certain time of the night his ghost took the original form of a badly burned corpse. Then, out of nowhere, I was hanging out with my friend Sarah (who lives in Canada) and she gave me some kind of weird hallucinogen and when I ate it..I hallucinated the following:
I had a bright yellow crotch rocket motorcycle and I was riding it on rainbows in the skys as I was passing brightly colored images of Hindu Gods in various dancing positions.

Isnt that weird?

Today I checked my email and I got a comment from someone on my last entry. The person told me that they believe Jesus is THE way and not A way. How cute.

I dont really mind Christians and I LOVE the history of Christianity. Anyone who knows me personally knows how much respect I have for Christian theology and Early Christian History. I know everything from the rarest of Christian Apocrypha and Jewish Psuedgraphia to the great schism, to the ecumenical councils and the councils of Nicea right up to the formation of Protestantism and what has become Modern Christianity, a sad, pathetic bastardization of what was once a great faith.

Now, I realize that I lost most “Christians” at “theology.” Now theyre just flipping angry that I called Christianity a bastard! lmao.

Anyways..
I dont have a problem with Christians and I really dont have a problem with Christianity on a general basic level.  I dont like belittling a faith because the faith is not what makes the religion a peice of shit. Its the people who believe in the religion. Everyone knows its true. Islam is not making people strap bombs to their chest and blow people up, its the stupid fucks who are misinterpreting their texts and taking it upon themselves to carry out sick actions for their religiously motivated political ideals.
There are Christians all over the world who fascinate and intrigue me, but my beef is really with AMERICAN Protestant Christians, and a little more widely, people who practice the modern Western form of Christianity. You know..the Ted Haggard, Benny Hinn, Jerry Falwell, Shepards Chapel type Christianity. So if you arent this type of Christian and you allow others to live and let live, then please, do not be offended because I am not talking to you.

I have a hard time relating Jesus to 1500 people worshipping in a multi million dollar man made building, singing songs written by white men, and listening to a guy whos driving the newest Jaguar bought with contributions from the people who are sitting there hanging on to every work hes fucking saying.

I have read the Nag Hammadi Library. I have read all of the secret “books” and Apocryphas. I have read the Dead Sea Scrolls and I just do not think that The Bible portrays Jesus in an accurate light. When you read on the history of Christianity and you see all of the rewriting and omissions that have been put into the “canonized” version of the Bible, you really have to ask yourself if you should believe what youre reading.  Im sorry but I just dont see the point in putting so much heed into something that is, very openly, written by a bunch of old dudes who literally sat around deciding what should and should not be put into the Bible. It doesnt make any sense to me and yet millions upon millions of modern Christians put stock into this crap and seem to totally ignore the history of their religion like it just did not exist.  You are RELIGIOUS for a reason. You are RELIGIOUS because you believe in what is written in your RELIGIOUS text. You believe the dogma and the doctrine, you put faith into it. There is no room for true faith or spirituality in something that has been 100 percent manipulated by man and continues to be manipulated by man every single day. Thats just a small reason why I dont like the vast majority of modern Christians.

The other reason, and the main reason, is directed more at “conservative Christianity” even though its really not something I have against the Conservative right, its just something that I observe.

Christians use the Bible as moral criteria and yet they dont treat sins equally as it says to do in the Bible. There is only ONE sin that should be treated ANY differently than the other ones and that is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit (guess im goin to hell, lol). So the same Christians who dont support gay marriage and burn down abortion hospitals are out there smoking pot and fucking before theyre married.
A lot of modern Christians are not philosophically consistant. They are philosophically  INconsistant in  their beliefs. They are cafeteria Christians who pick and choose what sins are RIGHT and what sins are WRONG. THAT to me should be the ultimate form of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. If there is ONE crooked fucking religion, it is the religion of Christianity. It has been manipulated SO MUCH that is has turned into a cesspool of hypocrites and perverts who use their man made religion to justify how inequal they treat people, or they simply use the Bible as a means to justify their own sick behaviour or to cover up what theyve REALLY been up to. Look at the “examples” of Christians in the American Media. We have Rush Limbaugh, the guy who believes that “drug addicts” should be put into labour camps, then one year later it comes out in the news that Mr. Limbaugh is an OxyContin (heroin anyone?) addict. Then we have Ted Haggard who spent his free time visiting gay bars to preach the Gospel to gays and try to convert them back to Christ. Then we find out that for the past three years hes been snorting methamphetamine and fucking a gay escort. Im not even going to say anything about the Priests. We ALL know what theyve been up to.  And if you say that these people cant be used as examples of Christians in the Media than Osama Bin Laden cannot be used as an example of Muslims in the Media. Maybe Christianity is so rampantly followed because its EASY. Being Christian is EASY. You can snort meth and have gay sex on Saturday night, go to church on Sunday morning and purge your sins and everything is ok.

Christian has given the word “religion” a bad name and pretty much anyone who is anti-religion can tell you that.

I dunno. Thats just my 2c.

By the way, I was raised Christian..so..dont give me any stupid bullshit. Ive been there, done that. Also keep in mind this is MY site and if you dont agree with me then you can keep your ideas to yourself because I didnt ask your opinion.  xD

I used to have anger problems.

Used to. Seriously. I dont have them anymore. Suddenly, at some point in my life, I became a very complacent, mellow person.

So, I started thinking this morning and I visited a time in my life where I was consumed with anger. I cant manifest those feelings inside of myself anymore. It wont happen. Believe me, thats a GOOD thing.
I realized, on the toilet, that I am a very spiritually advanced human being. Especially for my age. I was also told by a very good tarot reader that I am beyond spiritually advanced and I need to fine tune my psyche. I totally believe her.

Anyways…somewhere between there and here I became very unattached with the negative parts of my mind. The hatred and the anger just started to fade away so fast that I didnt even realize it. Life is life..is life is life. I used anger as a mechanism to TRY and control situations I was in. It took about 19 years before I realized that it never ever worked. Being angry and acting out in anger just never REALLY put me in control of the situation. The minute I let the anger take hold was the minute I had entirely lost control of what was happening in my life.
When I stopped caring, I stopped being an angry person.
Things in my life started to unfold and I began to understand that I cannot control life. Life and reality is a separate thing from me. I cannot be so attached to it that I strive to control it.
Nothing makes me angry anymore. I mean, I get mad, sure..everyone does, but, it doesnt last. Its not something that makes a mark on my soul because I am not attached to the emotion. The energy that I want surrounding me is not negative energy.

My boyfriend and I argue and he always says it seems like I dont care. I dont care that we are arguing and I dont care that hes upset. Thats not true. I do care. I am just unattached from the part of my brain that used to make me angry and that used to make me try and control and manipulate the situation into something I strived for it to be.

I have found now, that I am in more control than ever. Its a very Buddhist thing of me to say..but its true.
Disconnecting myself has put me in control. Hm.

[Edit]

I wanted to add a couple of things…before I have to start cleaning and doing adult shit…
Spirituality matters to me because it will be the only thing I carry with me upon my death. Thats not the ONLY reason my spirituality matters so much to me. I believe either you are born a spiritual being, or you are not. Sometimes as children, religion is imposed upon us and I believe thats wrong, however, if you are born a spiritual being you will always come back full circle. You may be raised a Christian and because of that religion being forced upon you, you feel animosity and hatred for that faith, and you leave it, but because you need God the minute you leave the Christian church you start a spiritual journey that will last a lifetime and it will come full circle for you, and by that time, you will be a fully realized spiritual being who understands that no religion is the right religion, and no God is the right God, but that every faith is the right faith and every God is the true God.

Its been a couple days. Ive been in one of my lazy moods, they usually last about a week, haha.

So, anyways, I got accepted for the SuicideGirls and im gonna do it. I just got accepted at face value, which im sure they accept most girls at face value. The real test would be..do they accept me after I submit one of my sets? If it works out, that would be pretty cool. Hmm.

I cant hardly wake up today for some reason. Its 3pm and its burning UP in my house. My stupid boyfriend left the heat on in the living room last night (radiant heat) so of course its..unbearable now. Anyways this entry was stupid..

When I listen to Kill Em All, by Metallica…

It makes me feel like I have God like Metal Powers and I want to go around town picking up random Americans gas guzzling SUVs and start throwing them into the windows of department stores. All while headbanging and drinking a huge bottle of vodka.

I have this weird feeling I am going to lose my job soon. That could be me being completely over paranoid, like always, but, something is telling me otherwise. It really makes me think about my life and the way I spend my money.

I get paid, blow it all, and then im broke again until I get paid and it just SUCKS. Its not like I dont make any money, I live decently. Pretty average..but my priorities arent in line because I still dont know the meaning of really valuing something. However, I think its good I am finally starting to realize this, hopefully in time to correct it.

I need to get right and start saving a little cash. Find some extra jobs on the side and just try and collect money to do something good in my life, like going to India, heh.

Maybe I need to try and do something to clear my karma. I dunno. Im getting so tired im delirious.

I had my tarot cards read today. I’ve had them read before, but before today they were never..ever accurate. The woman who read my cards was insanely and FREAKISHLY accurate. I told her absolutely NO details of my life. Ok..heres the scenario..

I went to one of my favourite bookstores called Cosmic Connections (Formerly Galatic Gateways) and they were giving free aura photography! I thought cool! So I signed up.
Turned out I signed up for the wrong thing, I signed up for a tarot reading instead.  Well, I was not disappointed. I told this woman nothing about my life. I literally sat down, we held hands for a minute and said a brief prayer and she began to read my cards. It was as if my life was unfolding before my very eyes.  Im not going to go into the details of the actual reading because they were pretty personal, but, I will just say she did a great job.

On another note, I got a new book to read. It is the Manusmrti. Manadharmasastra. In English its known as the “Laws of Manu” the ancient book of life for the Hindus. Love it!