This entry came from my old LJ. It will always be important to me..so im reposting it here.

The last couple of days I have been thinking about my dad. For no apparent reason last night on the way home with my boyfriend, I told him everything.

Whats so strange is that its not the fact that he doesnt care about me that hurts me, it is his life and legacy that hurts me. Who he is hurts me. What we had hurts me. I want my daddy more than anything in this world and I have needed him for so long. Maybe thats why I have given him so many chances, each time I have just wanted everything to be ok, I wanted him to be funny like I remembered him being. But most of all, I wanted to feel like my father was happy, and ok. I dont care how he has made me feel, I just want him to be ok.

I’ve never been able to find it in myself to hate my father. I’ve never found it in myself to be angry at him for anything hes done. Maybe its because I see so much of him in myself, when I look into the mirror I see him, when I speak I hear him, when I cry I feel him. I am just like him. A man that has had little to do with my life, shines in me in an unexplainable way.

I have watched my dad run more than anything else. I’ve watched him run from life, run from problems, from love, from addiction, from his family. I have watched him mess up so many times, when in my heart I really know he was trying. I really know. I have watched this man that I love so much continuously mess up his life and all I have ever wanted to do was be there to make him happy and make him feel proud of something he created, make him feel like hed done something right. I wanted so desperately to make him feel like, out of all the mistakes hes ever made, that I wasnt a mistake. I was something to be proud of. I was his little girl, who was pretty, smart, who accomplished things, who made people laugh, I wanted him to feel like he really had a hand in raising me and making me who I am and that was something right. I wanted him to feel like he hadnt lost everything, that I was still there and I loved him I didnt hate him.

I know he feels like he has failed his brothers, his sister and his parents, I know that feels like he has failed my mother. Everytime I saw my father he told me how much he loved my mom and how much he wishes he didnt mess things up with her, and how he would drop everything just to have us back again.

I think about my dad, and I see a broken man. A man who has been broken longer than I probably know. Thinking about my father that way absolutely kills me. When I think of him, I think of a man who has tried to live right, but despite everything, hasnt been able to. I think of a man who has depleated himself, someone who runs away all the time and has lived his life just running and not looking back. I think of a man who feels as if he messes everything up and that all he is is a big fuck up. It hurts me to think about that.

I dont know. This has been the hardest thing I have ever written. A long time ago, the last time I saw my dad and everything was ok..I think Kelley was with me. We were in Oklahoma and we were riding in the truck listening to some of his cds, he was making us listen to his country music, hah. Well, he played this song that he said was the theme of his life and when I heard it in the truck that day, it made my heart hurt really bad.

I downloaded that song tonight. Its hard to listen to.

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like
I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I have letters from him. I have a letter he wrote me on our first Christmas apart. I dont remember that Christmas. I miss him a lot.

Now, I dont know if I will ever see him again. There was a period of a year or so where we werent in contact, I didnt know where he was..he had ran away again. But, one day someone knocked on my door and it was him. He had moved to Oklahoma.

I wish hed knock on my door again.

Ok…I had the most disturbing dream ever.

For some reason, in my dream, I was going over to Afghanistan. Im not sure WHY I was going over there..
I was wearing red pants, patent leather shoes, a flowerdy nurses shirt, and a black hijab (thing  muslim women wear on their heads) and we were being kept in this interment camp type thing where we had a curfew…if we left the camp at night, there were Taliban guard stations placed all around the area and they would shoot and kill anyone they saw roaming around after curfew.
We didnt have rooms to sleep in or anything…we just slept on the long seats and tables of picnic tables (you know the ones they have at parks).

So, one night I woke up and had to go to the restroom. In my real life (not dream life) ive been trying to use the restroom more because I have a bad habit of holding it. So, in my dream, getting up and going to the restroom was urgent for me. I totally forgot about the Taliban soldiers and jetted out into the night. They shot me, in my leg…but I made it to the restroom before they could do anymore.  I stayed locked in the restroom until morning.
I got back to camp and they took the bullet outta my leg..
They notified us that it was time to be leaving Afghanistan. I was scared shitless that something would happen and we wouldnt be able to go home.
We had our last meal of some nasty ass slop and then came home…

Anyways..I woke up with this crazy throbbing pain in my right lower calve just where they shot me.

The dream was insanely real, and insanely realistic too..so it doesnt surprise me that I was so psychologically shocked by all this in my dream that it manifested into a real pain. Weird.

Well, exciting news for me..

A British pilot and everyone on the plane he was flying..saw a mile long UFO in the sky. He said it was cigar shaped. He said everyone on the plane saw it also…
Glenn Beck interviewed him. Ted Nugent (aka the second most idiotic citizen of the USA besides George Bush) was also on the Glenn  Beck show tonight. Normally, I seriously like Glenn Beck which is weird for me because hes pretty right wing. Ive listened to his radio show for a long time, and im just now getting into the TV show that comes on CNN or whatver.  Anyhow, Glenn Beck pissed me off because he really made fun of this Pilot to his face.
Any news anchor or journalist or whatever should know that they should respect their guests, even if they dont agree with what they guest is saying and even if what their guest is saying sounds just plain silly..they still need to show them respect and not make them feel inferior or alienated. So, Glenn Beck really ticked me off by making fun of this guy and laughing in his face. It was a very bad move and ive lost respect for him.

Anyways..

Im not sure if I wrote about this or not..but about a week go my direct report (pretty much my boss..) called me while I was checking out the free demos on www.crackwhoreconfessions.com (hilarious, but totally NSFW) and told me that my route (my job is pretty much a route of about 14 different hotels I have to travel to three days a week) was going to be suspended until July 20th. Thats, bad bad news for me. I even cried about it. I struggle immensely as it is and my mom helps me out a lot. Just the thought of me becoming a bigger burden on my mom than I already am just broke my heart.  So my mind was just, rushing trying to come up with things I could do in the meantime to supplement my income. I do PPP but with my low google page rank I know that wouldnt pull in anymore than 100 bucks and month and well, thats great extra money but for income, it doesnt cut it.
So I freaked out, and cried, lol.  I decided that  that Friday (the next day I was supposed to work) id go around to some pet stores and put in applications. But, thank GOD that Thursday my direct report called me and told me that the client who is in charge of my route here in Nashville decided to re-instate it. Woohoo! I know that doesnt make a lot of sense to people who dont know me….
my job is really hard to describe. I dunno, lol.

Other than that..I havent been doing much. It seems like when I get on a normal sleeping schedule I post less because im working and stuff during the day at normal times, not in so much of a rush to get things done..and then going to bed at like 1 or 2am which is super early for me

Blah Blah..im gonna go add some pics to my flickr now!!!

If you accidentally shit all over your arm…would you wipe it with a dry paper towel? Or would you use soap and water.

Well, then why do you suppose most people only wipe their asses with dry toilet paper?

I found these today….

Hi Lesley,
How is my baby girl doing? I love you Lesley and I miss you very much. Cant wait to see you. I bet youve grown a lot. Have you decided on what you want for Christmas? Im sorry I havent sent your money for your good report card, but im in a position now that I dont have a lot of extra money, but ill make it up to you so dont give up ok? I promise I will! Are you helping your mom these days? I hope so. Youre old enough to help her do wht she needs you to help her with and know right from wrong and stay out of trouble. How is your boyfriend and you getting along now? Send me a list of what you want me to get you for Christmas. Ill let you go for now and write again soon, take good care of yourself and your mother. Shes the only mother youll ever have. Treat her with some respect, Les, she loves you and so do I.
I love you Lesley,
Daddy.

And Another..

Hi Baby,
How are you? Fine, I hope. Im doing ok. Just working a lot. Im sorry I didnt get to see you this summer, I bet youve really grown a lot. I love you Lesley and I really miss my baby girl a lot. I cant wait to see you again. Maybe at Christmas you can come down and stay a week, what do you think? My guitar got broke and I threw it away or else I would let you have it. Maybe ill get you one for Christmas. Do you really want to learn how to play one? I think it would be good for you. It would give you something to do when theres nothing else to do. If you really want one ill get you one. So what have you been doing? Tell me about school, whos your teacher, do you know anyone in your class. Take some time out of your busy schedule to write your dad, and write a little better. I know you can. Your last letter I could barely read. You can write better and I know that. Well I guess ill go for now. I will write again and I expect you to write me too.
I love you Lesley,
Dad.

Happy Fathers Day.

I am officially back from The Roo 2007. We left a little early, we were planning on leaving tonight, but to be really honest…Saturday nights do something strange to Bonnaroovians. They get incredibly disgusting. It becomes a putrid enviornment and in 95 degree weather, its not a pleasant place to be.
But I had a blast. Every fucking bone in my body aches, I can only imagine that this is how Jesus felt when he had to walk with the cross on his back. Yep. I just compared myself to Jesus.

Anyway…I saw a buttload of cool bands. I think the first act I saw was Lily Allen? Something like that. Then I saw Tool. That was Friday night. I was pretty pooped, and id vomited my brains out so I didnt feel like doing much but sleeping.
Saturday I saw Gogal Bordello..and let me tell you, they fucking ROCK.  Then I saw..dun dun DUN…The Police! Sting looked really old

The highlight of my time there was probably The Flaming lips…theyve created a perfect memory for me. But first, let me give some background info.

Ok..My boyfriend and I didnt bring a tent or anything, we were just gonna sleep outside in Centeroo (where all the bands play). Well, he got up at about 2am and said he had to go shit and wanted to walk around so I was like cool..im gonna stay here and sleep. Around 4AM some staff members told me that I was not allowed to sleep in centeroo this year.. no one was. I dunno why? So, I met back up with my boyfriend and we made our exodus into the crazy campground area to look for a spot that would be shady, so we could lay down our tarp and blankets and go to sleep. We found the BEST spot. There was no one else there..it was this small wooded oasis, the trees provided the perfect amount of shade and they framed the sky beautifully.

Ok..onto my story..
Saturday night we decided to see some of The Flaming Lips show..and it was fucking cool..I have to admit..real fucking cool. I started feeling sick (I called this the Bonnaroo syndrome) so we decided to go back to our camping spot..it was about..1AM. So we made the 15 or 20 minute trek back to our campsite, laid out our tarp and blankets, made our pillow..and laid there listening to The Flaming Lips blaring in the background..just enjoying being there together. Well, about that time fireworks started to go off in the sky in front of us, it was sooo cool..and then the best thing ever happened..
In the background…in that perfect moment..I heard..
Do you realize…that you have the most, beautiful face.

And the song played, while the fireworks lit up the sky in front of us. We both knew that something special was being created then for us, and I have never experienced a moment full of emotion and comfort like that in my life. It really was a moment that everyone in love wishes they could have, it was a small time in my life that felt like everyone longs to feel when they hear that very song..and I felt it. It was perfect.

Through all the pain my body is feeling now, the sickness, the trash, stinky people, nasty port o potties…

Im doing it again next year.

Some random dude who IMed me : How do you go from Judaism To Hinduism?
Me: I dont.
SRD: Youre a Jew, right? Youre Jewish. Did you convert to Hinduism?
Me: Im not Jewish, lol.
SRD: Sweetie, Im Muslim, we can tell everyone apart.
Me: Apparently not.
SRD: Your sharp nose, fuzzie black hair.
Me: You seriously look Hindu.

Bonnaroo is this weekend. Its something that I completely  forgot about, and didnt even plan for..so..here I am, 3 days before and im making my plans lol.
So, the bad news is…im not sure if I can get my cousin in because it turns out we gotta be there at like 6am Friday MORNING to get everything worked out..but theres gotta be a way we can figure out something..

Anyhow, im pretty much broke. Yep. No money. Lets just say, thank GOD for PayPerPost. Last week I had a check sent to me from my paypal account for 40 bucks, that should be here sometime, hopefully by Thursday, and I had 60 something bucks sitting in my paypal account from PPP, so I transferred it into my moms bank account for her to get out to give to me, and I just put 11 more bucks in there..so thats 111 bucks. For three days..thats not too bad. I dont plan on tripping or anything out there..I dont think my body is equipped for it.  Ill just smoke  some weed and thats way enough for weed, food, and free water.  Im always nervous about money….which probably comes from growing up knowing my mom also always worried about money..

But..like my friend said..

Jah Provides.

Kelley tagged me.

Rules: Each person posts the rules before their list, then they list 8 things about themselves. At the end of the post, that person tags and links to 8 other people then visits those peoples sites and comments letting them know that they have been tagged, and to come read the post, so they know what they have to do.

My eight thing
1. Im going to be 21 in August. A lot of times I think that I have wasted too much time doing nothing and I worry about my future.
2. I am trapped in a vicious cycle of thoughts that rarely allow me to be the person I THINK I am. But, in recent years ive taken great steps on overcoming my anxiety and bipolar disorder. Anyone can do it, you can too.
3. I spend and UNGODLY amount of time on the internet. I even have a regular chat room and a regular forum I visit. That makes me an ubergeek.
4. Today (Sunday, June 10th, 2007) my black Moor, No eyed Jack, died. I cried.
5. Sometimes I wish things were different
6. My mom is one of my best friends, along with my cousin Kelley. Other than these two people, I consider myself alone in this world.
7. I feel like I have a very special relationship with my cat. Like he is my familiar. I adopted him almost a year ago from an animal shelter. He has turned out to be a very good friend.
8. My father is an opiate addict of 20 years. He chose them over a life with me and my mother. I have given him chance after chance to be a part of my life and it just doesnt happen. We do not currently speak or have any sort of relationship with each other. I love him a lot and wish that he was a part of my life. A lot of times I talk about him as if he is in my life, but he isnt.

So, the whole world knows that Paris “Herpes Cunt” Hilton was slapped with a 4o something day stint in jail. She then, before she even served time, got it cut to 23 days.

Basically..she served something like a couple of days and is now getting put on house arrest.

Im really really angry about this. I think this shows a HUGE pathetic weakness in our “justice” system.  America is a FUCKING PUSSY. Its stupid bullshit like this that makes up thousands of weak links in the chain that is the United States of America and the chain is getting weaker and weaker.

What does this tell the American public?
That if you have money, you have it all. There is a system implemented in this country to keep the rich sheltered and privileged, but to keep the poor…poor and needy. Its absolutely sickening. Not only would I be in jail for 40 some-odd days right now, but chances are..if you are reading this..you would be to.
Had I been drunk, and made the decision to get into a motor vehicle and drive around, according to the drivers test I took when I got my license, I would be in jail for 45 days right now.

Do you know WHY id be in jail, without bail, for 45 days? Because theyd take one look at me, and realize that no matter how high they set my bail, I wouldnt  be able to afford it. They wouldnt make any money off of me.  But let some celebrity with money bags hanging out of their fucking ass and they get a hugeeeee bail that they can pay immediately. Cha ching!

anyways I totally abandoned this like 15 minutes ago and lost my steam.