Over the course of my use and subsequent addiction to opiates, I thought that I had learned everything about them and how they work in users brains, what causes addiction, what the addiction is, etc. I was wrong. I definitely had not learned everything, there were some very, extremely important things that I had not learned about opiate addiction and how it effects users and then, what Methadone does to counteract and heal the wounds previous opiate use has caused.

Firstly, opiate addiction, unlike any other addiction, is a disease in every sense of the word. It is both a physical disease in which the user shows symptoms and illness, but a psychological one and most importantly..opiate addiction is a BRAIN DISEASE. Most other drugs we know of are only “psychologically” addictive and do not cause the brain disease that opiate addiction does. It is well known that opiate withdrawal causes intense discomfort, pain, diarrhea, muscle and stomach aches, restless leg syndrome and vomiting but it also causes a disease of the brain.

There are a lot of ways someone can BECOME addicted to opiates and then there is also predisposition to opiate addiction. Saying that one is predisposed to become an addict is in no way blaming the problem on someone other than the addict, its just a genetic, hereditary truth. First, let me explain the brain disease a little bit more and I will go into more detail about hereditary addiction.

Like most all other drugs, opiates have a direct effect on the dopamine produced in your brain, or..lets say…the lack of dopamine being produced in your brain. The opiate, like most all other drugs, causes a huge release of dopamine. Dopamine controls appetites for food and sex and after about 4 months of opiate use…without the opiates..your brain just doesnt produce dopamine anymore. PET scans conducted on the brains of heroin and other opiate addicts showed this. The addiction also has a direct effect on our Norepinephrin which controls the part of our nervous system that we do NOT have control over. When a questionable situation happens, its the release of Norepinephrin that causes the fight or flight mechanism to kick in. Opiate use suppresses this when one is under the influence of the drug so the user feels safe…literally like NOTHING can harm them. So when you dont have the opiates in your system..it triggers this re uptake of this “fight or flight” and causes intense, insane panic and anxiety.

Now, there are actual opioid receptors in our body that deal with feelings of safety and happiness. These receptors are in our spinal columns I think. There are 4 receptors that are directly involved in the effects of opioids. They are: Mu, Kappa, Delta and Sigma. Like a fucking fraternity, lol. Seriously though….the delta receptor deals with euphoria (the onset of euphoria when under the influence and the extreme taking away of euphoria when not under the influence), the sigma deals with depression (the taking away of depression when under the influence and the onset of depression when there are no opioids to attach to the sigma receptors). The Mu and Kappa deal with pain relief.

The last part of the disease is the effect that opiate addiction has on our endorphines. Our bodies have opioid receptors in them because our bodies produce chemicals naturally that can latch onto these receptors and cause similar effects to opiates and opioids. Those chemicals are called Endorphines. They are super similar to Morphine and they moderate our moods, promote pleasure and manage our reactions to stress. So when someone is high on opiates, it makes sense that they are very laid back, easy going, etc..and when they are not, they are anxious, and very defensive (which would explain why Soda would run from the police even without having drugs on him). The cessation of opiate use explains the often erratic and illogical actions of the addict. Someone who has never used opiates gets a normal amount of endorphines into these receptors, whereas addicts are constantly overloading the socket, so to speak. Four months of continuous opiate use causes the body to stop making endorphines on its own. So when you quit and have made it past the gut wrenching physical withdrawals…you have no dopamine or endorphines. And it takes a VERY VERY long time for the body to begin to make these on their own again with no help from an opiate. Thats why its so easy to go use again. Its not just a matter of “quitting.” If you think it is, then you obviously have never been in this situation and you need to shut the fuck up because you arent qualified to even form an opinion on this subject

So now, back to the hereditary nature of the disease. Research has now shown that children with one opiate dependent parent have a chance of inheriting a depression which, a lot of the time, leads to addiction when they are anywhere between 18-21 years of age because around this age, their dopamine will automatically begin to decrease and their body will stop making endorphines. This causes the person to be depressed and they will seek out ways to become happy. For some this means countless trial and error sessions with SSRI’s or anti psychotics or other pharmaceuticals that often times do nothing so the person goes on to experiment with self medication- illegal drugs…and when they experiment with that opiate..BAM. Theyve hit the mark. Now, a lot of these people dont have the money or the mens or the hook up to continue use..but for many…they do. And this is the start of an evil cycle.

Methadone helps this by speeding up the process in which your brain creates dopamine and endorphines again. Not only does it have a profound chemical effect in that it allows the brain to begin the process of building up natural dopamine and endorphines, but it takes the user off of the streets. Science and medicine are finally beginning to realize the huge effect opiates take on the human brain and the disease they cause, and our government is reacting accordingly by legalizing methadone. Methadone clinics take addicts off of the streets and into medical facilities where they are properly taken care of and supervised by trained medical professionals. Addicts no longer have to go out and commit a crime in order to just feel “normal.” Methadone is not just “replacement therapy,” it is also medical supervision, doctors visits, therapist visits, support systems…everything an addict needs to recover properly in an environment where opiate addiction is understood and treated for what it is and the user is not frowned upon and looked down upon as scum. The addict now has responsibilities he or she must take care of at the clinic, whether it is keeping up with their receipts and take home dose bottles in their lock boxes, to maintaining their appointments with their doctor, counselor and support groups.

There are a lot of high strung home makers who get bent out of shape when a methadone clinic is going to be built nearby. Let me inform you…

These people have no right to even have a sayso in the decision simply because they are judging based on the term “Methadone Clinic” and giving into preconceived notions, stereotypes and stigmas about clinics when in fact they know nothing because methadone treatment is 100 percent confidential and unless someone tells you they are on methadone..YOU DO NOT KNOW. If you sat outside a clinic and watched the people who came in and out of the facility…you would not be able to tell if it were just a normal doctors office, or lawyers office, or any other normal public facility.
Addiction does not discriminate, anyone and everyone can become addicted. Ive only listed like..two ways here. There are corporate addicts who maintain a 6 figure income who became addicted when their doctor over prescribed them, there are mothers who were given narcotic pain killers after the birth of their children, there are grandparents, parents, children, businessmen….people from all walks of life and these people are making positive change in their lives.

I am one of those people. No one would know unless I told them. Now I have.

Happiness is not external.

The world outside of my window is fast paced, constantly changing, constantly evolving.  My take on reality is that nothing we do in this life is ever going to matter here, or anywhere fucking else for that matter. But, I will be god damned if I let that beat me down. Happiness is internal. There are no outside sources that can effect who we are. None outside of me, and none outside of you.

I think the point of this life is…to enjoy it. I dont think there is any huge metaphysical conundrum, no scientific or religious or spiritual explanation. No huge “meaning of life” that we all search for. Its right here…its right in front of us.

We are given this. Lets enjoy it. After all, dont you think thats really the point of it all?

“It’s all about love. love. love. love.
Don’t ever let anything be more important”.
- Jeff Buckley

This is a bulletin a friend posted on myspace.
I made a personal response to this bulletin that I will post below, AFTER I post the original bulletin. Heres the original:

Body: Why do we ((sleep)) in [[school]],

But stay ((awake)) through a [[3 hour movie]]?
Why is it so ((hard)) to talk about [[God]],
but so ((easy)) to talk about [[sex]]?
Why are we so ((bored)) when we look at a [[Christian magazine]],
but find it ((easy)) to read [[Playboy]]?
Why is it so easy to ((ignore)) a [[Godly]] myspace bulletin,
Yet we ((repost)) the [[nasty]] ones?
Why are ((churches)) getting [[smaller]],
But ((bars and clubs)) are [[expanding]]?
Why is it so easy to purchase {beer} and {drugs}?
But so hard to donate 25 cents for a {Charity}?
Why is it so easy to worship a {Celebrity}?
But very difficult to engage with {God}?
Think about it, are you going to repost this?
Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you’ll get laughed at?
Repost this as “dont read if ur immature ….seriously”
80 % of you wont repost this.
The Lord said:
“If you deny me in front of your friends, I will deny you in front of my Father

And, my response ^_^ :
This was in my bulletin box! All due respect goes to the people who believe in Christianity, Jesus, and all things Abrahmic, however, some of us do not. So, I will gladly answer the questions posed in this bulletin from my perspective!

Everything I type will be inbetween ::::these::::

Body: Why do we ((sleep)) in [[school]], :::Because our education system is so underfunded and primitive there are no new, innovative, interactive and INTERESTING ways to teach school. In order to learn something, one has to be interested in it. Schools do not make anything interesting for the students, therefore, they dont learn:::

But stay ((awake)) through a [[3 hour movie]]? :::Because it is interesting and it holds our interest, unlike school.:::

Why is it so ((hard)) to talk about [[God]], ::::I dont find it hard to talk about God at all, its just that, living in the buckle of the Bible belt, the idea of “God” and what “God” is, is very very narrow and trapped inside of an ages old box that no one here has the willpower or the bravery to break open. People are indirectly forced to blindly believe in something and never challenge it. I challenge things. I challenge man made ideals about what God is. I challenge the beliefs and the believers of a man made religion. Christianity is a man made religion. Most Christians havent the slightest idea about the true history of Christianity and condemn you to hell before you can even begin to try and teach it to them, yet they are so quick to “witness” their misguided truths to you.::

but so ((easy)) to talk about [[sex]]? :::There is absolutely nothing wrong with sex. Sex is a natural occurrence, a human NEED, just like sleeping or eating. A positive, healthy sex life has positive physical and mental benefits. In our society, sex is either talked about in a negative way..or not talked about at all. There is no positive sex education here, only sexual miseducation. American mass media fills our youths heads full of sexual ideas about how a woman should look, how much she should weigh, how a man should treat her. American mass media essentially fucks up our ideas about beauty and sex from a very young age. Sex NEEDS to be talked about.:::

Why are we so ((bored)) when we look at a [[Christian magazine]], ::::Because I find the same ol rehashed “modern” Christian babble to be the most boring, false dribble ive ever read in my life. Now, if a Christian magazine one day decided to write articles about the first Ecumenical Councils, the Council of Nicea, The Great Schism, etc..then I would LOVE to read them. But they dont, they are filled with simple minded propaganda…they are filled with myths to manipulate the masses.:::

but find it ((easy)) to read [[Playboy]]? ::::I dont know anyone who even reads Playboy, but, I could say that this is a direct outcome of the moronic ideas the American Mass Media pumps into the minds of our youth regarding ideas of sexuality and beauty.:::

Why is it so easy to ((ignore)) a [[Godly]] myspace bulletin, ::: I am not ignoring this one. However, most “Godly” bulletins are filled with simple ideas from one viewpoint. Simple “CHRISTIAN” ideas. I am neither simple, nor Christian.:::

Yet we ((repost)) the [[nasty]] ones? :::I dont repost any nasty bulletins but I could definitely say that this is also a direct repercussion of what mass media is instilling into our youths:::

Why are ((churches)) getting [[smaller]],::::Because people are coming to their senses and realizing that NOTHING taught in modern American “Christianity” has anything to do with real early Christianity and, in fact, keeps true Christianity under wraps because it promotes individuality and deep spirituality. What is taught in church now is a product of MAN. It has nothing to do with God. Read your history.::::

But ((bars and clubs)) are [[expanding]]? ::::Because as human beings, we desire pleasure. Its not that bars and clubs are the only things that can give us pleasure..spirituality and God can also give us pleasure. However, some of us simply arent satisfied with the same rehashed crap pulverized into our brains over and over and over again. There is a LIMITLESS amount of knowledge that exists within this mass consciousness. What the MEN who preach “Christianity” in this modern world would LIKE me to believe as truth, well, I know otherwise and I am not dumb enough to simply believe it blindly without questioning, studying, and doing my research. Anyway..whats wrong with bars and clubs?:::

Why is it so easy to purchase {beer} and {drugs}? ::::Why shouldnt it be? Who says these things are wrong? We are human beings, we desire pleasure. One does not have to relate the consumption of alcohol and drugs to God, but they also CAN be related and have been for centuries. As a matter of fact, throughout history many cultures have consumed alcohol and drugs as a means to build a bridge TO God and TO the divine. The Mazatec Indians use Salvia, the Bwitists use Iboga, Native American Tribes use a multitude of entheogens, “Soma” from The Vedas is thought to be the Amanitas Muscaria mushroom, different species of mushrooms are also used by natives of Papua New Guinea. Research is being conducting now among scholars who believe that the “manna” referred to in the Old Testament was actually Psylocibin Mushrooms (P. cubensis). The physical descriptions of Manna, as well as the cultivation and harvesting methods described in the Bible are identical to those of Psilocybin Mushrooms(P. cubensis). Manna means “Bread of the Gods” just as the Mayan word TEONANACATL, the Greek word AMBROSIA, the Sanskrit word SOMA, which all describe Psylocibin Mushrooms of varying species, but mostly P. cubensis, which are still consumed today. It is social stigma and moral subjectivity which have made “drugs” a bad thing, and in may circumstances if not used correctly they can be bad. But, if used negatively…what ISNT bad? “Beer and drugs” may be looked upon by modern society as completely bad and separate from God..but who is to dictate that, really?:::

But so hard to donate 25 cents for a {Charity}? ::::I have never personally come across someone who would not donate 25cents to charity, but perhaps this could be due to the outing of many charities as false. The news that so many so called “charities” dont really donate the money to just causes at all, but pocket the money. Perhaps in todays society greed has gone so far to everyones head that no one knows who to trust.:::

Why is it so easy to worship a {Celebrity}? ::::Again, this completely has to do with the subliminal brainwashing of the masses by the American Mass Media.:::

But very difficult to engage with {God}? :::Because most people are not educated about God. In this country, people are only given one view of God, one definition. They grow up Christian, are familiar with it, and due to all of the fire and brimstone threats they are afraid to question it or look elsewhere. If I was taught that God could possibly condemn me, his own creation, his creation created in likeness of him, to a lifetime of suffering in hell, I would find it very hard to talk to him too.:::

Think about it, are you going to repost this? :::I most definitely am.:::

Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you’ll get laughed at? :::Most certainly not. I hope that I will educate someone by reposting this:::

Repost this as “dont read if ur immature ….seriously” :::No. I will repost it as something different.:::

80 % of you wont repost this.

I would absolutely LOVE to see someone post a rebuttal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

I just came across this radio interview with a man named Larry Nichols who worked alongside Bill Clinton for a very long time inside of the Government. And, Wow. Just. Wow. The things said in this interview are absolutely insane. You have to hear it.

http://www.nw0.info/files/Radio/Alex%20Jones%20Radio%20Archive/2008/February/aj_2008-02-07.mp3

Let it load all the way, and then skip to about the center…listen for a man with a raspy voice. The things that the Clintons have been doing throughout their political career…whew. My, my, my.  I know that recently there is a lot of talk about the church Obama belongs to…that is a grain of salt in the ocean in comparison to the shit that will be heard here. Larry Nichols is an ex special forces CIA operative who worked with the Clintons until he found out that Cocaine was being imported via Mena, Arkansas. He talks about that, he talks about the murder of a farmer whos daughter Bill Clinton was fucking, the farmer was gonna go public with the affair…I mean..its crazy shit. Really sad. These are an extremely corrupt people. There is a part of me that feels sorry that Hillary is involved in this, but thats just it..she IS a part of all of this. My reasons for disliking her before were trivial, menial. Silly. As a matter of fact, I liked her and hoped that she could possibly be vice president. Not anymore. The Clintons need to be kept out of office.

I was writing an e-mail to a new e-mail buddy of mine and he said he wanted to know a bit about my life..so..I decided to talk about it. Here ya go…

Right now I live with my boyfriend. It is difficult living on our own, you know? Very different from being a kid and many times I find myself thinking about my childhood and just..yearning to be a child again in the arms of my mom. My mother and I have a SUPERB relationship. She is my BEST friend in the whole world. Shes my hero.

Now, prepare for the story of my father. Whew. Ok….this is a bit emotional for me…but I share it with people because everything that has happened in my life has played a huge role in who I am…and this includes my father. Let me begin by saying that I love my dad. There have been times in my life where I needed him very much as a father, but now that I am an adult…I need him as a friend. I miss him so much.
I lived with my mom and dad until I was about 7 years old. Maybe 8. I had a happy childhood with the looming sense that SOMETHING was wrong. Something just wasnt right in our household and my mother did an amazing job at sheltering me from the heartbreak that was going on in my house as a child.
My father was and still is an intravenous heroin addict. It breaks my heart just to write it. I want to go back and delete it over and over again but the absence of the words does nothing for the reality of the situation. When my parents were divorced, I didnt see my father for years. All the sudden I got a letter from him that said he was living in Florida with his parents. So, during the summers I would go down and visit him.
He had a new girlfriend by this time. Her name was Kay. I went down to Florida on Christmas, to spend Christmas with my father. Well, when I woke up on Christmas morning…he was gone. I figured hed be coming back soon so I just sat and listening to my cd player. A lot of hours passed and he wasnt home yet. It was dark. I got bored and decided to clean the house as a gift, when I got finished mopping the kitchen floor I sat down to get some rest and then I thought I heard his truck pull up..so I ran through the kitchen..slipped on the wet floor..and busted my head open on the side of the refrigerator. Yeah, thats kinda funny, lol. He didnt come home until about 11 or so that night.
I dunno where he was. Dont care anymore.
Well, after that he moved back to Tennessee, married another woman and I went to his house every other weekend and things seemed pretty normal. He invited me and my cousin to go on a camping trip with him, and my aunt and uncle. I could sense that things werent right with him. I am imagining now that this was the time he was in the throws of his addiction and he brought me right into the middle of it, which, I should be very angry at…but I forgive him. Well, everything was fine until we all went on a hiking trail and about..halfway through the hiking trail we turned around and my daddy was gone. We all ran around and screamed his name over and over but we couldnt find him. So we just went back to the camp site and called the police. My aunt and uncle drove us to their house where my mom came and picked us up. All I could think was that my father had let me down again.
He disappeared again after that. The next time I was to see him I was 16 years old..almost 17. I heard a knock at the front door and it was my father! And, his new girlfriend. We didnt talk about all the bad times..we never did. He just made promises that he would stick around, be a part of my life, yadda yadda. I visited him a couple times in Oklahoma. I even went over there for Christmas when I was 17.
My dad was acting..very..very strange. More strange than id EVER seen him before. Something really shady was going on. I could tell. By this time I had learned of his drug use and I sort of understood what was going on. But, once again, in the throws of his addiction..he brought me in. To most people this would seem crazy but I know he did it just because he missed me and he wanted to see his little girl.
Anyway, I had bought some hair dye at the store and wanted to dye my hair one night so I was in the bathroom dying my hair and I stepped up onto the top of the toilet to reach the cabinet and for some weird reason I picked up all the towels and I found a needle, a spoon, a lighter, and one full baggie and a few baggies with residue. I wasnt angry. I was just heart broken again. Hed broken my heart again, but thats ok. I confronted him about it and he just said he was using the needles to inject the dog with something (they didnt even have a dog). Ugh. His rage started to go above and beyond. I heard him on the phone with my mom, and my mom must have KNOWN something was going on by the way he sounded. Well, I heard my dad scream “IM GONNA DROP HER OFF AT YOUR GOD DAMNED DOORSTEP.” He was obviously talking about me, but because he screamed at my mom..that really pissed me off and I said to him “Who do you think you are? You are so fucked up on whatever dope youre pushing into your veins that you dont even realize who youre talkin to. Youre talkin to the woman who raised me ..you have nothing to do with it. You didnt raise me youve hurt me constantly.” Well, he began to throw all of my belongings in trash bags, put them in the back of his truck..took me to the airport and I flew home, heartbroken again.
Well, I gave him another chance. And, this is the most painful for me. The next Christmas I wanted to go see him again. He lived in Oklahoma so my mom was going to drive me halfway and dad would drive halfway to pick me up. So, I get there to load my things into his car..everything was fine. About 15 minutes into the trip with my dad..he started to “nod off” (fall asleep) at the wheel due to his drug use. He was high. He was swerving off the road and I got really scared and I said…”Dad if you dont pull over and get you something to wake you up..im gonna call the cops..and call mom or something because im scared” so he reached in the backseat like he was gonna hit me or something and so I opened the car door. He just..grabbed me by my neck and threw me out of the moving vehicle. I only had my cellphone and a book. Everything else I had taken…he took. My guitar, my boots, and a pillow that my deceased grandmother made me when I was a baby. It was all gone and there I was..alone..in Arkansas. I called my mom and she called the nearest police department. I started walking back to where we had come from. I walked for a few miles and a state trooper found me. Took me to the police station and my mom drove all the way back and picked me up there.

I havent seen or spoken to my father since. So, thats that I guess, huh? Lol.

Everyone knows that I have severe panic problems. Good news in that department..I am probably gonna be going to the doctor sometime this week so I can get my shit LEGALLY…;) ;). Anyway, lol. Yesterday I took notice of something I do compulsively ever since I had that super weird “panic attack” thing last August. I check my pulse, and Sodas pulse..constantly. I check mine every 5 minutes or so..by feeling my neck..right in the center of my collarbone, but when Soda is sleeping I noticed that I check his pulse through his wrist. Its really strange..and sort of creepy.

Anyway. I gotta get my anxiety issues under control. Bring on the benzos!

Ive been thinking a lot lately about the current state of the world..and in particular..the state of religion…Islam..to be exact. I dont know whats going on, I feel like all this is new..but its been going on since the inception, so I am left to believe that this is something very old and what is happening now has evolved, like everything else, from primitivity.

The state of our world is in complete shambles. You want someone to blame. As humans, we need someone to blame. I think that most people blame Islam..and thats..just not intelligent.

Religion is and always has been, above all else, a psychological weapon. Since the beginning of mankind, religion has been used as a means of power and control. Fear and longing for a non existent afterlife has governed peoples actions, or their non action, since the beginning of our species.
It doesnt take a genius to look at history and see what great events religion has brought forth upon mankind. The Crusades. The Inquisition. Waco. Jonestown.  In all of those occurances there is one common theme. Religion being used to control and manipulate mankind. Thats why religion was “created.” A way to manipulate the masses. There is another common theme among religion and that is the belief in the God-Man Mythology. The belief a human being actually physically existed on this Earth with powers inhuman and was more God than human. A hero. A typical Hollywood, fantasy hero.

Christians are a prime example. They rely on the belief in Jesus. The belief in a man who stood for everything good about humanity, but sadly, did not physically exist. There is no contemporary evidence supporting his existence, and everything logically points to no. And yet, millions of people believe on his FACTUAL existence when his FACTUAL existence really has little to do with the religion, he is a myth and what Christianity is based on is based on the idea and the harmony that his myth represents, yet so many Christians are so militant about his physical, historical existence that that is the only aspect of his myth that they focus on. Do you know why?
Because people in power rely on this physical existence to continue to propagate the myth that controls the masses. As long as he “existed” the people have something to believe in. God Man Mythology keeps people in line because they have a hero.

In the case of Islam..there is no God Man. Muhammad knew exactly what he was doing when he created Islam. He effectively tweaked mans greatest psychological weapon: Religion. He altered it to not only be the perfect way to control the masses, but the perfect way to build an endless army. Islam, just like Christianity, is the perfect way to control. Religion especially appeals to the common people. So, in todays general Middle Eastern society where there is NO middle class you are either rich or poor…religion is the perfect escape. Muslim extremists rely on the belief in an afterlife of contentment and happiness, and that governs their violent actions. Martyrdom = heaven. Heaven = freedom from poverty, freedom from political strife. Freedom. Freedom from the one thing that has kept them from being free. The greatest political weapon..their own religion. The religion they were born into and brainwashed into. A story so familiar in some Middle Eastern countries where the only form of education is Madrasah, an Islamic school where children learn to recite the full Quran from cover to cover. The only way to escape is through death.

So who is to blame but humanity? We created the seemingly perfect way to control our fellow man. The greatest psychological weapon and now…

It is backfiring.

Today kicked ass pretty much. My moms dinner was great and Kelley got me a badass new digital camera for my brithday..ill post some pics from it later.

I am writing this entry about another Intervention episode I just saw. It was great. By far my favourite episode this far. My own father is a junkie. It sounds…bad to say but im so far beyond caring about that stigma. Todays episode was about a man named Coley who was a Methamphetamine addict. He was a husband and a father. I can usually deal with the episodes of Intervention pretty decently..but this one, for some reason, really got to me. Even though my father is addicted to a substance that is on the opposite side of the spectrum..I just have this sensitive spot in my heart for fathers who are substance abusers and especially their children because I was one of those kids. Fuck, I still am one of those kids. Even though I havent spoken to my father in two years I still deal with the hurt and the pain that addiction causes a family, a father, and a child.

I was rooting so hard for Coley and his wife and his kids…and I think all that emotion came from the same place inside of m me that roots for my dad all the time, everyday. I was just thinking about it a couple days ago and I came to the conclusion that I think about my dad everyday. Every single day. I probably mention him every day too..to different people.

There was a part of me that was hoping my dad would somehow contact me on my Birthday. Around 9PM last night I started thinking about it…so I checked my e-mail at the only address he ever knew of mine. The only thing there from him was an e-mail id saved from forever ago asking me “where r u” after all that stuff in Arkansas happened. One word, two letters.  I replied and said “Im home, where are you?” I never got a reply.
I told Soda that I bet my dad sent me a card to my moms house because he knows her address.  I havent checked that mail yet..
My mom never checks the mail so she wouldnt know either.
I probably wont check it because I know when I look through the mail…theres not gonna be a card from him.

I just watched a wonderful program on the Discovery Times Channel (well im technically still watching). It is about CIA Mind control and CIA Mind Control experiments involving LSD, shock treatments, hypnotism, and 
repetitive subliminal messagry.
Most people have heard things here and there about an MK Ultra. Some Americans havent. 
Most Americans probably think its hogwash..then again..didnt most Americans vote for Bush? 
I think ive proven my point there.
If you dont know anything about MK Ultra..then check out the Wiki article located here. During this documentary they entertain the idea that it may be possible to completely control the minds of otherwise competant and 
unique individuals.

Also, during this documentary, victims of CIA Mind Control experiments were interviewed. This was probably my favourite part.
I remember years and years ago on the Sally Jesse Raphael show, she invited some guests on that had been victims of some sort of strange US Army experiments involving mind control and some sort of psycho sadistic shit. My memory is sooo fuzzy on this but if ANYONE has any idea what im talking about, and remembers the show..or can find any sort of information on the show..lemme know!!

Anyhow, the main woman that was interviewed on the program I watched said that she first saught help for depression and other mental ailments..things not paid a lot of attention to in the 1950s. Eventually, this led to her being strapped down to a bed for a 5 week period, she was administered liquid LSD everyday and she said that tapes were played, over and over and over with certain specific messages on them. She said she received 19 shock treatments in that 5 week period. This story reminded me of a woman where I used to work. This woman was from Georgia, but had moved to New Orleans when she was young. She was a Hurricane Katrina Evacuee and she was staying at the hotel I worked at, at the time. She also mentioned several times that she was admitted to the “asylum” and had the same things done to her, she never mentioned any LSD but she did mention tapes, and especially shock treatments. I think this is part of American History that we just dont want to think about.

The whole point of this documentary was the debate on whether or not Sirhan Sirhan (RFK assassin) could have been a “Manchurian Candidate” or, a CIA Mind Controlled assassin. They gave evidence that he was, and they gave evidence to the contrary. Something I like so much about the documentaries on Discovery Times is that they allow the watcher to come to their own conclusions.

Now, CIA Mind Control is not so secret. There is hardly a soul who believes that Sirhan Sirhan was some controlled assassin. But why? After all..one of the main goals of MK Ultra was to “promote illogical thinking and impulsiveness to the point where the recipient would be discredited in public.”

Do I think Sirhan was being controlled by the government? I dunno. He sure looked like he was under the influence of LSD in his pictures. But that doesnt mean that the government gave him this LSD.
Do I think that mind control was widely practiced and may still be practiced? Of course. If you dont..then perhaps you are being brainwashed yourself.

Paste this in your blog to spread the word..or even better..make your own. Join me.
Your message will reach thousands and thousands of people, some of whom may be inspired to start their own silent revolution.
If you dont have a youtube account, you can send your videos to me at leslie@findnirvana.net and ill put them on my youtube page….

Think about it. Do not write it off as something silly. Imagine how many hands a single dollar bill passes through each day…imagine how many people would wonder about the words written on that peice of paper, who may agree with them and decide to be another link in our chain..just imagine.

I got this in an e-mail from a friend. I thought id share.

Well, 9 is considered to be a very lucky number here. If a person’s birthdate is 9 or adds up to 9, then that person is considered as fortunate and lucky, enjoying a good degree of protection from God. In fact, people here pay extra money to get vehicle numbers totalling 9. My vehicle number is 6336. My mobile number adds up to 9. My new house number where we will be shifting next year is 603. Ill tell you some interesting things about 9 which will make you realize its significance and how fortunate you are:

1. Nine (known or observed) planets

2. Nine month gestation period in human birth process (from Linda Goodman’s Starsigns, 1987). Note: might this be the process during which the human consciousness becomes fused with, or attuned to, the resonant frequency of “9″?

3. Human mean normal respiration rate is 18 times per minute (ibid.)

4. Human mean normal heartbeat is 72 times a minute (ibid.)

5. Average number of heartbeats per hour is 4,320 (ibid.)

6. Average number of respirations per hour is 1,080 (ibid.)

7. Average number of respirations per 24 hour period is 25,920 (ibid.)

8. 25,920 is also the length of a sidereal year (ibid.)

9. There are 360 degrees in a circle (ibid.)

10. In the Catholic practice of Novenas, prayer services last 9 nights (ibid.)

11. Traditionally, the Romans were known to bury their dead on the 9th day of the death (ibid.)

12. Some cultures measure time in terms of very long cycles. In the Hindu tradition the present cycle of time consists of 432,000 years. This is called the “Kali Yuga”. The great cycle in which the Kali Yuga falls consists of 4,320,000 years (Campbell, The Inner Reaches Of Outer Space, 1986)

13. The Icelandic tradition tells of the great warrior hall in which there were 540 doors. Through each door there would come 800 divine warriors (ibid.). Okay, so 800 doesn’t reduce to 9. But check it out: 800 warriors are coming through each of 540 doors. 800 x 540 = 432,000 warriors!

14. A Greek version of the history of Babalonia says that between the time of the building of the first city, Kish, and the time of the Great Flood (as recounted in the Bible) there elapsed a total of 432,000 years (ibid.)

15. By totaling the life spans of the ten patriarchs from Adam to Noah (which marks the time of the Great Flood), the length of time equals 1,656 years (ibid.)

16. According to the research of Joseph Campbell, the number 9 is traditionally associated with the Goddess Mother Of The World. In India there are a total of 108 names associated with this Goddess (ibid.)

17. In Roman Catholic Europe, the cathedral bells ring 3 + 3 + 3 (morning, noon, evening) and then it rings 9 times to celebrate the virgin birth of the Savior (ibid.)

18. The Catholic rosary consists of beads strung in a pattern of 5 groups of 10 beads, with a single bead in the space between the five groups, for a total of 54 beads.

19. The pyramid on the back of the U.S. one-dollar bill is an old Masonic symbol and is made up of 72 stones, representing the tetragrammaton, the Hebrew 4-letter name for God: YHVH

20. The numerological value of YHVH is 9

21. The numerological value of the word LOVE is 9. One of the words from the Grek-5 list was God-9, making the word-phrase “God-9″ reminiscent of the old axiom, “God is Love”.

22. The ancient unit of measure known as the cubit is generally considered to be about equal to 18 inches. According to the Bible, the cubit dimensions of Noah’s Ark, when converted to inches would be 5,400 in. x 900 in. x 540 in., all multiples of 9.

23. When the cubit dimensions of the Ark Of The Covenant (Exodus 25:10) are converted to inches the measurements are 45 in. x 27 in. x 27 in., all multiples of 9.

24. The biblical book of Revelations (chapt. 21) speaks of a great “city” to come to earth from out of the sky. It is called the New Jerusalem. The city is described as a cube, exactly 12,000 furlongs in all directions. No, 12,000 doesn’t reduce to 9. However, converted to the english foot, this equals 7,920,000 feet, which does reduce to 9.

25. The word ENLIGHTENMENT is the only word in the English language in which the letters E-I-G-H-T-E-E-N appear in that order (Lyons, The Language Crystal,1988)

26. It has often been said the game of baseball is a metaphor for life. The game does have several connections to the number 9. There are 9 players on a team. The bases are 90 feet apart. There are 9 innings to a regular game. There are probably more, but I kind of like this rather obscure one: The Knickerbocker Baseball Club drafted the rules extablishing the 9-player team in 1845. 1+8+4+5=18 (1+8=9 )!

27. A man named Carl Munck has developed a geomathematical grid (latitude and longitude) system where the prime meridian runs through the center of the Great Pyramid at Giza. This grid system links all of the known ancient stone monuments on earth with the anomalous, possibly artificial structures in the cydonia region of Mars. Munck’s formula identifies the “grid point value” for the Great Sphinx as 5400. (Information regarding Carl Munck’s geo-mathematical grid formula can be accessed on the internet at http://www.greatdreams.com/gem1.htm. This is the web site of a small group of researchers known as The Code Gang, of which I am a member.

28. According to Michael Lawrence Morton, one of the Code Gang, the known arc distance on Earth from Pole to equator is exactly 5400 nautical miles.

29. Also from M. L. Morton, the polar circumference of Earth is 21,600 nautical miles. He notes also that according to Munck’s earth grid formula, 21,600 is the precise Grid Latitude of Stonehenge.

30. And again from M.L.M., 7920 is the number of statute miles of the mean diameter of Earth.

31. The number 144 is the Gematrian equivalent for “light”.

32. Revelation 13:18, Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and the number is Six hundred threescore and six (666). However, according to Lawrence William Lyons, the word for “a man” in the original Greek is anthropos, also used to mean “mankind”. And no article “a” appears in the Greek text. Further, the word for “his” in “his number is” can be read as “its” implying no gender. So the Bible may say that 666 is the number of “humanity” or “mankind” (Lyons, The Language Crystal).

33. In order to become a Zen Master, one must solve 54 koans, or puzzles which require deep insight and enlightenment (Ibid.).

34. Many Buddhists and Hindus wear sets of 108 beads (Ibid.).

35. The mystic American Indian, Black Elk, in Black Elk Speaks, said he had “The Great Vision” at 9 and “was no good for anything till 18″ (Ibid.).

36. Lyons also reports that, according to the World Book Encyclopedia, the average speed of the Earth in its orbit around the sun is 666 miles per hour (Ibid.).

37. In Einstein’s formula we see E=M(C^2). That’s Mass (M) multiplied by the Speed Of Light squared (C^2). Is it just coincidence that if we replace the M and C with their reduced numerological equivalents, respectively 4 (M) and 3 (C), and perform the mathematical function we get 36, which also reduces to 9? Or, here’s something interesting: If we alter that equation to read E=MC squared, we get E=144, which reduces to 9 and is the traditional Gematrian equivalent for “light”. Synchronistically, the english alphanumerological value of the phrase SPEED OF LIGHT is 126 which also reduces to 9.

John Lennon believed that the number 9 affected everything in his life. He and son Sean shared a birthday of 9 October. Future manager Brian Epstein first attended a Beatles concert at the Cavern in Liverpool on 9 November 1961 and clinched a record deal with Emi on 9 May 1962 . the group’s first record, “Love Me Do” was on Parlophone 4949. Lennon met Yoko Ono on 9 November 1966 and thought that it significant that their New York apartment was on West 72 nd street and their Dakota home was no.72 (7+2 = 9). Similarly, he placed great store by the fact that, as a student, he had taken the no.72 bus from his home to Liverpool Art College . The fixation sometimes manifested itself in his songs which included such titles as “Number 9 Dream”, Revolution 9″ and “One After 909″, written at his mother’s house – 9 Newcastle Road , Wavertree. Lennon was shot dead by Mark Chapman late on the evening of 8 December 1980 in New York but the five-hour time difference meant that it was 9 December in Liverpool . His body was taken to the Roosevelt Hospital on Ninth Avenue .