Once in a while when I come and sign into my wordpress (blog) account to see if I have anymore comments, or to write a new entry, I am greeted by a comment that someone I have never seen before, or even someone anonymous, has left me commenting on my “Opiate Addiction” entry.

I love signing on to see those comments. They really do make a difference in my life. It helps a lot to know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing I am, or who have gone through the same thing that I am going through. It truly does make a difference in my day, and helps to ground me as a person, and as an addict.

I wish that I could say I do not feel the temptation to use heroin at all anymore, but I do. However, that is part of the process and a lesson in how to resist temptations that are harmful. They are not only harmful to me, but HURTFUL to those around me.

There are not a whole lot of people who have the courage to come out about their addictions publicly in a blog for the world to see. Or..maybe there are and I have not found them yet. I would love to read some though…

Anyhow..I just wanted to say THANK YOU to anyone who has ever commented me telling me about their addictions and what they have gone through to get clean, or remain clean. It means a lot to me and I appreciate them! ^_^

I havent written in a while. Its because I got a new cable box (DVR box) and ive been watching TV non stop. Lol. My computer is in my bedroom, and the TV with the digital cable is in the living room. So, Soda and I have been in the living room watching movies and stuff, which has been pretty good.

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.