I found this a few days ago written on a piece of paper in a book of my ex-fiances, Sodas.

Anchor me.

Seven days have passed. I said I wouldnt call you.
Id do it on my own. But its very late at night.
This bed seems so empty so I picked up the phone.
Im so busy making plans.
But, I still need you to hold my hand.

Hold my hand and walk with me.
Help me find my own dreams.
My ship may sail its stormy seas
But, I still need you to be my anchor.
Anchor Me.

Am I asking too much?
Will you be there when I need you and long for you?Im not sure where we will be when its said and done…
But behind the darkest cloud…is still the sun.

I havent blogged in a minute. My life has changed…quite a bite and I am still honestly not that used to the adjustment and sometimes it catches up to me and its like..the best way to describe it…is that I am in a constant state of inertia.

I tried to give Soda another chance. Immediately I noticed some of my medicine (I take Klonopin) was gone.
But, even more immediately than that, I noticed that it was not the heroin..the heroin wasnt the reason I left him. I left him….because there wasnt anything there between me and him. He loved me, endlessly. But, I didnt love him endlessly. Which does break my heart. I hate that I dont love him the way he loves me. But, I just cant stay with him to make myself happy. I cannot stay with him…in mediocrity…in the misery equation..just to make someone else happy. Thats not good FOR ME and regardless of what anyone, anyone, anyone says….YOU should come before everyone else in your life. Life is very very hard sometimes but I dont believe that God (however you believe in it) puts anything on us we cant handle. No matter how painful.

Im going to try and keep this as simple as possible. I had been on heroin for about, two years. Sometimes I say three years because before that I was doing two 80mg oxycontins everday. No. I wasnt shooting dope up my arm. I was smoking it. I was…probably the most unhappy person that I, myself, have ever even encountered. But, when I was high….it was ok.

Soda and I. We had four years together. Four years…that I am never gonna get back. And, my heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces. Nope, we arent together anymore. I couldnt do it. We had a 140 dollar a day habit. Thats…a lot of money when you make what I make….WHAT I MAKE, seeings as how I was paying for him too. I dont even know how im gonna tell this story because…it doesnt make any sense to me…it just doesnt. I dont hate Soda. I never hated him and I never will….but..you know…as much as I would have liked to believe we were meant to be together…maybe we just werent because…I got tired. I started to get very tired and every moment I was able to sober up for a few minutes..I would question God, why did he force this life upon me? Why wasnt I allowed a sayso in whether or not I wanted to be here or not..and how…how in Gods name had my life turned out like this? I started to want out…months ago..but..I didnt wanna stop using heroin. He was my ticket to heroin, and I was his. We loved each other…but..we loved each other like fucking Sid and Nancy..ya know? Not healthy. I was spiritually dying and physically whithering away and everyone saw it, I think.

So..on Thursday April 10th Soda and I made plans to meet up with “the boys” (who we got dope from) as early as we could on Friday. We made these plans early in the day, because, by the time wed have gotten the money, theyd be closed down..aka..not selling. We hadnt had any money so it had already been one full day without heroin. For any opiate user, you know what that means. Soda fell asleep around…8AM. And, I was wide awake..sick.

I decided..I could cut my habit in half..if I got a hold of some needles. You read it right. I wanted to shoot dope into my fucking vein.

About a week before that, I experienced a horrible spell of depression and begged mom to try and find dads number, because, if anyone would understand…he would.

Well, anyway..here it was..Thursday morning. I got into my car…and I drove to a pharmacy thats widely known to supply needles to addicts. As im pulling into the parking lot..I get a phone call. I answer…and it was my daddy. I immediately broke down and told him what I was doing..and he told me to please not to ever ever ever use a needle and as long as im not on the needle, I gotta good chance of gettin off heroin. He asked if he needed me to come down to help me get off of it..I said no. But, that day sucked.

Soda had to work a double shift…I was restless and decided to go get my nose re pierced (I previously had both nostrils done) and I went to this..shop id never been in before…despite the fact id always gone to the same place for years..I just decided to go there.

I wasnt supposed to be there. Soda didnt want me having anymore piercings. Fuck it. I wanted them.
When I walked in…the first person I noticed was a guy..small guy…short, skinny…but….he had these gorgeous dreadlocks, and I could tell he was insanely shy and..I thought maybe he could be apprenticing to pierce..because..he came back into the piercing room with me while I got pierced..and watched.

I debated with myself..on whether or not to comment on his hair because…I was sure he got em all the time. Empty comments that meant nothing but “hey, dude, you look cool..”

So…I said..(he is red headed)
“I love your hair…its like..fire and fire is like death and death is..well, death is life. Its me and you and…everywhere we exist.” He didnt say much but “thank you.”
Piercing is over..but…he followed me out to the lobby..and I sat down..dunno why. He sat across from me and he said…”Ill do your hair for you…if you want me to..you know..ill lock it..ill have ya lookin fresh.” And, he smiled. I liked his smile. It made me feel…nice, and wanted…but I just felt this vibe between us..so we talked for a while just sitting there…and he was like hey..heres my number, blah blah..I gave him mine and then BAM I immediately thought…”I have a fucking boyfriend. Heroin addict boyfriend” and I said..”Just..be careful when you call me.”

And, I left.

At 1AM I woke up, sick as fuck. Sweating this putrid sweat. Something inside of me…pulled, and pulled for me to text message this guy. So, I did. I said “You awake?” and he said “Who the hell is this?” I said “girl from the tat shop, sorry, im a dumbfuck I dont know why I did this.”
He replied “No, get online, ill be home soon.”

So, he got online..and we talked..and I just..decided to ask…”Did you feel something between us? A vibe? SOMETHING?” and I sat there…on the edge of shitting my pants for being such an IDIOT to ask that question..and he said…”Yes. I did.”
We talked some more and he said “Hey, why dont you come to my house…we can watch the sunrise..” And I laid out the rules..no fucking, sucking, yadda yadda…I just want to see you. He said he wanted to see me too so..in a fucking TORRENTIAL rain storm, I drove to his room mates apartment. I didnt come home for 5 days.

It was about 4AM when I got there, and, remember..Soda and I were copping dope at 7:30. So..7:30 rolls around…and I told this guy, I said..”Look. Im gonna be realll honest with ya. Im on heroin. And, im about to start getting violently ill.” He said “Ok, lay down, ill get you some tea..I will take care of you.”

My phone rang. It was Soda. Wondering where I was. He woke up, and I was gone. And..I spoke the words I thought id NEVER EVER say..
“Soda..umm..im not coming home. I cant do this. Im sorry. I cant do this.” I hung up and..that was it.

The next 5 or 6 days was….a blur..I was sick. My body is now healed but my soul…my soul needs some working on.

Christoper is “this guys” name. Well, most people say Chris. I say Christopher because …I like the way he smiles when he hears me call him that. He took care of me. He helped someone he didnt even know, just because we felt “vibes” off of each other..and now..he stays with me.

In ONE day, I almost shot up dope, talked to my father for the first time in years, met a man who HELPED me, and started the process of starting my life over. I did all that without showing any emotion and now its time to start the process of healing my soul, my spirit.

You know, the night I spent with Christopher..the first night..I found a journal entry..in a spiral notebook. It was more like a Prayer. It was written on March 30th.
It said something along the lines of..

“Im having trouble being happy. Shiva, help me. I need your help…I feel like I havent even begun to learn to crawl in this life that has been forced upon me, that I had no say so in. You have always helped me..please…I LOVE you..help me.”

He helped me.

I have a lot to write about, which, I will when I have the time. But, all I can really say is that you never know what life has in store for you. People cross your path for reasons, no accidents happen in life, and that under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever…settle, or be unhappy.

Since I have made a new post thats really been worth anything…on top of that I havent been commenting like I should.

I really hate blogging without my laptop. Its just..ugh. I feel like I dont have the “freedom” to do it, if that makes sense. If I want to blog, I have to come into SODAS studio (where my old PC is, which is getting really fucking old because I am tired of his bitching that im in here, so its hard to be in here long enough to write a halfway decent blog entry). Plus, I have been working on a side project I have been trying to do for a while which is sort of..a retro erotica/costumed/fetish “modeling” site. I just call it Nuevo Retro. I put modeling in quotations because..I am not trying to get some kinda contract from some fake ass modeling company. I just want it to be me, and pictures I have wanted to take for a very long time, and hopefully some people paying for some shit..whether it be prints, video chats, or used items from the photoshoots (yep..guys WILL do that…pretty fucking weird, eh?) but, its gonna take a LONG time for me to get a fan base so im taking it slow, while working on it pretty hard…its gonna take a long time to gather up the material I need, to the advertising needed to get the very specific sort of members that would pay for what I am offering. BLAH. There is no full nudity on the site..actually..probably wont be much nudity at all. Maybe some boobies, but it will be mostly fetish. I have a lot of plans for it..and..if I dont make money from it..FUCK IT, at least I had a fun fucking time.

You know, I have been in a serious like…ditch of depression lately. As painful as they are, and as miserable as I am during them, I generally learn something very important during them. This time..I learned I wanted to take pictures of myself…erotica styled photographs, modeled after the great 1920s, and 1930s flapper girls, burlesque strippers, and silent film stars…and some fun stuff splattered in all over. Thats something ive wanted to do for years now..id like to pose like the stars I admire, possibly make some money doing it..if not….then at least I had a lot of fun doing it.

Well, I was going to write about a big event that happened in my life today but, I am just too tired. I will write about it tomorrow

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.

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3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Here are some pictures I posted before..but were a big too big because I uploaded them straight from the blackberry so..im gonna repost em here so that they fit my tinsy winsy lil space here

And this SWEET lil thingie Nick (my pet kid) gave me. Its like..a little woodie doll..of a chick. Its arms and legs move and you can sit it places…its so cute! I love that little guy.