Random.

OK..Kelley and Eric….
Do you remember when ERIC had the “bright” and “cool” idea to stick strings in our noses and pull them out our mouths? And..we all tried…and I put mine too far down my throat and you could shine a flash light in my mouth and see the purple string stuck back in my throat and I tried and fucking tried to pull that shit through my mouth but was choking on the string cuz it was down to like…my stomach or something?

Liz: how much does he charge per visit?
Me: oh god.
Me: without insurance?
Me: lol
Me: 150bucks
Liz: yeah
Liz: thats what my ex has to pay his dr
Me: and my prescription…i get generics of course
Me: is 30 dollars
Me: one dollar a pill
Me: which you can sell on the street for 3
Liz: My Exjust got some nasal spray Rx for his allergies/ sinus, whatever– $120
Me: good lord
Me: the prescription was that much?
Liz: yeah and it’s not even an oz!
Liz: of fluid
Me: what the fuck
Me: wheres he getting his scripts filled?
Me: walmart does generics for 4 bucks
Liz: its just bullshit because in the UK it would be an automatic $10!
Me: i do mine at walgreens. generic RX plan
Me: one buck a pill and im on narcotics i cannot believe 120 bucks for some damn nasal spray
Me: that nasal spray better get me FUCKEDDDDD UPP

Where do you sit?

Ghora. It means darkness. The darkness of ignorance. Aghora. That means…light. The absence of ignorance. Aghora. The absence of darkness. Under the tree of knowledge, there is an Aghori. A practitioner of Aghora. A follower of that path. He has gone beyond ignorance thanks to the flame of knowledge.

The flame of knowledge dances from a funeral pyre. The funeral pyre…is…the ultimate reality. A continual reminder that everyone has to die.
Knowledge of the ultimate reality of death has taken the Aghori beyond the eight snares of existence. Lust, anger, greed, delusion, envy, shame, disgust and fear. Those things bind all beings. They bind us all.

The Aghori is astonished by the uselessness of a limited existence. Knowing the whole world to be within herself though she is not in this world.

She is bewildered. She is bewildered to think that all is within her, not external to her. She sees not with her physical eyes, but with the eyes of perception. The sense of perception. The flame of knowledge, that which preserves life.
The eternal flame of the funeral pyre.

Divine Delirium. Thats what I call it.

Is it you that you see when you stare into the mirror? Is that who you are? Do YOU encapsulate that image, that face deeply staring back at you with tears streaming down its cheeks? Are you simply..a reflection?
Divine Delirium. Thats what I call it.

Wow, would you believe it? LoL. Sorry for being a bit late. I havent gotten around to doing my typical daily blog readings because I was gone for a week, and sick. So..here we go.

4 Jobs I’ve Had in My Life:
- Sales Associate at Stein Mart
- Bartender
- Cashier at Michaels
- My current job

4 Shows I Watch
- Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations
- Living with the Mek
- Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern
- Spongebob Squarepants

4 Places I’ve Been
- New York City
- All Over Florida
- Oklahoma
- NEW ORLEANS!

4 Favorite Foods
- Chicken Makhani
- Macaroni and Cheese
- Baked Beans
- Mashed Potatoes

4 People I Tag
Anyone who feels like doing it!

Who adore me….and I adore them back I think.

Enjoy…

For the past two days, there is nothing I have thought about more than this movie. A lot of people dont like it, wont like it…because they dont understand. You know, they always say…”Think with someone, and they will love you..make them think, and they will hate you.” This movie is sort of like that. It raised so many questions for me..about life, death, rebirth, existence.

The sky plays a major role in every religion. EVERY religion. The sky. Our creator comes from the sky..or so we are told.
This is true. In a very primitive sense, of course. Human origins have been found in exploding stars. Star dust. Our life cycles are the same as stars. Fetal, childhood to adulthood, middle age, then death.

In Mayan mythology, their underworld..where souls went to die and be reborn was called Xibalba. This is more commonly referred to as Orions Nebula. Orions Nebula is a Nebula where new stars are born…all of the time.

Its starting to make more sense to me. We come from up there. We probably go back up there.

I was raised Southern Baptist. I went to church every Sunday, and every Wednesday. On Wednesday nights I went to a Church of Christ with my babysitter and her family. See, my mom worked overtime on Wednesdays and my babysitters daughter was my best friend so..id have dinner with them, then go to church. I loved church. It was fun, it was social..but one day I woke up and I realized that despite my deep love and affection for the tradition id had in my life, going to church…..I didnt believe a word of it.

Let me tell you, it takes A LOT to turn away from the faith youve been raised in. It takes A LOT to turn from that tradition, something you have always been taught is right, and something you are familiar with and something you have been taught not to question. It takes an amazing amount of very deep self reflection and self psycho analyzing to decide that something you have told by your mother, father, grandmother, friends, family is right, and is the ONLY way, may not be the only way and not only that but that you not only dont believe in it, but dont want to be a devotee of that religion any longer because it is not fulfilling you in any way, and is leaving you with a spiritual void.

There are so many commonalities among humans. I think that spiritual journey is one of them. And, it doesnt matter what religion, or what spirituality…but just that JOURNEY of wanting to be in union with the divine..is such a commonality among human beings because most of us, even if we dont believe, are searching for something higher than the self. It is an innate part of human nature, I believe, anyway.

It was a difficult decision to sever my ties with any religious labels I put upon myself as a child out of tradition, out of familiarity, but, it was even harder to label myself with my newfound religion.

I became a devotee of Shiva. A faith that is literally, quite foreign. It was difficult to tell people of my religion because I knew I wouldnt be taken seriously. A white, American, devotee of Shiva. Shiva is a “Hindu” God. I just refer to him as my “ishta deva”..my personal God, my chosen God.

Just because I came to the realization that I didnt believe in Christianity, and that I didnt find my spiritual home there..certainly doesnt mean that I hate Christianity. Its quite the opposite, I love it, and I have studied it in depth ever since I left the religion.
I still have a deep affinity for Jesus Christ, he just isnt my chosen deity. I dont really find…anything that I feel connects me to him.

I love to talk to people about their faith. I like to see why they believe they way they do. We are human beings and everything we do has a motive behind it, generally, there is some reward..we do something because we feel or we believe we will be rewarded for it. Many people belong to certain religions because they believe they will be rewarded in the afterlife and so forth and so on.

So, the questions I ask most people..and anyone whos reading this..id love to hear the answers you guys have (dont worry im not going to debate you about them. this isnt a theological debate, its just me wanting to learn about other people).

1. What do you believe? That means, what religion to you belong to?
2. Were you raised in this religion, or was it a faith that you came back home to in your later years?
3. Why do you believe in this faith? Do you believe it offers you some sort of spiritual solace? Some instructions for spiritual advancement? Enlightenment?
4. What made you choose this faith, over all the others..what do you feel your faith or religion has…that others dont?
5. Have you studied your religion any? Read the sacred texts, etc? If not, why not? If so, which did you read and what did you take away from it?

My own answers to my own questions:
1. I am a devotee of Lord Shiva. Shiva is a “Hindu” God. I have identified as being a “Hindu” for many years now, but more recently, I prefer the term Shaiva. My religion is Saiva Darshan. Shaivism.
2. I was raised Southern Baptist. I became a devotee of Shiva when I was around 14 or so.
3. When I started to worship Shiva and learn everything that went along with it, I found a part of myself that I loved. That I was at peace with. That I found shelter with. All of this inside of myself, inner peace, inner solace. I learned that I was not separate from God, that I was the same and could achieve that union IN life. Eastern religion offers extreme spiritual advancement in ways that are theologically extremely different than Western religion.
4. I chose this faith because I felt safe within it. It offers ME PERSONALLY things that other faiths do not.
5. Ive studied my religion, and other religions in depth. I have read a number of Hindu holy books, the Gita, the Sama Veda, Rg Veda, Iso Upanishad, Ramayana and a few others. I still have a long way to go though. Ive also read the Bible, cover to cover multiple times as well as the Quran, twice, cover to cover.

Im sorry.
I didnt want you to die alone. I know how scary it must have been, not because ive been there, not because I can identify with losing someone I would give my life for, other than you. I know because I can feel it in the very depths of my soul. I can feel the fear that confounds all of us when we are faced with the knowledge that we will die soon and the doctors told us all day that you felt no pain, you died in your sleep but I know you knew. You didnt let anyone of us know either..probably to protect us. But, Granny, I miss you and im sorry. There isnt a day goes by that I dont pray God forgives me of abandoning you. I know you wanted to go but we had each other. I didnt want you to fucking die alone god dammit I didnt want it. Maybe I was young then..too young. But I was there, every visit..I was there. When you didnt know who I was, I was there. When nurses had to turn you over and you were gone before you left your body, I was there and I watched you die and I feel like I did nothing to stop it. I know its out of my control and that everyone dies.
I stopped playing old maid with you and I know you felt like you were totally alone in your world, that you were a burden to all of us but you werent. You never burdened me and I loved you and I looked forward to every minute spent with you but you scared me at the end. I was young, I was 12, or 13. I was scared of death and I was starting my own mortality in YOUR face. Its not something I could begin to fathom at that time and ive never dealt with you being gone even though everyday I wish Kelley and I were messin and gommin through your closets. I wish we picked our barbies up. God I wish you were here. I miss you. I want the life back that seemed so simple to me. I know, its selfish. I know that you knew long before we knew, or long before I knew. And, we had to put you in that fucking god awful place I Know you hated it but, its all we could do. Mom had to work, you know..you know about my dad…you were our saviour, my grandmother. You saved us. Me and my mom, wed be nowhere without you. No amount of wanting could bring you back and now my life is so different but, I have not forgotten you. I have not forgotten the freshen up bubblegum with a juicy center that you gave us during church. I have not forgotten the trips to chins, and to wendell smiths. Theyre in my mind like it happened yesterday. I miss you. I really miss you. I wish I would have played more old maid. Watched more Jay Leno. I know it wasnt my fault and you were ready. SOme people, some family members..they missed your death because it would be too hard. I think its too easy. To skip out on seeing it, like it didnt exist. And now..where are we? I am 21. I live with my boyfriend in a duplex.
Kelley has a great job, her own house..and Eric..youd be so proud of Eric. He has two beautiful babies, a beautiful wife who, when I was drunk I think I slightly got a bit too into her.
KK got sick. About a year ago. KK. Yeah. Can you believe it? Someone we all thought was so weak…but..she made it through. She fought it and made it through. Shes skinny but, shes doing good. We are all ok, physically. Mentally…I could use some work. Couldnt we all, I guess?

I dont know. I wish we could live forever..you know, like in that book “Tuck Everlasting.” What would life be like?
I think youre around. I know youre around. You were a strong woman, a woman of faith…a woman of religion. A woman that, if I had only read about you in books..I would admire faithfully.

I think we all miss you. Everyone of us..just as much as I do. I cant get that life back. Im not 9 years old anymore. I need closure but I cant find it. Ive been looking everywhere, trust me.

If you are out there, in heaven or just..floating around as a mass of energy in our atmosphere…I love you.