Last night my boyfriend and I went out to a bar and he was pretty miserable. Partly because he had it in his mind, that we were gonna go do something HE wanted to do, hah. Well, he just moped the whole time so we left and decided to go to Cafe Cocos (vomit) because Saturday night is Hip Hop night and he has two friends who freestyle on the open mic every single Saturday. When we got here, thankfully, the “freestyle” had moved outside and that saved me from actually having to step foot in that wretched place.

Anyway, after it was over..there was a group of 6 of us, Me, Soda, and four more friends….all male. One of thems dad used to own this warehouse right next door to the worlds largest adult bookstore (lol) and he still had the keys so we decided to go there…well..when we got there..they had changed the locks. So, fuggit. We decided to go to the porno store and dick around for a while.

We werent even in the toys and magazines section, we walked to the back and were messing around with all the stripper costumes, etc and I saw this awesome sex swing. Like any other red blooded American, my first thought was to run right over to in and jump in it and start swingin around! When I got to the swing, I realized I had no idea how to even get in the thing so I was sort of, sizing it up and figuring out how to work it when I noticed something…strange..

There was a man, an older man, behind the magazine racks “happy muggin” me. Now, let me explain what “mugging” is. Here in the South, its a term that we use when someone is staring REALLY REALLY hard. Its not a serious term, just something we use in jest when joking around. If someones looking at you angrily, we say..”mean muggin.” Well, this dude was happy muggin. Staring at me hard with a smile on his face. A creepy smile.  So I turned around to my friends and I was like..”Hey..check out that guy behind me..hes creeping me out.”

About that time, one of our friends decided he wants to buy a sticker that says …”Hooked On Chronic.” So, We make our way up to the cashier and theres no one behind the counter. Thats when we noticed that that guy had followed us up there. So my friend says…”Hey, do you work here? Is it your job to ring me up?” The guy just looks at him..and smiles. Not saying a word. Two of our friends had went to sit outside, I was getting creeped out and I told Soda to lets go outside.

Well guess what? He followed us outside. He got into his car and just sat there looking at me..thats when I found the PERFECT opportunity to get out my camera. So I snapped this shot, seriously..go check it out. He sat there for as long as it took us to start walking to our car..so we decided to stop right at our car to see what hed do….he drove past us, slowly. So, yeah..we were like fuck it..that was weird….

We all got into the car and sat there for a second laughing about what had happened. We pulled out of the parking lot and notice …HES RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND US.  I swear all six of us turned our heads and looked at him. He followed us for about two blocks before he got off our trail. We wished we hadnt turned around, we wanted to see how far hed follow us. We thought about leading him out into the sticks and beating him up. Lol.

Really weird, but fucking hilarious.

I left this HUGE..FREAKING HUGE comment to someone who I feel is..very similar to me in a lot of ways. This comment is really long…but…I liked it so much and thought it made a lot of sense so im deciding to  save the comment here. Everyone should read it..I think it pertains to everyone at at least some point in our lives.

Dont take this the wrong way at all….
I think that youre a glutton for punishment. An emotional masochist, if you will. You derive some sort of deep seeded subconscious joy in having something in your life to be sad about. Its not that you feel like you have to be surrounded by drama all the time…but..I dont know, its hard to explain..its more like..maybe thats all youve ever known, youve only ever known to be sad and being sad somehow brings you comfort because youre used to it so you put yourself in positions that ensures your unhappiness. Or, you feel that its your destiny to be sad and its just the way life is supposed to be for you and you dont care to change it because we are all afraid of change.

I went through this crap for many years when I was a teen and I didnt become “ok” until like a year ago. I was still short fused, volatile, impulsive and constantly doing things that guaranteed I would end up crying or having something to be depressed about. I was not deluded, I was fully aware that most of what happened to me was my fault.

Thats no way to live. You have to be convinced that you are worth a lot more. Ive been on just about every antidepressant, antipsychotic, antiepiletpic/mood stabilizer and combinations of both and I can honest to GOD tell you….
If you dont make the change yourself….those medications arent going to work. Part of being on medication is a psychological, psychosomatic effect that if YOU believe they will start working..they will. However, if you just rely on them to make you better and to make you feel better…they dont really do their jobs too terribly much because its not that you really have a medical problem that can be cured by popping a couple pills each day (despite what doctors tell you), you have an emotional and spiritual instability problem that requires fixing solely by YOU. You are literally stuck in a vicious pattern of thoughts that controls your life.

This probably wouldnt work for you, im just gonna tell my story of what helped me. To this day im not exactly sure why I acted the way I did. I think it was because the one man I loved more than anything…left me. My dad. He effectively chose dope over me and despite the fact that I acted like it didnt bother me, I deeply missed and needed my daddy. So, I made sure that every other male I was with was gonna leave me too because I expected it to happen anyway. So, to save myself the humiliation of having him do it to me..I just caused it so that id have the satisfaction of knowing that I KNEW why he left me..I did it to myself. Yeah. I had father issues. Thats my sob story.

Anyway..I got into spirituality. Hardcore. I became a Hindu and practiced that religion, only for the coming years. My house and everything in my life still reflects the one thing that saved me..in my mind…the cosmic consciousness that some people like to call God, in the form of Hinduism. That may sound..insane. But, I am ALL FOR people having something healthy and self reassuring to fall back on, so for a huge period of time..I felt as if God(Shiva) had my back and he and his wife, the Goddess Kali…saved me. Now, I am a bit less religious and I dont necessarily believe in certain Gods, but moreso the morality that each of them stand for and the energy behind that morality…BUT..there was one story that sticks out in my mind that an elderly man at the Hindu temple told me..when I came to him about my problems…

In Hinduism, all Gods are essentially just a part of one HUGE collective, cosmic intelligence. There are more Gods appearing all the time as small facets that make up the big picture..the story the man told me..goes like this..

There was a mighty Goddess..named Durga, who was strong, fierce, and unstoppable..or so everyone thought. One day, Durga encountered a demon with the name of Raktabija. Raktabija had a special ability in that whenever Durga would slash him with her mighty sword…the drops of blood that feel from his body to the ground would cause a clone just like him to pop up. It seemed like a never ending battle. Each drop of blood..caused another Raktabija to spring from the Earth to cause destruction. Durga, not knowing what to do..began to meditate and her third eye opened to reveal the creation of a new Goddess named Kali. Kali was like nothing anyone had ever seen before, especially Raktabija. In one huge gulp Kali swallowed the demon whole and rid him from this Earth.

The stories in Hindu mythology are all very similar in the fact that they are not portrayed as TRUE at all..they are told for a different reason…they represent the human psyche and the mental problems a human can encounter.
In this story…Durga symbolizes the mind, as a whole. Raktabija represents a vicious cycle of thoughts, negative energy..and every drop of blood that spilled from his body represents every negative thought we ever think about ourselves, implanting itself into our psyche and thus creating a NEW demon for us to have to slay within ourselves. And Kali, she represents a force within ourselves that lies dormant but needs to be activated by ourselves so that we can swallow those demons whole so that they will stop causing a pattern of negativity in our minds, and our lives.
Everyone needs a “Kali.” This story stuck with me, and everytime id start thinking irrationally or negatively…I thought about this story..and thought about the disservice I was doing to myself by beating myself up with constant negativity.

You have to drop that aspect of yourself. Do not let it define you. Truly, deep down inside..everyone wants to be happy and thats why we even act the way we do to begin with..because we are trying to “protect” ourselves when in all actuality we are hurting ourselves…indefinitely.

You are the only one in control of those thoughts and those patterns that will either make you or break you. No medicine, no doctor, nothing, no one..but you.

I guess ive had somewhat of a writers block lately. Im not sure…so..lets see…where to start..

I cut my dreads off. Cant remember if ive already written about that or not. I cut them off because one of them nearly snapped off at the root, which woulda left me with a big bald spot so now my hairs short. Im remembering now that ive already written about this..but thats ok. My hair looks good. Im used to having short hair…cept for the bangs..they took some gettin used to.
My haircut  got me interested in the 1920s era of the United States. I guess..the Roaring 20s. The style, the music…everything. So, thats my new obsession. My obsessions are how I learn things. I learn everything about something and then ill move on to something else. I dont see anything wrong with that.

Its been two days since ive felt anxious. Im taking it one day at a time and with each passing day..I say..”There went another day without panic.”

Maybe ill find something cooler to blog about later.

This morning my boyfriend and I were over a friends house watching the news. They were talking about a very overweight guy who was denied the privilege to adopt a boy he had been caring for for a couple years or something.

Me: Wonder why they wont let him adopt.

Mattie: Well, if someones so fat that they are handicapped or something I could understand.

Me: Yeah, I could understand that too but this guys gotta job and shit. Maybe they think hes gonna feed the kid a bunch of sweets and junk and get him fat too.

Mattie: Or maybe, theyre concerned that hes going to eat him.

Check it out, yall!

And if you can EVER get your hands on the movie “Gummo” GET IT. It was filmed IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD, and by neighborhood..I dont mean 4 towns over..or 45 minutes from here..I mean…10 seconds from the house I was raised in, and maybe 20seconds from the house I live in now.

I saw SO MANY “extras” in this movie who I went to school with and some who are, unfortunately related to me. This movie is awesome. I love it. Masterpiece. Watch it.

Soda: Oh my god you gotta help me find the movie “Crossroads” its about Robert Johnson I bet its so cool.

Me: Let me look it up online.

Me: ::reading a review:: uhh..this movie stars the karate kid..this looks like some bullshit to me.

Soda: No. Its not. Red says we gotta see it. You know, its not directly about Robert Johnson..its about a white kid.

Me: ughh…BULLSHIT.

Soda: Whatever you need to quit believing what people say about shit online.

Me: NO ONE SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS I READ THE SYNOPSIS.

Soda: BULLSHIT.

Me: EAT MY SYNOPSIS, BITCH.

Soda:  Shiit..ill eat somethin else.

/end.

Sorry I havent blogged much..been busy..but heres a few things to sum up what ive been doing..
I cut my dreads out. Yep.  It makes me sad . There are new pictures of my bald ass head on my flickr.
I want to sing bluegrass.
I want to be a burlesque model. Lmfao.