I sort of feel like ive been neglecting my site..but I really havent. My sleeping schedule has gotten back on track, im going to bed at more reasonable times and working during the day, etc. So I have less free time to write..plus..ive sort of been throwing around the idea of starting my own soapmaking business, I guess? I mean, not really a business but..id like to handmake soaps and hopefully sell them.

I know, it sounds like a lame idea and I probably wont make any money but I think it would be so fun. Ive really been contemplating whether or not I wanna do it and..I think im gonna go ahead and just run with the idea because I will really never know unless I try.
So, the other night I did some adding up and figured up how much it would be all together to get started…it would be more than about $300 or $350, that includes banner/ad space for 6 months/advertising and my own webspace, plus everything id need to get started like the soap maker, the extra molds, extra bases, oils, bags, stamps, blah blah. Ive already got a game plan…
Two soap bases, three scents to start out with. Ill make some practice bars for my family..see how they like them, see how my ideas for scents and bases really mix and see if they work..so..I dunno. Hopefully it will work. What do you guys think?
I realize I have to stick with it and its not gonna happen in a months time..or even three or four months time, but this is a real trade craft that I could work with and overtime go somewhere with..I guess im sort of embarrassed about it but deep down inside im super excited

Earlier today I was at my moms house, we were sitting in her bedroom talking while she was getting ready to go to my aunts house. I saw that she had sat out some candles that I got her for mothers day and I asked..
“Do the candles I got you smell good?”
She said “Oh yeah they smell really good, I like them. Come here and see if you like the way this one smells.”
The only candle I saw around here was this red candle that was like..burnt all the way to the bottom..so I walked over and bent down and inhaled really big..

Thats when I realized that she had farted.

I think that my hip has struck again. Yesterday I was in bed all day because my hip is just..killing me. Its hard to make other people understand your own physical pain especially if there are no outward signs like a broken bone, or a cut, its very difficult to explain, I guess in the same way it is hard to explain..emotional pain. One tends to keep it to themselves and lament over it, quietly.
Its still hurting today, im not really sure what to do about the pain. It hurts to sit, stand, lay, ugh..it sucks.

Did anyone see the documentary on the History channel last night called “Hippies?” It was very very groovy. I wish that there could be a “hippie” type youth movement right now, in todays society..we need it. Its just that no one cares anymore. The original hippies were on the brink of a truely free alternative way to live. Society has changed so much and would never allow for anything like that to happen again.
What I would give to be on the streets of The Haight during 1967..my my my..

Y’know..my hip pain may be pyschosomatic..I realize that I do have a real, diagnosed problem with my sciatic nerve, but it seems to be severely  agitated by stress/depression/etc. I have felt depressed lately, I think its the overwhelming pressures of becoming an adult I feel this..contempt at life for forcing me to have to conform to societies ways and get a job. I am overwhelmed at the responsibility that lies ahead of me, and want to avoid it in every way possible.

I am so lucky to have the mother I do, who helps me so much and has catered to my eccentricities the very best she knows how. Ive always sort of..floated..done what I wanted, worked how I wanted, where I wanted, when I wanted..as free from restraint as possible. Right now im working as a contractor, contracted through a marketing company, I work 6 days a week, whatever hours I want pretty much…and I make ok money. I make enough to live, and I have enough left over to play a bit too..but one day..this will end. So, I found something else to do along with what im doing now and..I hope it comes through because there is career potential, or at least very long term potential in this job. So, I think that thinking about a “long term potential” job..has me sort of spooked at the reality that is..the rest of my life.

I dont know why the future is so scary for me. I am ok with change..I realize that change never changes but sometimes I wished things never changed.

Every year it gets harder and harder to make a decent life for yourself in this country, property values sore, rent prices go up…blah blah. I dont even know. Im just rambling pretty much.

Anyways, the last couple days ive been going through my hair and sort of, rebackcombing it..and oh em gee does my scalp hurt now.
Other than backcombing, ive decided to go all natural, no wax, etc and just shampoo with Dr Bronners (which should be coming in the mail sometime soon…) and its coming along rather nicely, within the last two weeks I can already tell that the “locks” that were washed out, are starting to reform on their own…exciting.

Ok im gonna rest some now.

Soda just came into the bedroom and said he needed to get something for his jock itch.

Then he told me that RED (of all people) said the way to cure it is to get the shower as hot as it will go, then spray your balls and stuff with it.

Then Red told him that even though that method works, its extremely dangerous, because it cooks your “organ” (balls) and allows them to be squished easier.

I said..
Coming from Red..you believe this?

He said..”Yeah. Red has it too.”

So I said..
Do you think maybe its just the crust yall got from..fuckinnastybitches? xD

I been actin chinese like sum yung ho!

Here Ye here Ye I will not be going to the Renaissance Festival because of the following two reasons:
One. My boyfriend wont wake up.
Two. Its too expensive. And, id have to pay for him..ugh.

Suddenly, this is all starting to get old again.

Let me just say..that I cannot STAND it that people copy me. It is flattering to a point, but people that I dont even personally KNOW are starting to do it and it just irks me that I cant be my own person without someone biting off my style which, I guess  makes me feel sorta good about myself, then again..its so fucking annoying.

I visit a chat room, I wont disclose the name, but the chat is visited by a few “non racists” or “anti racists” like myself, however, I think that the majority of the people who go there are racists or racialists in some way. Ive always believed in EQUAL RIGHTS. That no matter what a persons opinion is, they should be able to voice that opinion in an open forum, regardless of how utterly idiotic I think their ideas are. I dont agree with racism, I am not racist, however, I dont think it is necessarily right to ban those people from speaking their mind. If we can let everyone else speak their part, we should let them also. Freedom is equality, I do believe that.

Im starting to really think differently though, I am beginning to believe that racism should be eradicated at all costs, and that racists should be eradicated at all costs. Blacks, Whites, Muslim, Turkish, Arab, Chinese, Indian, Malaysian, German, WHAT THE FUCK EVER, if youre racist, I dont think you should be allowed to have an opinion. I know, that sounds so, weirdly Nazi-ish (lol) but im sooooo tired of people using tragedies where multiple races are involved, to push their STUPID fucking racist ideas.

Dont get me wrong, I am not some idealist who believes that there are NO differences between races, because there are. A very dear friend of mine who ive been friends with since, lol, 7th grade is black and throughout our whole lives, we have paralleled each other. She grew up in the “hood.” Was raised by a single black woman, etc. I was able to see, through her, that black culture is very different from white culture, and my white culture, was very different from her black culture. We learned through each other and never let any racial bullshit hold us back from just asking one another about being white, or being black. She asked me about white stereotypes, I asked her about black and we never let our “race” seperate us in any way. We celebrated the differences in our upbringings and in our lives. We laughed at them. The differences, right down to the sort of food we ate, were never seen as something we should shun or keep quiet about, or act like they didnt exist, they were a tool that we used to learn about our world, and the worlds that we didnt get to see, but had always wondered about. I know that there are social observations I make about white people, that fit stereotypes to a T. Its the same with just about every other race I encounter too. I heard a white guy say his cousin was lookin sexy. When I left the gas station today, the Indian behind the counter said “thank you, come again.” And, in that same parking lot, there was a black dude selling CDs out of the trunk of his car, then I proceeded to almost wreck into an Asian (lol no im just kidding, that didnt really happen). But, basically what im saying is, there are real differences, there are stereotypes that are true..but who really gives a shit? What difference does that make?? Not a damn one. Differences should be celebrated because wouldnt this world be a boring, vanilla place if we all looked and acted the same?

Anyways, onto the actual point and rant of this entry..

I got an e-mail today about two white people, a couple, man and woman, who were brutally, brutally murdered in Knoxville, Tennessee. They were murdered by 5 blacks. 4 males and 1 female. Im not sure why they killed this couple, dont know what their motive was, but it was a very sad story. At the end of the email it said the following:

Where be the Revs Al and Jesse? Are they providing counsel and help to the families of the victims?

Of course not - the victims were white

Why hasn’t this received National coverage by the news media like the Duke “rape” case?

Oh, that’s right - the victims were white

Why hasn’t the NAACP, ACLU, New York Times etc., called for an investigation?

Must be cause the victims were white

Why hasn’t the FBI been called in to investigate this as a hate crime?
Oh, t hat’s right - the victims were white”

So, if a white news radio jock uses the phrase “Nappy headed”, it gets 2 weeks of constant news coverage.
If two white people are tortured, raped, and murdered by a group of black people, it barely gets a blip in the news.
Pass this around, and maybe, just maybe, it will land in the hands of someone in the media or politics, that has the b???s to stand up for the white people!!!

I have a few responses..
My first being the overwhelming sadness that I felt upon hearing that two innocent people were brutally murdered. I pray for the victims families and I hope they find some sort of solace in or after all this.
My second being the sadness I felt when I thought about the fact that someone was using such a horrible, horrible tragedy to propagate their idiotic racial ideals. To push their “political agenda.” Hey, isnt that the same thing Fanatical Muslims are doing right now? Murdering innocent people in order to push their political agenda? I think so.
For some reason I am horrified at inhumane way someone simply, looked right over the fact that two lives had been lost and skipped right to trivializing the whole thing and making it into some sort of simple mundane black vs white issue.

Its sort of like the public of this nation is becoming desensitized to such crimes, and desensitized to hurt, pain and tragedy because we are faced with it everytime we turn on our television sets, and we are becoming so immune to it that we arent focusing on mourning the death of the innocent, but instead, we focus on using the death of the innocent as an instrument to recruit people to our own ideologies, be them political or otherwise. We use them as a tool to “get our point across” as opposed to seeing the tragedy for what it really is. Two people who were killed heinously for no reason other than existing where they existed at that particular time. And its so casually overlooked and turned into a racial issue. Am I the only one who feels a sadness for humanity when they read this sort of thing?
No one cares about people anymore. No one cares about their neighbors, no one cares about the fact that everyone in this world is living under the same sky, we see the same moon, the same starts, we breathe the same oxygen and most importantly we are all just trying to fucking survive while we are here on this Earth, no one cares about any of that anymore. They only care about themselves and how they can push their opinions, their ideas, their ideologies,their agendas, even if it is by overlooking something as sick and sad as the murder of these two people, and twisting it around to fit their pathetic points of view. As if everything can be shrunken into a black and white issue, or a racial issue, or a religious issue, if only the world were truly as FUCKING SIMPLE AS THESE PEOPLE. Just like nothing in this world is purely good, or purely evil…nothing in this world is purely black, or purely white. Nothing.

Now, id like to ask the racist whites who would write something like I quoted above…
WHAT DO YOU WANT? What is it that you dont have? White men founded this country, white men wrote the constitution, white men made the laws, white men raped, pillaged and scowered the lands of this country taking from everyone they saw fit to take from. White people you have a history of taking, taking, taking and TAKING. You took from the Native Americans, you took from the Africans, you are now taking from your own people and your own government. You have been given a foot and yet you want a fucking MILE. Please, white people, what is it that you dont have in this country? What is not offered to you? Tell me, what is so hard about being white in this country? Are you denied jobs? Denied citizenship? Are your wages not where youd want them to be? Can your children not go to college? PLEASE someone let me know what is it that white racialists want. White people run EVERYTHING. Our government, which is a majority WHITE government..TAKES it upon themselves to so called LIBERATE a sovereign nation, they TAKE it upon themselves to invade a country that doesnt need invading, they have TAKEN it upon themselves to bomb civilians, the TAKE the opportunity to TEAR DOWN EVERYTHING IN A LAND THAT IS NOT THERE AND LEAVE IT FOR THE NATIVES TO CLEAN UP WHEN THE NATIVES DIDNT EVEN WANT THE CHANGE IN THE FIRST PLACE. They TAKE it upon themselves to fight a war on two fronts, they TAKE AND THEY TAKE AND THEY TAKE. And still, for some strange reason..WHITE PEOPLE STILL WANT MORE. Whites have governed this country since its foundation, they have made the rules, they continue to make the rules, they continue to rule and they continue to smash anyone who gets in their way that includes minorities, other nations, the poor, the lower class, anyone who is not what they are, they take from.
Why cant they give? We can TAKE out a tyrant dictator, but we cannot GIVE food to the hungry? We TAKE out an oppressive government but we cannot GIVE shelters to the homeless. We TAKE out the homes of our so called enemies but we cannot GIVE the materials to build them new ones. Why? I hope someone can tell me why.

And when the oppressed, in our country, rises up and begins to think for themselves, THEY ARE ACCUSED OF THE SAME RACISM THAT HAS HELD THEM DOWN IN THIS NATION FOR CENTURIES. I am not backing these reverse racists like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, but what is wrong with wanting a minority scholarship to get into an all white school, when you are black and you DESERVE it because you have the right grades and since your ANCESTORS have been here they have been DENIED education, even when they were “free” they were DENIED education, education was TAKEN from them and still for some strange reason a lot of whites in this country STILL cannot understand the concept of GIVING an education to someone who is NOT white who deserves it.

I just dont understand the racist agenda in this country. I cannot understand it. My mind will not PERMIT me to understand it. This may seem like a rant against whites..but its not. This is only a rant to the racists in this country and, imparticular, the white racial movement because that is the only racial movement I have been exposed to.

UGH.
/end rant.

Thats pretty much it.

My boyfriend hates 311. But for me, I guess, 311 is like Green Day is to my cousin Kelley, its the bands we “grew up” with. The bands that were there for us through all of the teenage bullshit, from the time we were little, until know, the bands are awesome enough to still be around, and weve all kinda grown together.

I was jamming to 311 in the car and I had this memory of a very, very bad Christmas with me, involving my dad. And now that I look back on life, it seems like every Christmas ive had with him around has been bad. I dont know how old I was, maybe 10 or 11 and for Christmas that year my mom got me all of the 311 CDs, and a portable CD player to take down to Florida with me when I went to see my dad, for Christmas. Well, that same year my dad got me a video camera for Christmas, which was so fucking cool. That Christmas, my dad wasnt around much. He was hanging with his girlfriend, Kay. Ill never forget her. She was quite a bit older than him and probably a dope addict just like he is/was. Well, my grandparents had a pop up camper, and during that vacation I would spend many nights in that camper because my dad was off spending time with his girlfriend so I was left by myself, and I liked staying in the camper.

There was a tape, that I video taped, of myself in the camper. This is kinda hard to explain, but the view of the camera was my view, what I was seeing, and all you could see was my cd player sitting on the bed, with a blue 311 sticker on it, and all you could hear was me singing 311 songs from the “blue” album, back, to back, to back. Over, and over, and over again. That was the same year that my dad forgot about me on Christmas. He went to his girlfriend Kays house that morning and I guess he got fucked up, nodded out, and just…forgot about me. It rained that Christmas. That day, for Christmas dinner I ran down the street to my grandmothers house and ate dinner with them. Midway through dinner I started crying and I said something like “Why does he always do this?” And my grandparents completely ignored it. Just like I wasnt there, so I got up and ran back to my dads house (trailor) and cleaned the whole house waiting for him to get there. I had just finished mopping the floor when it was dusty dark on Christmas day, I sat down in a chair in the living room, and then I thought I heard his truck pull in so I hauled ass through the wet kitchen, slipped on the floor, and busted my head open. I got up real quick, kinda blacking out and dizzy, ran to the window to see if it was my dad..and it wasnt.

I dont remember what time he came in that night, im sure I was sleeping. I think that was the Christmas that started all my back luck Andy Christmas’s. Maybe ill go into detail about the other ones later.

But for now, I have another memory to share.

Earlier today, for no good reason, I decided to eat two Kleenex’s. Like, not EAT them, but just put them in my mouth, chew them, then spit them out. Totally gross, right? Lol. Shove it, we all do weird shit.
Anyway..it made me remember something…

There is this movie called “The Mask” its not the Jim Carrey one, its a different one with Cher and its the story of a guy called Rocky Dennis who had a very rare cranial disease that caused your head to be huge and really disfigured and just..I dunno, really weird. Look up Rocky Dennis and you might find a pic. His skull like, was disfigured and grew constantly till it just crushed his brain and killed him or something.
Well, I used to LOVE to eat paper towels when I was little. Id eat them alll the time. I also used to watch that movie all the time.
The last time I ate a paper towel happened one afternoon as I was shoving a paper towel in my mouth and walking past my grandmothers side porch, just after watching that movie. My mom was standing out there watching me and I said “Momma, why was that guys head like that?” and she said…

Because he ate too many paper towels.

I believed it, and until earlier I hadnt eaten a paper towel since that moment.

I <3 My Mom.

Ive been really sad tonight. Im not sure why, it could probably be the PMS. I think its very very healthy for someone to cry, as often as they feel the need, but for some reason I dont cry very often anymore and sometimes, at random times, it just..all comes out like the niagra falls. But I like to do it alone. Tonight, I was sitting here crying and I heard my boyfriend unlocking the door so I wiped my eyes off and he came in here asking some dumb boyfriend question and  then, our conversation went something like this:

bf: whats wrong with your eyes?
me: I DONT FEEL GOOD
bf: whats wrong? are you mad about something?
me: no. i just dont feel good and I dont know why.
bf: are you pmsing?
me: NO. I just feel sad and depressed.
bf: im sorry you feel sad baby what can I do for you?
me: get me some weed then to go walgreens and get me one of those strawberry starbucks drinks
bf: ok, i will.
The he gives me a long hug and I see Claude sitting, sleepy eyed watching us. I could tell hed come from the bedroom where he was sleeping. Then he walked over to us, and wanted to get in on the action..so we hugged him too.