I hate my anxiety. I had almost forgotten how much I hated it because it disappeared for a while because it was medicated and forced to lie dormant.

When I started Methadone, I was told I would have to stop taking my Klonopin. Since getting into the methadone program was something that I believed (and still do believe) would be beneficial to my quitting Heroin, I didnt think twice about stopping it.
I guess I didnt realize how much I relied on that medication. Its NOT a good thing that I relied so heavily on it and its probably a positive thing that I have to stop taking it because I am going to have to force myself to get out and do things without being so heavily medicated.

Today I was supposed to go to the mall with mom and Kelley and I was super excited about going…but about 5 minutes from the mall…my anxiety kicks in and feel like I HAD to be back close to home, all of the sudden I was too far from home, my heart was pounding, sweat was gathering on my forehead and it was starting to bead up and drip down my face and I started to get scared. A kind of fear I have not felt in a very, very long time…and a fear I thought I would not ever feel again. All I wanted to do was come home and curl up under my night sky blanket and hold onto my feather pillow and my baby blankie and stay there and not speak, or move until this subsided and try as hard as I could not to call the ambulance, because I knew it would not be good idea to take my Klonopin. I hated it and it scared me so much I started to feel very sick to my stomach. So, I just sat with my face right in front of the air conditioner, with the air conditioner on full blast while mom drove home because I told her I couldnt go inside the mall. We drove through the parking lot and it was ABSOLUTELY packed and I knew once I got inside that place, I would lose it in a fit of panic and I just could not deal at that time. So mom called Kelley and luckily she had not left her house yet and told her we werent going because when I feel panicky I get this weird symptom where I cant really talk or swallow or anything because it feels like I will throw up and I get super out of breath..I dont know why but it makes me afraid to talk for fear of vomiting or choking.

So, it dawned on me that I am probably going to have to get used to going out, and away from home…without my anxiety medication. See, my methadone does not “get me high” anymore. It did at the beginning, and thats normal for the beginning, but once youre at your stable dose…it should not make you high…you should just feel normal and then when you get tired..you will be REALLY, REALLY tired. So, I dont feel high or fucked up…at all. This is the first time I have felt “sober” headed, and clear headed…in…hmm…lets see…a long fucking time. Im just not used to it and I am going to have to teach myself to get used to it.

Me and mom came back to her apartment, and I remembered that we had to go pick Claude up a flea collar, some flea powder, food and I had to get a little date book/planner thing (which is SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!!!!! check my flickr for a picture…). Mom asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart, but there was NO WAY was making it in Wal-Mart. I mean, its close to home, but with all of the people…ugh. I can barely even think about it without getting restless. So, we ended up going to a Target that hardly anyone goes to. We picked up all the stuff Claude needed, plus my cute planner, and some bread for me to eat (since I didnt eat any lunch because I wasnt feeling good). Mom asked if I wanted to go to the bookstore but in all honesty I did not want to, so she brought me home and I decided to lay down.

Oh well. Maybe this was just a one time thing and I will be able to do whatever I want..I dont know. I hate it though…and I hate that I am afflicted with this disorder that handicaps my life. However, we all have to work the hand we are dealt and it is up to me to make the best out of my situations in life and lately I have made a lot of positive changes and I am going to continue on that road and continue to try and do things that will slowly get me back into the groove of living a somewhat normal life, without an illegal drug addiction and with as little anxiety as possible.

::Sigh::
I am going to munch on some bread now…my eyes are getting incredibly heavy so I am also gonna lay down and rest for a while.

Y’all Be Good!!!