Alright. Quick background info real quick.

My dad was married once before he married my mother. That marriage resulted in a daughter, Kate, who is 28 years old. When I was about 7 or so, maybe younger, Kates mother dropped Kate off on our doorstep..literally, and expected my father to take care of her after years and years of her mother not even letting my father speak to her. I guess her mother had gotten sick of her or some shit, I dont know.

Well, needless to say her living with us didnt last long. She went back to her moms within a few months and I didnt speak to her again until I was like 14 years old. She briefly came around to visit me and my father and then as quick as she came..she left once again.

So…about two months ago or something like that..I dunno, two or three months ago..I found her on Myspace and I added her as my friend. We sent a few messages back and forth and then she stopped messaging me and I didnt send her any messages. At the time I was doing heroin everyday and frankly, heroin was a lot more important than trying to keep in touch with her. That is my fault. I should have kept in better touch.

HOWEVER…today, I sign onto Myspace and shes sent me the following message:
“Question….how come you would find me, add me, and then disappear?”

I just told her that I had been dealing with a lot and I apologize if she thinks I have disappeared but I was in the same place all along and could have easily been reached the same way she had just reached me.
But, I WANTED to say:
Look, bitch, you are one to talk about disappearing when you fucking “disappeared” two times in my life. We talked on myspace and if you really gave two fucking shits you could have sent me more than the two messages you initially sent me. Theres no way I could have “disappeared” when we were only talking on MYSPACE and you could send me messages any fucking time you wanted to and I would have gladly replied. Sure, I dont get on myspace as much as I used to..but I would get the god damn messages and I would reply. Not to mention..hmm, lets see…
I am a heroin addict and I got busted a month ago in an undercover sting operation so I am currently dealing with the legal repercussions from that all while trying to get treatment for my heroin addiction and not go back to using illegally.

But thats none of her god damn business.
FUCK her.

For those of you who dont know…
I was busted in perhaps “the biggest heroin sting in Nashville history” on Tuesday. Yeah, you cant even begin to fathom how much that fuckin sucks. Anyway..im not SUPERBLY worried about it because there were no drugs of any kind found on our persons, in our belongings, or in our car. However, they did find Marijuana Paraphanalia. Marijuana. I could go on some long fucking rant about how much the cops suck…but I think even non criminals know how much police suck. Now, with that said….

Dont tell me you told me so because I didnt get caught with SHIT. No drugs on me, my person, in my belongings or my car..nada, zip, zero, nothing. Leslie..gone be…aight. Check my FLICKR for my mugshot yall.

Sodas mom is NOT invited to our wedding.  Shes a wench. I think thats probably a pretty accurate term to describe her. I dont think that I have ever PERSONALLY known a “mother” who has been so uncaring, unsympathetic and nonsupporting of their child as her. I dont know. Its a big long mess that im really, really not going into right now. I have never met her, and Soda has made sure of that for three years and for a while..it offended me. I wanted to meet her and I wanted her to be a part of our lives, but after tonight..I completely understand why he has kept us apart and there isnt a bone in my body that wants to meet this woman.

She basically throws his and I’s relationship into the dirt every chance she can get, even though she doesnt know me..and hasnt ever met me, just because she has some sick reverse Oedipus complex and shes never been able to maintain a meaningful relationship and it just eats her up and her son has something she could never have and that there is another woman taking care of her son (AND DAMN GOOD FUCKING CARE YOU GOD DAMNED BITCH). Well, I hate to break it to the cunt but…she never took care of her son. Soda says that the problem lies in the fact that he isnt growing up to “be someone” or “be what she thought he would be” or “be successful” well, ive got one big question for her..what the fuck have you done in your life? Youve never even worked a decent job long enough to halfway take care of him and his WHOLE life..hes NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING. NOTHING.  Hes loved you, and tried to have a relationship with you for years and all you do is belittle him. Ive got news for you, when you have a child, that child is his or her own unique person. They are not an extension of you, as you seem to believe. This has led the man I love to be very sad, and very insecure with himself because the mom he had around him his whole life never gave two shits about him and acted as if she just detested him and still does.

He has made the decision to cut ties with you for the moment for this very reason. You do not make him happy. Everytime he calls you, or visits you..he comes back distraught, sad, emotional and sometimes in tears. You are a negative force in his life and tonight you finally made this very clear to him.

It really breaks my heart. My own mother loves Soda, and does so much for him. He will tell you in a heartbeat that my mother has done more for him in the three years weve been together than his mom in his whole life and that he KNOWS without a doubt that MY mother loves him, but hes not so sure if his loves him.

So, to my boyfriends mother..
Remember that every time you say he has no idea what love is. And, that we are just stupid idiots..remember that you are recalling your own failed relationship. Remember that your feelings are said in jealousy out of the fact that youve never been able to make anything work in your life. That everything you have touched has turned to shit. Remember, that you had one chance to be EVERYTHING to a little boy who needed you more than anyone in your life will ever need you and you continuously, effectively disappointed him and let him down. He says he cant remember the last time you have said an encouraging word to him. You are sad, and bitter at the shell of a woman you have become and I have to say that I derive pleasure from knowing you sit alone in your home every night and that you go to bed alone every night, and that this is the way its going to be for the rest of your life.

So, in short my dear loves mother..

FUCK YOU.

Im so frustrated right now. I am really fed up with hearing about this bullshit so im going to take a tip from Tori Spellings mom and write a FUCKING OPEN LETTER.

Dan,
Regarding this god damned amp. Listen and listen fucking close.
Damn near three years ago when Soda and I got together WE helped Ryan move out of Knollwood. I was there. Yup. I was there. So was that amp. You were gone long before that and my main question is..if that amp was so fucking important..why the hell didnt you come back and get it? It was sitting in that apartment without you long enough for the lease to run out with just Ryan there. It doesnt matter if you paid the rent every month, that is a moot, sad, pathetic fucking point. When we helped him move out of Knollwood WE (read, SODA AND I) helped him move into Rock Harbor. That amp was also at Rock Harbor for a good MONTH before Ryan handed it over to Soda. So, one again, my question is…why the FUCK didnt you contact Ryan about this stupid amp? You had weeks, months to do this and yet you didnt. Isnt there a legal statute of limitations on this sort of thing? Im pretty sure there is. That amp was with Ryan long enough for him to think it was his so he handed it over to Soda as payment for Soda helping him move twice. I was there BOTH times. All this happened over the course of me and Sodas relationship. Not long after that Soda brought the amp over to your place multiple times for “band practice” that you didnt give a shit about being a part of (I cant blame you because I didnt give a shit either) and you never said anything about having ownership of that amp but in NO TIME you had it in pieces around your house.  There isnt one time I recall you ever saying that the amp was YOURS. I remember you asking Soda how he got it..but thats far, far, FAR from explaining to him that the amp was your at the very beginning. Which would have saved me from wasting my god damn time writing this.

So, fast forward however long. Ive noticed for a good while that you dont give two shits about hanging around Soda. Im not sure why, but he was totally oblivious to it..but..im not quite as naive or maybe he just didnt WANT to notice. I didnt even bring it up to him because I know it would hurt his feelings.
A couple weeks ago..well..more like a month or so ago..he and I both came over to your house to get his bass cab that he let you borrow. He said hed come back tomorrow for the amp..and you didnt object. You waited until AFTER he left to CALL him ON THE PHONE and say “Oh, ho hum..how did that amp ever get to be yours anyway?” WHY DIDNT YOU ASK THIS ONE FUCKING YEAR AGO WHEN WE BROUGHT THE AMP OVER YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Very, very pussified way out if you ask me.

So..I did the wrong thing and assumed that you would get in touch with every mutual friend you and Soda have and draw a figurative line between you and Soda and say…”Either youre with me, or youre not.” And im    VERY fucking pissed to say that my assumptions were absolutely correct. In the past year and my very minute contact with you I have watched you go from being one of my favourite people for Soda to be around and a very positive influence, to being everything that I thought you never wanted to be. Someone who completely sold out to the “scene” and suddenly became too good for everyone but the minors who followed you to your shows and hailed your existence as if there was something to hail in the first place. Or maybe youre insanely bitter that the only band that ever promised to get anywhere no longer exists? I dont know. It was definitely after the break up of Moral Decay that I noticed this change. So im sure thats got something to do with it. But thats not anyone arounds you fault, especially not Sodas.

Im not even sure you realize that you are the way you are right now. You put up so much of a front because youve dealt with so much in life. You are the cocky smartass. The guy who ALWAYS gets one over on someone else. Youve got the best come backs and youve always got the perfect witty comeback or remark to make at someone elses expense, and its funny..you play that role perfectly but I think it hides a lot. Youve got a tough exterior but I think it stops at the exterior. And, thats where it really starts to make me less pissed off and more sad because I think youre a lot more than this.

I know that you think youve won, that youve come out on top.

Ive told Soda to let you keep the amp because if that amp really meant that you were willing to put up this much of a fight…then that pretty much sums up everything that I need to say and it really explains a lot about the person you have become, and maybe youre not willing to admit that this is who youve become..but we will see.

Keep in mind Sodas not got shit to do with this. Its all me. Im the bad guy.

When I listen to Kill Em All, by Metallica…

It makes me feel like I have God like Metal Powers and I want to go around town picking up random Americans gas guzzling SUVs and start throwing them into the windows of department stores. All while headbanging and drinking a huge bottle of vodka.

Ok..I have a real rant to go on here. I have written about this person before in my blog, but not this one..I wrote about this person in my LJ and I think it was close to one of the last entries I wrote there before I moved..so If you want a little background information on this entry check out this entry in my livejournal.

So..this guys been acting super shady lately, even more shady than normal, if you could possibly imagine that. He is now accusing his girlfriend of SMOKING CRACK. Ok, this girl is like..five or six months pregnant I dont know and dude..shes just NOT smoking crack. Theres no way shes smoking crack. Thats something that you cant really hide especially if your boyfriend sells it. Shed either be begging him for it, or just straight up stealing it from him, you know?

So..last night this guy was supposed to be getting some weed for us and instead of being thorough and calling and telling us he couldnt do it, he just didnt answer our calls (which is not likely for him, at all) so my boyfriend called a mutual friend of theirs named Brandon to see if Brandon had talked to JC (the boyfriend). Brandon says that hes probably not going to be hanging around JC anymore because last night him and a couple friends were staying in a hotel room with JC and his girlfriend (theyve been living out of hotel rooms lately) and there were a group of people that were in the hotel room in the bathroom smoking crack (!!!!!) and when they came out, JCs girlfriend went in because she had been waiting to use the bathroom. She was in there for maybe, 50 seconds and then came out and laid in the bed under the covers to go to sleep and JC stars accusing her of smelling like crack (even though shed just used the restroom in a bathroom where all of his stupid fucking friends were smoking crack). He was implying that shed went in there and smoked, what the fuck? Anyways..
About 15 minutes later after JCs girlfriend was asleep, Brandon said JC started accusing everyone of giving crack to his girlfriend and no one had given her or sold her anything. THEN, Brandon said that JC went over to his pregnant girlfriend and dragged her out of the bed and started to beat on her.  Everyday its something new with them and everyday it gets worse and worse. Why she is choosing to remain in this relationship and possibly subject her child to this bullshit.

The other day they came over here to hang out and smoke a little bit and her eye was kinda black but I didnt even think twice about it and I heard them on the couch talking and he said something about her calling the police on him and she was like ” if I was gonna call the police on you then I woulda done it the first time this happened.”

I dont know whats gotten into him. While I dont believe its his girlfriends fault, at all, you have to wonder why the hell she is allowing him to treat her like this? She has a job and she allows him to take all of her money and when he is nice enough to actually let her keep her check, she says she keeps receipts for everything that she buys just so he wont accuse her of buying drugs with her money.

Someone needs to sit down and have a serious talk with him about this. Next time I am alone with her im going to try and talk to her about some shit. I mean, my boyfriend and I used to have some physical problems, nothing like what she seems to be experiencing but we would fight EACH OTHER, I would hit him, etc so its not like he was hitting on me or beating on me..but maybe if I let her know that we used to have some physical problems she will feel like she can talk to me about this and maybe I could talk her into calling the cops on him. I completely think the cops should be called on this guy because he is jeopardising the safety of his unborn child as well as battering on a woman. Its really a sad situation and if she would just call the cops on him he would know that shes not fucking around and shes not going to be disrespected like that without him enduring the consequences.

Someone needs to talk to him and let him know that the first time he ever hit her was the first time she began to think about ways she could bring him down and everytime he hits her its just pushing her closer to convincing herself that some sort of action needs to be taken but the longer she waits, the more danger she is putting herself into.
Without her, he would be nothing. Without her he would have no partner in life, he would have no true human being that he could trust.

Anyways..this entry was long as shit..but I had to write about it.