Im not really slightly irritated. Thats just something I heard on “My Life On The D-List.”
I am pretty bored…and I have caught myself yawning here and there. So, once again I have nothing to write about, but, whatever. Oh yeah! I finally deleted my myspace account. *GASP* Why would someone delete their myspace? Well, because myspace is BULLSHIT. I have never been into myspace that much and I have bitched, and bitched, and bitched about it for the longest time..about how stupid it was.

Well, today I signed on for the first time in a while…I havent been signing onto myspace a whole lot lately, maybe once a month or so…and I see that myspace has yet ANOTHER way of ranking and categorizing friends. I dont like this. I do not like ranking and categorizing friends. Friends are friends to me. I dont rank them, or categorize them. I love and care for them all. So…finally…I was like FUCK IT and I deleted my myspace.

WOOHOO! Everyone should say FUCK YOU myspace and get rid of theirs too! Hah, I doubt that will happen…even though I really fail to see the glamor of this fuckin website…and I really cant fathom the glamor anyone else sees in it either. Oh well!

I REALLY have nothing to write about. But, for once, I actually feel like writing. Go figure, the one time I really feel like writing…I have nothing to write about.

Im sitting here eating chocolate donuts. They are GOOD too.

Whew..ok…lol..I started writing this entry like 45 minutes ago. Sorry. This entries gonna be all over the place but like I said, I just feel like writing.

When I first started working for the company I am presently employed with, during the spring, summer, and fall, I would park my car somewhere downtown and walk around downtown to work, instead of driving around like I normally do. My job requires me to visit a bunch of different places during the day and the majority of those places are downtown. So, I would park my car and walk around and I had a lot of fun doing it. The exercise I got was great, and I just felt good. Ive decided that I am probably going to start walking around again because I need the exercise and I think it would just be overall…a healthy change that I could make in my life. Sure, it would take a lot longer than normal but the pros really outweigh the cons. I would use less gas, get more exercise, get some sun, etc. The only thing thats really keeping me from walking is that I dont have an mp3 player. It would be so much more fun if I could listen to my music while I walk. I brought this up to my mom and she said maybe she could get me an IPOD for my birthday. At first I didnt like the idea…but the more and more I think about it…the more and more I want a freakin IPOD! I used to think there was no need for an ipod because I had tons of CDs and therefore I had no use for one but I started thinking…
Sure, I have tons of CDs but it seems like they are constantly getting broken and thrown all over the car. If I had an ipod I could bring all of my CDs in, load them into my computer, then onto my ipod and put the CDs away here in the house and never have to use them again. Thus, eliminating all of the cds laying all over my car taking up shit tons of room…blah blah you get the picture.

So now I want one really bad hahaha. Ive been checking out all the different kinds and I would rather have an ipod classic than an ipod touch.

Kelley also found these AWESOME laptop skins. Ive found quite a few that I like. Im gonna buy one for sure so ive made a list of all the ones I like and then ill narrow it down to the one I want and buy it with some paypal money ive been saving. There are a lot of really, really badass skins on that site. They arent TOO terribly expensive either. Definitely within my budget.

Anyway…I seriously dont have anything else to write about. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor at 8:30AM and then I have to go to an HIV education class and get an HIV test. So, I will be at the clinic for a lot longer than I care to be tomorrow and I need to try to go to bed by 12 or so. Last night I went to bed at 2:00AM!!!!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive been going to bed at like…9:00PM or 10:00PM but I made it allllll the way to 2:00AM last night! Thats when I like going to bed…no later than 3:00AM. I dont like going to bed super early but since I have to get up relatively early then of course I start getting tired super early too. But, ive figured out that I can wake up around 10:00AM and get to the clinic by 10:15 or 10:30AM and everything will be fine, its not any more packed than it is at 7:30 or 8:00AM, which is the time I normally go. Of course, the clinic closes at 11:00AM on Thursdays so on Thursdays I will have to get up by 9:00AM and make it down there…and Thursdays are normally pretty packed. So basically I am going to start waking up an hour or so later, giving myself a little longer to sleep, so that I can stay up a bit later and get my sleeping schedule on the track that I want it on. Which is going to bed anywhere from 12:00AM-3:00AM and waking up at about 9:30AM-10:00AM. Blah.

Ok. Im going to end this nonsense entry and watch some TV and do a little bit of reading. One of my favorite shows is on..its called “Most Evil” and it comes on the ID channel. You guys should check it out… ^_^

I havent written in a while. Its because I got a new cable box (DVR box) and ive been watching TV non stop. Lol. My computer is in my bedroom, and the TV with the digital cable is in the living room. So, Soda and I have been in the living room watching movies and stuff, which has been pretty good.

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.

I swore I was going to write more here. But, I still find myself blocked and not knowing what to write about. See, I feel like every time I write, I have to write about something profound and deep. I forget that I dont have to write anything profound, or deep. That this is my journal. Just a place for me to shoot the shit and talk about whatever I want.

I checked my comments and I had one from someone ive never seen here before. They called themselves “J” and obviously did not want to be identified. They talked a bit about my Methadone treatment and offered some friendly advice. Id like to take a minute to respond to their comment.

J,
Thank you for the well wishes. I need them, and I appreciate them.

I learned quickly not to find friends in my fellow Methadone patients. I didnt learn from anyone teaching me, I learned because I have half of a brain and once I listened to what a lot of these people were talking about, I completely realized there were no friends to be found there. It does sound a bit ruthless, but sometimes the truth hurts and it does not take a genius to figure out where these people are. Dont get me wrong, I am certainly not saying I am any better than any of them…because I am NO better than any of them. I just know me and I have to focus on MY goals and MY treatment and MY recovery. Call me selfish, but I have to be.

I do a lot of things now, that I didnt do before when I was on dope. Most of it having everything to do with getting and doing things for myself with money that I just couldnt get and do when I was using Heroin on a daily basis. I have always loved to read and I am finding myself spending an amazing amount of money on books at the used book store. I love it.

There are a lot of people who do not get off of Methadone for a very very long time. I dont know what their goals were when starting Methadone, but I cannot judge them…I dont know their stories. Like I said up there, I cannot focus on anyone but me.

Im already higher than 40mg. 40mg did not even get rid of withdrawal symptoms for me. I have a dose that I refuse to go higher than, and I have an estimated time I would prefer to stay on the program and an estimated time for when I would prefer to start tapering down and eventually get off.

Once I am off, I have no interest in getting a Bupe prescription. Once I am finished, I would prefer to be finished for good. If I find that its too hard, well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I am living moment to moment, and for the first time in a very very long time, I can genuinely say that I am happy.

Thank you again, J! Send positive vibes my way. All these positive vibes people are sending really are working for me.

Anyhow….
I figured I would write a quick treatment update too…but I think my words to J may have covered it. Every thing is going really, really well. Im still experiencing some symptoms with the Methadone and I am not up to my stable dose yet, but will be by the end of this week and from there I will ride it out until I feel im ready to stop.

I have to talk about this for a minute.
There has been a REAL problem in my household for the past 4 or 5 days or so. Soda, apparently, is not flushing the toilet correctly. I noticed this problem about 4 days ago I guess because at least once a day when I would go take a piss, the toilet would not flush and it would almost back up. So, I get out the plunger and I start plunging my happy ass off with my panties around my ankles and what happens?

**WARNING**
Before I continue, I felt the need to post a disclaimer. If you think that normal bodily functions and normal human behaviors are sick and should be kept private, then do not continue reading. Ok, ok, if SHIT, POOP, HUMAN FECES offends you..then DO NOT READ THIS SHIT…uh..no pun intended.

….So, have you guessed what happens yet? Well, ill tell you. Shit and tons, and tons of toilet paper comes up. Not my shit. Not my toilet paper. No. Not mine. Sodas.
This confused me at first for one main reason…
I thought that Soda didnt use enough toilet paper to wipe his ass. In fact, this was something I always bitched about…but he always vehemently denied. I guess he was right. He most certainly DOES wipe his ass thoroughly, so thoroughly that every time he shits, he stops up the toilet and doesnt say a damn thing to me about it so that when I go in there to piss…the toilet will damn near overflow and ill my ankle deep in shit stew.

I dont know WHY all of the sudden hes stopping the toilet up. I know he is not doing it on purpose. But, I also know that once hes figured out hes stopped the toilet up, he is just not saying anything about it to me so that when I go in there to piss, I wont be able to flush and I will think that I AM THE ONE who stopped it up. Thus relieving him of all the pressure. This dont fool me, though. This has happened at least once everyday this week. When I caught on to what was happening, that Soda obviously was not courtesy flushing, I confronted him about it and told him he needs to start courtesy flushing because every time I go piss I end up having to plunge his turds and massive amounts of toilet paper out of the toilet so that the toilet will flush the next time one of us uses it.
He had never even HEARD of courtesy flushing. I told him to flush during the turd coming out, then once after its come out, then after he wipes. So thats three flushes. I told him to flush three times when he shits.

So, when I went to the bathroom around mid-day today I was fully expecting to be able to sit and enjoy my tinkle, flush, wash my hands, and walk out of the bathroom feeling like a new woman. So much for wishful thinking. When I flushed and I saw those turd remnants and pieces of toilet paper floating around in my urine…I tried to convince myself that maybe I had pooped without knowing it because if I faced the fact that Soda had ONCE AGAIN stopped the fucking toilet up…I was going to punch a hole in the wall.

I know most of you are thinking “why didnt you just get him to plunge it?” Well, I will answer that.
He makes a huge fucking mess when he plunges because he doesnt do it properly. He basically just stirs his shit stew. He doesnt plunge, he makes dinner (yuck!). So I do it.

So, anyway, I went storming, stomping into the living room screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???” And he looks at me puzzled and I say: “I know you fully realize you are stopping up the toilet, how is this happening? Are you not flushing like I told you to?” He tells me that hes scared to flush now because hes scared its going to overflow.
I said: “Listen, next time you shit, you get in there and you flush while youre shitting like flushings going out of style. You flush before you shit, you flush while youre shitting, you flush when that first turd hits the water, and you flush before every other turd hits the water and after. I dont care if you drop 18 turds you flush during and after each one, and you flush after each wipe. FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH. I am SICK of going to take a piss only to find out youve SHIT in the toilet and stopped it up again!!!!” Then I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the wet plunger (it was wet from me washing it off…not from the icky stew hahaahah but he didnt know that) and started to wave it around him, he screamed like a little girl and hid himself under the covers.

Thats what I thought. Next time, it will REALLY be turd water. I think its time he got acquainted with some turd water. Hell, I know I have over the last week. If he stops that damn toilet up one more time its HIS TURN.

If I notice him in the bathroom shitting, im going to start banging on the door screaming “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!” when he least expects it lmao. Just thinking about scaring him by doing that cracks me up. Im serious though. I would record it too if I didnt think that was a serious invasion of privacy.

Ill keep you guys updated on this shitty situation xD.

Theres a new Dear Abbie.

Dear Abbie,
My boyfriend stops up the toilet every time he has a bowel movement and doesnt tell me about it in hopes that I will think I did it when I go to tinkle and the toilet doesnt flush. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Leslie.

I changed themes to something very simple that I got over at scribblescratch. I like it. I decided to change my theme to something simple and elegant because I wanted it to reflect the lifestyle I am trying to live right now. Minus the elegant part. Lets face it, you guys, I will NEVER be elegant, lol.

It is 3:32AM and I am not asleep. I have to go to the clinic around..oh..I dunno…6:30AM or so. They close at 11AM today so its best I get there as early as possible because im sure there are going to be tons of people there. Now, when I say tons..I mean tons. In one and a half hours that methadone clinic doses 500 people and sends them on their way home.

So, I guess I am due to write a little more detailed update. I dont mind. I am really going to start using my blog as a journal, a mechanism for self therapy. You may laugh at that, but you also havent been through what I have recently.

Like I said, on Tuesday, June the 10th my boyfriend and I were on our way to pay off some traffic tickets he had and, well, its no secret now that we both have a heroin problem. On Monday, June 9th we made a pact with each other…that was our last day. We were going to buy one gram, thats all..and split it, and that would be it. We would be sick and sweat it out together. That day we didnt have enough money to buy a whole gram…so we got a half of one fronted to us. That means we owed our “dealers” the money for a half a gram of heroin.
On Tuesday morning, June 10th, on our way to pay off some of his traffic tickets…we decided to meet up with them to pay them back to get it all over with. We met in the usual fashion. Soda hopped back in my car and it was somber moment. We started to leave the grocery store parking lot that we met up in…and a car almost hit us. I am a mouthy bitch so I was yelling the typical road rage rhetoric when the male in the car starts to get out. At this point..im thinking..”Ok, We are about to get beat up by a big ol black dude.” Now that I look back on it, I sooo wish we would have gotten beaten up by big ol black dude. Big ol black dude turned out to be Big Ol Vice Squad. He choked me back into my passenger seat so that he could reach all the way through the window and grab Soda by his neck. Soda split. Im not sure why he split…but…as humans our fight or flight mechanism kicks in during this situation and he flew. I tried to fly, but I couldnt get the car to move. I tried for what seemed like hours to get the fucking car to drive because I was going to get the fuck out of there. I realize now that it was only about two seconds and the car wouldnt drive because it had been turned off by force, when it was not in park. So, when I was trying to turn it on..it wouldnt because it wasnt in park. By this time I looked out the window to see Soda on the ground getting beaten by about three cops. I just remember his face smashed against the pavement and three cops piling on top of him. About that time the same black guy grabs me by one arm out of the car. I was not resisting at all. At this point, my senses had kicked in, I wasnt thinking irrationally..and there was no reason for me not to comply with everything that was going on around me. He pushed me, and shoved me, and did everything he could short of pushing and knocking me down. I verbally protested “Sir, There is no reason for you to push me like this, I am not resisting.” His reply was “Im just making sure you dont fall.” At that point, if he wasnt a police officer…I would have turned around and smacked the fuck out of him. Did he think that because he was bigger than me he could push me around and treat me like I was below him? Was it because I was female? White? Because he had a better job? Or because…wed been caught in what they assumed was a drug deal and he was looking at me like I was junkie scum and junkie scum isnt worth respect? It doesnt matter. What does matter is that he was treating me as if I was somehow unequal to him, under him, less than him. I dont know if any of you here reading this have been truly treated as if you are LESS THAN equal to someone, but it is the most dehumanizing, humiliating feeling in the world. I am not saying I did not deserve to get caught. Im not bitching about getting caught. Up until that point I had been committing crimes everyday, multiple times a day. Buying illegal drugs. That is criminal activity and I was a criminal, taking part in criminal activity…not at that moment, on that particular day, but I had been for days before that…so, yes, I deserved arrest. I did not deserve dehumanization.

Anyhow, I soon learned that I had been caught in the middle of a sting. The news media (you can see a video about the bust and even see our mugshots here). Basically they caught 15 addicts and the 4 dealers. Because Soda and I were not buying drugs, and had no drugs on us at the time of the bust, we were treated with the utmost disrespect by the police..ironic, eh? I think its because they just didnt get what they wanted so they slapped us with the most bullshit, trumped up charges EVER. Ok. Soda got evading and resisting…which he deserved because thats what he did. BUT, they charged BOTH of us with paraphernalia….the exact charge I believe was “unlawful use of drug paraphernalia.” Heres the fucking kicker..the paraphernalia they are talking about is as follows: ROLLING PAPERS, DIGITAL SCALES, and A CIGARETTE ROLLER!!! Ok, I can understand the digital scales..but the fuckin rolling papers and cigarette roller… WHEN THERE WAS CIGARETTE TOBACCO IN THE CAR!! Oh my God. Anyway..we ended up sitting at the secret sting location (a mall parking lot) from like 9AM to 6PM in the scorching heat, then we were loaded into literal cages on wheels and hauled to jail where we stayed until 2AM. Soda made pretrial. I didnt, I dont know why I didnt and he did..but he did. His bail was more than mine, his bail was 6k. Mine was 2k. Anyway…I had to make bond but I got out. Our court date is on July 1st. I am getting a public defender. I think I will be ok.

Like I said, I am in the Methadone program which is treatment for opiate addicts. Not a lot of people understand opiate addiction. The brain of an opiate addict is very very different from that of a normal person..and not just because of the drugs. There have been amazing medical and scientific advances in the area of study that involves opiate addicts and how our brains work…the information is amazing. I am learning so much at the clinic and I will write about the emotional mind and physical brain of an opiate addict in my next entry…as well as why I support methadone clinics and why suburban moms need to stop fucking bitching when one is built in their neighborhood.

Until next time….
Send me positive vibes.

Today I entered myself into treatment. Replacement therapy treatment, which means Methadone. I am not in the least bit ashamed of this…shit, I wasnt ashamed of being a Heroin addict. Im doing it, so why be ashamed?

Anyhow. Today was the best day ive had in a very very long time. It was the first day in what seems like forever that I have not worried about where im gonna get the money to get my dope. It was the first day I rode my bike down to my moms pool, went swimming for two hours, got out, went to the store, bought two new bathing suites, some new jellies (remember those shoes??? I got some!! ahaha old school fresh stylee!!!), then I went to the bookstore and bought a trillion books on tarot. I am starting to study tarot again.

I used to read tarot when I was really too young to comprehend the meaning and potency behind symbolism, but now, I do. I do because of my own life experiences. I want a hobby that interests me so I decided to take up tarot reading again because not only will it allow me to gain insight into my own life, but others too/

If GOD assembled a rock band…who would be in it? Who would sing, who would play guitar, bass, and drums? Think about it..this is GOD creating a rock band…now..

Ok..here we go…

Jeff Buckley on Vocals
Either, Jimi Hendrix or John Frusciante on guitar..Jimi leading..definately..
John Bonham on Drums
And….Pnut on Bass.

That im losing myself in a white trash hell.

“Walking down the streets at night
I see her stumbling through the rain
A skinny figure in the dark
Her face a shade of grey

Begging here and barking there
She’s swearing all the time
Her fingers fumbling with her hair
A dirty mess of grime

And she starts to cry and she’s asking why
Her life’s always the same
But she does not see, that unfortunately
There’s no one here to blame

“Heroin” she said, “was the best I had…
No more mountains left to climb.
The world so slow… all my dreams just too high
To be fulfilled in time…!

She grabs my arm… and I feel alarmed
Her fingers gripping tight
I see her pleading eyes… so I start to disguise
And say, that everything’s alright…

And the reason why I pretended and lied
Is that I don’t want to kill
The poor dream that’s left in the deepest cleft
Of the thing that she calls will…!

“Heroin” she said, “was the best I had…
No more mountains left to climb.
The world so slow… all my dreams just too high
To be fulfilled in time…!”

Another song I love:

Hey see you know what I, I know what I dont
You promise you promise and I know you won’t
The problems and pressures we face everyday
Are sometimes more like but always on display
It breaks in your ears it aches in your bones and brings you to tears
With various incisions you load another bullet
Your shootin’ with precision

I’m talented with atrophy yea i do it well
you know I’d like to take a break from suffering in hell
Squattin’ is the excuse is I frequently abuse
Either way I hold the chain im gonna need a noose cause PAIN!!!!!!!!
Sweats on my skin, sick with bad memories and burns for my sin PAIN!!!!!!!
To talk with each breath
The only solution is the sweet taste of death!

Don’t mistake the demeanor
My kindness and weakness
I’ll burn you with reality
While you cry to your Jesus
You’re suffocating in two
You’re choking in an empty room
You’re empty life thats ending soon
Completely spells your doom

I made a choice deep inside
heroin or suicide?
sickness praised in times of need
we waste away from hands of greed
Jesus nailed to wooded T’s
cannot compete with my disease
humanity the weak condition my soul is sick from my decision

PAIN!!! The badness increases
The goodness wants to cry while we are cut to pieces
PAIN!!! Precious death
Paralysed with apathy thats all thats fucking left!
PAIN!!!

I havent blogged in a minute. My life has changed…quite a bite and I am still honestly not that used to the adjustment and sometimes it catches up to me and its like..the best way to describe it…is that I am in a constant state of inertia.

I tried to give Soda another chance. Immediately I noticed some of my medicine (I take Klonopin) was gone.
But, even more immediately than that, I noticed that it was not the heroin..the heroin wasnt the reason I left him. I left him….because there wasnt anything there between me and him. He loved me, endlessly. But, I didnt love him endlessly. Which does break my heart. I hate that I dont love him the way he loves me. But, I just cant stay with him to make myself happy. I cannot stay with him…in mediocrity…in the misery equation..just to make someone else happy. Thats not good FOR ME and regardless of what anyone, anyone, anyone says….YOU should come before everyone else in your life. Life is very very hard sometimes but I dont believe that God (however you believe in it) puts anything on us we cant handle. No matter how painful.

Since I have made a new post thats really been worth anything…on top of that I havent been commenting like I should.

I really hate blogging without my laptop. Its just..ugh. I feel like I dont have the “freedom” to do it, if that makes sense. If I want to blog, I have to come into SODAS studio (where my old PC is, which is getting really fucking old because I am tired of his bitching that im in here, so its hard to be in here long enough to write a halfway decent blog entry). Plus, I have been working on a side project I have been trying to do for a while which is sort of..a retro erotica/costumed/fetish “modeling” site. I just call it Nuevo Retro. I put modeling in quotations because..I am not trying to get some kinda contract from some fake ass modeling company. I just want it to be me, and pictures I have wanted to take for a very long time, and hopefully some people paying for some shit..whether it be prints, video chats, or used items from the photoshoots (yep..guys WILL do that…pretty fucking weird, eh?) but, its gonna take a LONG time for me to get a fan base so im taking it slow, while working on it pretty hard…its gonna take a long time to gather up the material I need, to the advertising needed to get the very specific sort of members that would pay for what I am offering. BLAH. There is no full nudity on the site..actually..probably wont be much nudity at all. Maybe some boobies, but it will be mostly fetish. I have a lot of plans for it..and..if I dont make money from it..FUCK IT, at least I had a fun fucking time.

You know, I have been in a serious like…ditch of depression lately. As painful as they are, and as miserable as I am during them, I generally learn something very important during them. This time..I learned I wanted to take pictures of myself…erotica styled photographs, modeled after the great 1920s, and 1930s flapper girls, burlesque strippers, and silent film stars…and some fun stuff splattered in all over. Thats something ive wanted to do for years now..id like to pose like the stars I admire, possibly make some money doing it..if not….then at least I had a lot of fun doing it.

Well, I was going to write about a big event that happened in my life today but, I am just too tired. I will write about it tomorrow