I changed themes to something very simple that I got over at scribblescratch. I like it. I decided to change my theme to something simple and elegant because I wanted it to reflect the lifestyle I am trying to live right now. Minus the elegant part. Lets face it, you guys, I will NEVER be elegant, lol.

It is 3:32AM and I am not asleep. I have to go to the clinic around..oh..I dunno…6:30AM or so. They close at 11AM today so its best I get there as early as possible because im sure there are going to be tons of people there. Now, when I say tons..I mean tons. In one and a half hours that methadone clinic doses 500 people and sends them on their way home.

So, I guess I am due to write a little more detailed update. I dont mind. I am really going to start using my blog as a journal, a mechanism for self therapy. You may laugh at that, but you also havent been through what I have recently.

Like I said, on Tuesday, June the 10th my boyfriend and I were on our way to pay off some traffic tickets he had and, well, its no secret now that we both have a heroin problem. On Monday, June 9th we made a pact with each other…that was our last day. We were going to buy one gram, thats all..and split it, and that would be it. We would be sick and sweat it out together. That day we didnt have enough money to buy a whole gram…so we got a half of one fronted to us. That means we owed our “dealers” the money for a half a gram of heroin.
On Tuesday morning, June 10th, on our way to pay off some of his traffic tickets…we decided to meet up with them to pay them back to get it all over with. We met in the usual fashion. Soda hopped back in my car and it was somber moment. We started to leave the grocery store parking lot that we met up in…and a car almost hit us. I am a mouthy bitch so I was yelling the typical road rage rhetoric when the male in the car starts to get out. At this point..im thinking..”Ok, We are about to get beat up by a big ol black dude.” Now that I look back on it, I sooo wish we would have gotten beaten up by big ol black dude. Big ol black dude turned out to be Big Ol Vice Squad. He choked me back into my passenger seat so that he could reach all the way through the window and grab Soda by his neck. Soda split. Im not sure why he split…but…as humans our fight or flight mechanism kicks in during this situation and he flew. I tried to fly, but I couldnt get the car to move. I tried for what seemed like hours to get the fucking car to drive because I was going to get the fuck out of there. I realize now that it was only about two seconds and the car wouldnt drive because it had been turned off by force, when it was not in park. So, when I was trying to turn it on..it wouldnt because it wasnt in park. By this time I looked out the window to see Soda on the ground getting beaten by about three cops. I just remember his face smashed against the pavement and three cops piling on top of him. About that time the same black guy grabs me by one arm out of the car. I was not resisting at all. At this point, my senses had kicked in, I wasnt thinking irrationally..and there was no reason for me not to comply with everything that was going on around me. He pushed me, and shoved me, and did everything he could short of pushing and knocking me down. I verbally protested “Sir, There is no reason for you to push me like this, I am not resisting.” His reply was “Im just making sure you dont fall.” At that point, if he wasnt a police officer…I would have turned around and smacked the fuck out of him. Did he think that because he was bigger than me he could push me around and treat me like I was below him? Was it because I was female? White? Because he had a better job? Or because…wed been caught in what they assumed was a drug deal and he was looking at me like I was junkie scum and junkie scum isnt worth respect? It doesnt matter. What does matter is that he was treating me as if I was somehow unequal to him, under him, less than him. I dont know if any of you here reading this have been truly treated as if you are LESS THAN equal to someone, but it is the most dehumanizing, humiliating feeling in the world. I am not saying I did not deserve to get caught. Im not bitching about getting caught. Up until that point I had been committing crimes everyday, multiple times a day. Buying illegal drugs. That is criminal activity and I was a criminal, taking part in criminal activity…not at that moment, on that particular day, but I had been for days before that…so, yes, I deserved arrest. I did not deserve dehumanization.

Anyhow, I soon learned that I had been caught in the middle of a sting. The news media (you can see a video about the bust and even see our mugshots here). Basically they caught 15 addicts and the 4 dealers. Because Soda and I were not buying drugs, and had no drugs on us at the time of the bust, we were treated with the utmost disrespect by the police..ironic, eh? I think its because they just didnt get what they wanted so they slapped us with the most bullshit, trumped up charges EVER. Ok. Soda got evading and resisting…which he deserved because thats what he did. BUT, they charged BOTH of us with paraphernalia….the exact charge I believe was “unlawful use of drug paraphernalia.” Heres the fucking kicker..the paraphernalia they are talking about is as follows: ROLLING PAPERS, DIGITAL SCALES, and A CIGARETTE ROLLER!!! Ok, I can understand the digital scales..but the fuckin rolling papers and cigarette roller… WHEN THERE WAS CIGARETTE TOBACCO IN THE CAR!! Oh my God. Anyway..we ended up sitting at the secret sting location (a mall parking lot) from like 9AM to 6PM in the scorching heat, then we were loaded into literal cages on wheels and hauled to jail where we stayed until 2AM. Soda made pretrial. I didnt, I dont know why I didnt and he did..but he did. His bail was more than mine, his bail was 6k. Mine was 2k. Anyway…I had to make bond but I got out. Our court date is on July 1st. I am getting a public defender. I think I will be ok.

Like I said, I am in the Methadone program which is treatment for opiate addicts. Not a lot of people understand opiate addiction. The brain of an opiate addict is very very different from that of a normal person..and not just because of the drugs. There have been amazing medical and scientific advances in the area of study that involves opiate addicts and how our brains work…the information is amazing. I am learning so much at the clinic and I will write about the emotional mind and physical brain of an opiate addict in my next entry…as well as why I support methadone clinics and why suburban moms need to stop fucking bitching when one is built in their neighborhood.

Until next time….
Send me positive vibes.