This entry came from my old LJ. It will always be important to me..so im reposting it here.

The last couple of days I have been thinking about my dad. For no apparent reason last night on the way home with my boyfriend, I told him everything.

Whats so strange is that its not the fact that he doesnt care about me that hurts me, it is his life and legacy that hurts me. Who he is hurts me. What we had hurts me. I want my daddy more than anything in this world and I have needed him for so long. Maybe thats why I have given him so many chances, each time I have just wanted everything to be ok, I wanted him to be funny like I remembered him being. But most of all, I wanted to feel like my father was happy, and ok. I dont care how he has made me feel, I just want him to be ok.

I’ve never been able to find it in myself to hate my father. I’ve never found it in myself to be angry at him for anything hes done. Maybe its because I see so much of him in myself, when I look into the mirror I see him, when I speak I hear him, when I cry I feel him. I am just like him. A man that has had little to do with my life, shines in me in an unexplainable way.

I have watched my dad run more than anything else. I’ve watched him run from life, run from problems, from love, from addiction, from his family. I have watched him mess up so many times, when in my heart I really know he was trying. I really know. I have watched this man that I love so much continuously mess up his life and all I have ever wanted to do was be there to make him happy and make him feel proud of something he created, make him feel like hed done something right. I wanted so desperately to make him feel like, out of all the mistakes hes ever made, that I wasnt a mistake. I was something to be proud of. I was his little girl, who was pretty, smart, who accomplished things, who made people laugh, I wanted him to feel like he really had a hand in raising me and making me who I am and that was something right. I wanted him to feel like he hadnt lost everything, that I was still there and I loved him I didnt hate him.

I know he feels like he has failed his brothers, his sister and his parents, I know that feels like he has failed my mother. Everytime I saw my father he told me how much he loved my mom and how much he wishes he didnt mess things up with her, and how he would drop everything just to have us back again.

I think about my dad, and I see a broken man. A man who has been broken longer than I probably know. Thinking about my father that way absolutely kills me. When I think of him, I think of a man who has tried to live right, but despite everything, hasnt been able to. I think of a man who has depleated himself, someone who runs away all the time and has lived his life just running and not looking back. I think of a man who feels as if he messes everything up and that all he is is a big fuck up. It hurts me to think about that.

I dont know. This has been the hardest thing I have ever written. A long time ago, the last time I saw my dad and everything was ok..I think Kelley was with me. We were in Oklahoma and we were riding in the truck listening to some of his cds, he was making us listen to his country music, hah. Well, he played this song that he said was the theme of his life and when I heard it in the truck that day, it made my heart hurt really bad.

I downloaded that song tonight. Its hard to listen to.

I’ve dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I’ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I’m at peace with myself
I’ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I’m movin’ on

I’ve lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they’re always the same
They mean no harm but it’s time that I face it
They’ll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong
I’m movin’ on

I’m movin’ on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there’s no guarentee’s, but I’m not alone
There comes a time in everyone’s life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn’t
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I’ve loved like I should but lived like
I shouldn’t
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I’m movin’ on

I have letters from him. I have a letter he wrote me on our first Christmas apart. I dont remember that Christmas. I miss him a lot.

Now, I dont know if I will ever see him again. There was a period of a year or so where we werent in contact, I didnt know where he was..he had ran away again. But, one day someone knocked on my door and it was him. He had moved to Oklahoma.

I wish hed knock on my door again.