Im sorry.
I didnt want you to die alone. I know how scary it must have been, not because ive been there, not because I can identify with losing someone I would give my life for, other than you. I know because I can feel it in the very depths of my soul. I can feel the fear that confounds all of us when we are faced with the knowledge that we will die soon and the doctors told us all day that you felt no pain, you died in your sleep but I know you knew. You didnt let anyone of us know either..probably to protect us. But, Granny, I miss you and im sorry. There isnt a day goes by that I dont pray God forgives me of abandoning you. I know you wanted to go but we had each other. I didnt want you to fucking die alone god dammit I didnt want it. Maybe I was young then..too young. But I was there, every visit..I was there. When you didnt know who I was, I was there. When nurses had to turn you over and you were gone before you left your body, I was there and I watched you die and I feel like I did nothing to stop it. I know its out of my control and that everyone dies.
I stopped playing old maid with you and I know you felt like you were totally alone in your world, that you were a burden to all of us but you werent. You never burdened me and I loved you and I looked forward to every minute spent with you but you scared me at the end. I was young, I was 12, or 13. I was scared of death and I was starting my own mortality in YOUR face. Its not something I could begin to fathom at that time and ive never dealt with you being gone even though everyday I wish Kelley and I were messin and gommin through your closets. I wish we picked our barbies up. God I wish you were here. I miss you. I want the life back that seemed so simple to me. I know, its selfish. I know that you knew long before we knew, or long before I knew. And, we had to put you in that fucking god awful place I Know you hated it but, its all we could do. Mom had to work, you know..you know about my dad…you were our saviour, my grandmother. You saved us. Me and my mom, wed be nowhere without you. No amount of wanting could bring you back and now my life is so different but, I have not forgotten you. I have not forgotten the freshen up bubblegum with a juicy center that you gave us during church. I have not forgotten the trips to chins, and to wendell smiths. Theyre in my mind like it happened yesterday. I miss you. I really miss you. I wish I would have played more old maid. Watched more Jay Leno. I know it wasnt my fault and you were ready. SOme people, some family members..they missed your death because it would be too hard. I think its too easy. To skip out on seeing it, like it didnt exist. And now..where are we? I am 21. I live with my boyfriend in a duplex.
Kelley has a great job, her own house..and Eric..youd be so proud of Eric. He has two beautiful babies, a beautiful wife who, when I was drunk I think I slightly got a bit too into her.
KK got sick. About a year ago. KK. Yeah. Can you believe it? Someone we all thought was so weak…but..she made it through. She fought it and made it through. Shes skinny but, shes doing good. We are all ok, physically. Mentally…I could use some work. Couldnt we all, I guess?

I dont know. I wish we could live forever..you know, like in that book “Tuck Everlasting.” What would life be like?
I think youre around. I know youre around. You were a strong woman, a woman of faith…a woman of religion. A woman that, if I had only read about you in books..I would admire faithfully.

I think we all miss you. Everyone of us..just as much as I do. I cant get that life back. Im not 9 years old anymore. I need closure but I cant find it. Ive been looking everywhere, trust me.

If you are out there, in heaven or just..floating around as a mass of energy in our atmosphere…I love you.