So, Kelley had a quitmeter over at her site for how long its been since shes quit smoking (almost 14 weeks!!! yayy!!) so I decided to modify mine for how long its been since ive done Heroin. I dont have quite as long as she does but im getting there.

Time Passed: 6 weeks, 23 hours, 52 seconds
Grams of Heroin not smoked: 42
Money Saved: $2,400.00US. (Im not quite sure if thats accurate, although I dont know why it wouldnt be…it just looks like a lot of money….damn).

Anyway…its like 7am. I think I am SORT of getting used to waking up at 5AM every morning. Its kinda rough. But, I have come up with a routine.
Wake up at 5am, get Sodas lunch ready for the day, wake Soda up, keep waking Soda up every 5 minutes until its 5:20 or 5:30 and then he has to rush to brush his teeth and put his uniform on so we can get out the door. He works out in the country (sorta, its definitely not in the city) and theres this little gas station, called Andersons, the only gas station around that sells BADASS breakfast foods like sausage biscuits, gravy biscuits, ham biscuits..basically heaven because its a bunch of damn biscuits and im a biscuit eater..BISCUIT! Whys it spelled like that? Id just spell it Biscut. Oh well.
So..yeah..after I drop Soda off im gonna go to Andersons and get me some home made breakfast to eat on my way home, then come home and get a few more hours of sleep.

Im at the few more hours of sleep part now. ::yawn::

One of the categories I put this post in was “late night” and, its not really that late. Just 12:15 or so….but I am pretty tired so that could qualify as “late.”

You know, I havent been doing ANYTHING lately. Its not that I cant think of anything to do…its just that I really, really, really have preferred staying home and I dont want to leave my home. I love my home and the comfort it provides and I would rather be here than anywhere. I am not depressed or anything like that, I actually feel good staying here. But, maybe I should start trying to go out anyways. I dont feel bad, but maybe if I went out I would feel even better. Who knows.
My counselor said that this is very common in people who are quitting or have quit using. I dont really know..haha. This is pretty much just another rambling post.

Ive been playing The Sims again. It seems like whenever I get to playing The Sims, I neglect everything else I should be doing like blogging. Hence the reason I havent blogged in a while.

But, seriously, I am getting really tired and once again I wish this post could have actually been about something, I hate that it was a waste of your time…lol…actually I dont give a shit if it was a waste of your time…::rasberries::.

Im gonna go to bed!

Oh YEAH! Before I go…a year or so ago, maybe more, I did a broadcast on NowLive called NineUnknownMen. Well, I am starting it back up again. Check out nineunknownmen.net.

Once in a while when I come and sign into my wordpress (blog) account to see if I have anymore comments, or to write a new entry, I am greeted by a comment that someone I have never seen before, or even someone anonymous, has left me commenting on my “Opiate Addiction” entry.

I love signing on to see those comments. They really do make a difference in my life. It helps a lot to know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing I am, or who have gone through the same thing that I am going through. It truly does make a difference in my day, and helps to ground me as a person, and as an addict.

I wish that I could say I do not feel the temptation to use heroin at all anymore, but I do. However, that is part of the process and a lesson in how to resist temptations that are harmful. They are not only harmful to me, but HURTFUL to those around me.

There are not a whole lot of people who have the courage to come out about their addictions publicly in a blog for the world to see. Or..maybe there are and I have not found them yet. I would love to read some though…

Anyhow..I just wanted to say THANK YOU to anyone who has ever commented me telling me about their addictions and what they have gone through to get clean, or remain clean. It means a lot to me and I appreciate them! ^_^

Im not really slightly irritated. Thats just something I heard on “My Life On The D-List.”
I am pretty bored…and I have caught myself yawning here and there. So, once again I have nothing to write about, but, whatever. Oh yeah! I finally deleted my myspace account. *GASP* Why would someone delete their myspace? Well, because myspace is BULLSHIT. I have never been into myspace that much and I have bitched, and bitched, and bitched about it for the longest time..about how stupid it was.

Well, today I signed on for the first time in a while…I havent been signing onto myspace a whole lot lately, maybe once a month or so…and I see that myspace has yet ANOTHER way of ranking and categorizing friends. I dont like this. I do not like ranking and categorizing friends. Friends are friends to me. I dont rank them, or categorize them. I love and care for them all. So…finally…I was like FUCK IT and I deleted my myspace.

WOOHOO! Everyone should say FUCK YOU myspace and get rid of theirs too! Hah, I doubt that will happen…even though I really fail to see the glamor of this fuckin website…and I really cant fathom the glamor anyone else sees in it either. Oh well!

Isnt it funny when you tell someone to fuck off and you stop talking to them…how they still visit your site damn near every day to see what youre doing? Lmao. Me thinks its funny.

Anyways…
Soda got home last night. Woohoo! His trip really went by pretty fast. Probably because they didnt stay as long as they normally do…but they still stayed almost two weeks.

In Soda news…he is doing really well right now. I am so very, very proud of him. He is trying hard and our relationship is right on the verge of becoming normal again. He is looking so much better too. It is really amazing the toll that drug use takes on ones looks, and how (if you are young and havent been using for 10+ years) your looks go back to relatively normal.

Anyway..I completely started writing this entry like 5 hours ago and fell asleep so..I dont have anything to write about. LMAO. Sorry.

Alright. Quick background info real quick.

My dad was married once before he married my mother. That marriage resulted in a daughter, Kate, who is 28 years old. When I was about 7 or so, maybe younger, Kates mother dropped Kate off on our doorstep..literally, and expected my father to take care of her after years and years of her mother not even letting my father speak to her. I guess her mother had gotten sick of her or some shit, I dont know.

Well, needless to say her living with us didnt last long. She went back to her moms within a few months and I didnt speak to her again until I was like 14 years old. She briefly came around to visit me and my father and then as quick as she came..she left once again.

So…about two months ago or something like that..I dunno, two or three months ago..I found her on Myspace and I added her as my friend. We sent a few messages back and forth and then she stopped messaging me and I didnt send her any messages. At the time I was doing heroin everyday and frankly, heroin was a lot more important than trying to keep in touch with her. That is my fault. I should have kept in better touch.

HOWEVER…today, I sign onto Myspace and shes sent me the following message:
“Question….how come you would find me, add me, and then disappear?”

I just told her that I had been dealing with a lot and I apologize if she thinks I have disappeared but I was in the same place all along and could have easily been reached the same way she had just reached me.
But, I WANTED to say:
Look, bitch, you are one to talk about disappearing when you fucking “disappeared” two times in my life. We talked on myspace and if you really gave two fucking shits you could have sent me more than the two messages you initially sent me. Theres no way I could have “disappeared” when we were only talking on MYSPACE and you could send me messages any fucking time you wanted to and I would have gladly replied. Sure, I dont get on myspace as much as I used to..but I would get the god damn messages and I would reply. Not to mention..hmm, lets see…
I am a heroin addict and I got busted a month ago in an undercover sting operation so I am currently dealing with the legal repercussions from that all while trying to get treatment for my heroin addiction and not go back to using illegally.

But thats none of her god damn business.
FUCK her.

I REALLY have nothing to write about. But, for once, I actually feel like writing. Go figure, the one time I really feel like writing…I have nothing to write about.

Im sitting here eating chocolate donuts. They are GOOD too.

Whew..ok…lol..I started writing this entry like 45 minutes ago. Sorry. This entries gonna be all over the place but like I said, I just feel like writing.

When I first started working for the company I am presently employed with, during the spring, summer, and fall, I would park my car somewhere downtown and walk around downtown to work, instead of driving around like I normally do. My job requires me to visit a bunch of different places during the day and the majority of those places are downtown. So, I would park my car and walk around and I had a lot of fun doing it. The exercise I got was great, and I just felt good. Ive decided that I am probably going to start walking around again because I need the exercise and I think it would just be overall…a healthy change that I could make in my life. Sure, it would take a lot longer than normal but the pros really outweigh the cons. I would use less gas, get more exercise, get some sun, etc. The only thing thats really keeping me from walking is that I dont have an mp3 player. It would be so much more fun if I could listen to my music while I walk. I brought this up to my mom and she said maybe she could get me an IPOD for my birthday. At first I didnt like the idea…but the more and more I think about it…the more and more I want a freakin IPOD! I used to think there was no need for an ipod because I had tons of CDs and therefore I had no use for one but I started thinking…
Sure, I have tons of CDs but it seems like they are constantly getting broken and thrown all over the car. If I had an ipod I could bring all of my CDs in, load them into my computer, then onto my ipod and put the CDs away here in the house and never have to use them again. Thus, eliminating all of the cds laying all over my car taking up shit tons of room…blah blah you get the picture.

So now I want one really bad hahaha. Ive been checking out all the different kinds and I would rather have an ipod classic than an ipod touch.

Kelley also found these AWESOME laptop skins. Ive found quite a few that I like. Im gonna buy one for sure so ive made a list of all the ones I like and then ill narrow it down to the one I want and buy it with some paypal money ive been saving. There are a lot of really, really badass skins on that site. They arent TOO terribly expensive either. Definitely within my budget.

Anyway…I seriously dont have anything else to write about. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor at 8:30AM and then I have to go to an HIV education class and get an HIV test. So, I will be at the clinic for a lot longer than I care to be tomorrow and I need to try to go to bed by 12 or so. Last night I went to bed at 2:00AM!!!!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive been going to bed at like…9:00PM or 10:00PM but I made it allllll the way to 2:00AM last night! Thats when I like going to bed…no later than 3:00AM. I dont like going to bed super early but since I have to get up relatively early then of course I start getting tired super early too. But, ive figured out that I can wake up around 10:00AM and get to the clinic by 10:15 or 10:30AM and everything will be fine, its not any more packed than it is at 7:30 or 8:00AM, which is the time I normally go. Of course, the clinic closes at 11:00AM on Thursdays so on Thursdays I will have to get up by 9:00AM and make it down there…and Thursdays are normally pretty packed. So basically I am going to start waking up an hour or so later, giving myself a little longer to sleep, so that I can stay up a bit later and get my sleeping schedule on the track that I want it on. Which is going to bed anywhere from 12:00AM-3:00AM and waking up at about 9:30AM-10:00AM. Blah.

Ok. Im going to end this nonsense entry and watch some TV and do a little bit of reading. One of my favorite shows is on..its called “Most Evil” and it comes on the ID channel. You guys should check it out… ^_^

I havent written in a while. Its because I got a new cable box (DVR box) and ive been watching TV non stop. Lol. My computer is in my bedroom, and the TV with the digital cable is in the living room. So, Soda and I have been in the living room watching movies and stuff, which has been pretty good.

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.