I havent written in a while. Its because I got a new cable box (DVR box) and ive been watching TV non stop. Lol. My computer is in my bedroom, and the TV with the digital cable is in the living room. So, Soda and I have been in the living room watching movies and stuff, which has been pretty good.

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.

I found this a few days ago written on a piece of paper in a book of my ex-fiances, Sodas.

Anchor me.

Seven days have passed. I said I wouldnt call you.
Id do it on my own. But its very late at night.
This bed seems so empty so I picked up the phone.
Im so busy making plans.
But, I still need you to hold my hand.

Hold my hand and walk with me.
Help me find my own dreams.
My ship may sail its stormy seas
But, I still need you to be my anchor.
Anchor Me.

Am I asking too much?
Will you be there when I need you and long for you?Im not sure where we will be when its said and done…
But behind the darkest cloud…is still the sun.

I guess some of you guys are wondering what I did yesterday for Valentines Day.

I will keep this short and sweet. He took me on a carriage ride around downtown Nashville, which was really, really fucking cold, sweet, and a bit too expensive so I probably wont ever do it again.

Then I bought a lil pack of cute Valentines Day cards like you would buy for classmates in school and I just filled them out without my name and put them inside the doors of some old women who I know live alone around my neighborhood. Even my evil Christian neighbor. I left her one too.

Then we came back here and I cooked dinner for him and two of his single friends. It was originally supposed me, Soda and our close friend, Snake. But, one of Soda and Snakes friends got kicked out of his moms house and was basically running round mooching off of Snake and followed him here so I had to feed his dumbass too.

But, I had a great Vday ^_^  What did everyone else do?

Tonight, I was talking to a friend of mine who has been having some struggles with depression lately. Now, most of you who know me are probably saying “uh oh!” hahaha. I suffered with depression every minute of my teenage life. I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which turned into Panic Disorder just a little less than a year ago) at a very young age. This was something that, in time, I learned to celebrate. I know, that sounds weird, right? Well…it is a part of who I am and everything that has made me who I am is worth celebrating. Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too because those things taught me some extremely important lessons.
I know how hard depression can be. Chemical or situational..its very rough. I have grown much bigger than my Bipolar Disorder. This in no way means that I do not feel depressed anymore, or that I do not ever feel manic anymore. It just means that I have learned to identify my symptoms and work through them. Not everyone is this lucky.

Now, with all of that said..I do not EVER party with the pity partyers. I do not sugar coat things for them, I do not give in to their pity partying. I dont party with ‘em. I am not going to oblige them. Theres no reason to. That isnt help. They dont need someone to say “ohhh oh my gosh, I am like, sooo sorry, you poor baby.” That shit doesnt help. It makes them worse, it makes them wanna cry some more. They need a fat hit of reality, even if it sounds completely rude. It doesnt mean I dont care, it doesnt mean they cant cry on my shoulder. It just means im NOT GONNA LIE. Reality doesnt lie.

So, onto the point of my story. I was conversing with a friend of mine who has had some problems with depression recently. I think that he is also dealing with quite a bit of self pity. I was just suggesting things that could possibly make him feel better and it hit me..MASSAGE! Its called massage THERAPY for a reason. I told him “You need to go get a massage! It will make you feel soooooo much better. The power of human touch is A-MAZING!”
His response was:

heh thers only one person ill let touch me and that a significate other lmao (sic)

My response to this was “Wow. Thats really fucking stupid. No offense.” Lmfao. Dont you love it when someone says something completely offensive and then says “no offense” at the end? I am guilty as charged on that one, over, and over, and over again. Yeah, anyway…I said “Dont ever underestimate the power of human touch. Its extremely powerful. Immensely powerful. There is NO need to sexualize human contact. Human contact is essential to our mental and physical health.”
So he said”

lol i guess you can see it that way but growing up without affection, if a female puts her hand on me my heart will flutter and if a guy does he must want to get hit (sic)

My response was “Guess what? Thats part of being human.” He told me that touch is a very personal thing to him. Well, touch is a personal thing to everyone, as it should be, because it is very powerful, however, just because something is personal or even sacred…that doesnt mean that it should be reserved and hidden. Not to mention that one would think that if someone is depressed and has stated verbally that they hate the way they feel and they want to feel differently…they would be willing to try just about anything. I supplied him with a few links about the power of human touch.

He says:

well ill just keep having logic failures and wait to be touched untill i find someon (sic)
well i grew up without a father, my mom maybe hugged me twice, and my bother and sister were much younger than me, and we moved all the time. what does this have to do with anything. maybe having touch from anyone other than who i want it from feels rather alien like a guinnee pig running up your pants(sic)

Now, here is where I will discontinue the conversation between my friend and I and get into my rant. There is no reason why being touched by someone should feel alien. Now, I realize that there could be trauma in many peoples lives that changes the way they feel about being touched and this is not what im talking about. That is a whole different situation that you wont find me discussing here.
In our “advanced” Western society, it feels alien to us to be touched by another human being that is not someone we are fucking. This simply is not the way things should be. We have forgotten about one another. We have forgotten how important it is to just hug each other once in a while. In a society that is so technologically advanced, we have abandoned ourselves spiritually. We have been left to fend for ourselves alone in this world, without the aid of our brothers and sisters because we have sexualized the human body and human touch so much that it has become taboo to embrace someone when they desperately need it. If two men hug, they are “gay” (as if being gay is some horribly negative thing). If two women hug, all the sudden they are lesbians who were only put upon this Earth as sexual objects of perverted 40+ year old mens desire. Its absolutely devastating that we have been so thoroughly brainwashed into abandoning each other. There are societies that have existed upon this earth for centuries that have entire medicinal arts based solely upon touch and the energy that is passed between two humans when they touch. There are martial arts based completely on the energy that flows throughout everything in our universe, including our own bodies.

The benefits of human touch are not only hailed in “alternative” Eastern medicinal practices, but in our own Western medicine as well.

I hate that our society has put such sexualized stigmas and taboos on touching each other. The positive energy passed between two human beings when they exchange touch is so powerful, it is love and I think that it is painfully obvious that our world needs as much love as possible right now. Hug someone today. Hug someone that you normally would not hug, I can PROMISE you that it will not only make your day, but it will make theirs too!

If you guys would like to learn more about how essential touch is, check out the following links:
Pleasure/Power
WebMB Power of human touch.
Reiki using human touch

^_^

Well, I havent been writing much because Kelley gave me one of my Christmas gifts early and it was The Sims 2 Deluxe Edition! Im pretty much addicted to this game and I spend hours downloading stuff for it and even more hours playing it. Right now im thinking about starting my own neighborhood with all of my custom chars in it. That will be cool.

Anyway, Soda leaves tomorrow. At about 6AM to go to his grandmothers house. I dont know how I feel about it. Generally I am pretty cool with it and I enjoy my alone time but I feel sad this year for some reason. Like, I dont know what im gonna do without him. I have to get things on my own, work on my own, be alone all day everyday. I dont know if ill be able to handle it..so..im trying to find some Xanax lmao. I want a whole bunch. Ill probably take one every single day while hes gone just to pacify myself and keep away the anxiety that I get when he isnt around. I do get separation anxiety when I am away from him. Not anything that is connected to attachment issues but I feel like hes been my security blanket now for so long and I feel at ease and comfortable as long as hes around and when hes gone its like..I dont know what to do with myself. Im used to having someone around to talk to, etc. I dunno. Hard to explain. I can just imagine when 7AM rolls around and I realize hes gone for a while. The sinking feeling in my stomach and the dread. I will be ok though. Ill pick up blogging again and that will make me feel better.

A while ago Soda and I were browsing a really awesome website that I found that has tons of gadgets, toys and just basically, tons of a kick ass shit. So, yeah, anyway…we were browsing through the list of all the kick ass shit and he saw something he wanted me to click it and check it out. So I did. He was soooo excited about this particular item  and he couldnt stop talking about how cool it was, going through all of its features and his eyes were just sparkling with excitement. This item is a little bit on the expensive side though. So, I know for a fact that he wasnt putting on some show with the idea that because he looked so interested, I would buy it for him. This thing is totally out of our price range. I mean TOTALLY.

The look on his face and the excitement that he had while looking at this thing and talking about it and telling me what he would do if he had it…it just made me feel like I HAVE to get this item for him for Christmas. I want to be responsible for all that excitement that happens when he opens up his gift and sees what it is. I want that SO bad. That would be the perfect gift for ME. To be responsible for him feeling that way.

So..I saved up and it is looking like I might be able to get him this item. I really hope so. And that my friends..is what love does to you, lmfao.

Its also relatively safe to write about this. He hasnt been getting on the computer at all lately but I still dont want to write exactly WHAT it is.

I rarely ever write about the mechanics and the dynamics that make up my relationship with Soda.  At the beginning of our relationship…it sucked. It was horrible. I have no idea how either of us  made it through…but now…things are so different. Things change. I believe we effectively went from being he and I…to us, and thats what changed things. At some point during the relationship two people realize where this is going, I think. I dont think this has to be a spoken or communicated realization. It certainly doesnt have to be for most people. But, you begin to realize that you two are no longer total separate entities but that you, along with being separate entities, are also “one.” I think that is when the dynamic of our relationship changed. When we realized that we became “one.” We started to seriously argue less and less until every argument we had we were able to smile throughout the whole thing and you could tell that there were no negative feelings, even though we were having an argument. Thats still how it is today. Its not like we dont argue. We do. We get on each other nerves a lot too. Its just that those arguments, they dont change us so they are largely insignificant and we are able to move past them in a matter of an hour or so…sometimes less. Its very remarkable how things have changed.

I never would have pictured myself in a relationship like this. Where I was living with a man who worships the ground I walk on. Where we both loved each other equally and hated spending time apart from each other. I never pictured myself having a lover who I was absolute best friends with.  I guess I just thought it wouldnt happen, or that it would happen to everyone else before it happened to me. I didnt think I would find someone who would put up with me, or that I would find someone who I would put up with. Its sort of weird how things came to be with he and I. I like it.

So, anyway…
The other morning I woke up to a little box and a note from him.  He saved up some money and went out to buy me a very pretty wedding ring set. Engagement ring, and wedding band. I dont think he knew that it was a “wedding set” lmao. I mean, I know that he bought this for me as an engagement ring, but I dont think he had any idea that the other ring along with it was the wedding band. Well, needless to say..its very very pretty. I put pictures of it up on my Flickr for everyone to check out.

Its strange for me to say that I am engaged. To be married. Im going to end up getting married. Thats so weird. But…there isnt anyone else out there for me. Everyone who knows me and Soda know without a doubt that he and I are so meant for each other its fucking creepy.

Something I enjoy about him is that…he hasnt changed me. I mean, I am sure that I have changed since ive been with him. When you meet people that mean a lot to you, they generally have some sort of influence over your life. But, he hasnt changed me in a sense that our beliefs dont clash. He knows my beliefs, respects them and in most cases agrees with them. I dont have to be demure or embarrassed, reserved or held back. I can just be me. All of me. The farting, shitting, burping, tampon throwing, disgusting, way left of center, off the wall me. And he loves it all. ^_^

Its really great.

So, today is Thanksgiving so I thought I would write an entry about what I am Thankful for this year.

I have a lot of things to be Thankful for this year.
My aunt is doing well. For a while there I was very afraid that I could lose her and that another person in my very small family would pass away, breaking a very tight tie that binds us all. But, she was stronger than we all thought she would be and she fought her disease with positivity and laughter. She surprised us all, I think. I am proud of her and my uncle, and their son, my cousin. For being strong enough to deal with everything the way they have. I love you guys and I am very thankful for you.

My mom. What can I say? She is my rock. My shelter. My best friend. I am thankful that not only is she my very best friend, but I am lucky enough to have her as a mother as well. She has made so many sacrifices in her life for me. She raised me the way a good mother is supposed to raise a little girl and throughout all my life it was just us. Me and my mama, ive never needed anything else. And, I still dont need anything else. I love my mother more than anything in this whole wide world, she is my life and without her…I would be nothing.

Kelley. My best friend and cousin. I am thankful that she has turned out to be the strongest woman I know, next to my mother.  Throughout all the trials and tribulations in her life she always comes out of them with a new lesson, and a new strength. She is a survivor and I am very proud of the strong woman she has become.

Soda. We have come so far in the past two years. The way we have changed and molded to each others needs makes me so happy inside. We went from something very very bad, to something very beautiful. You love me, you respect me, I love you and I respect you. We live our lives together. Every dream I have, you are there with me. Every fantasy, you are there with me. You are my BEST friend, my lover, my partner…youre my everything! I am thankful for you…and I love you.

Sodas mom is NOT invited to our wedding.  Shes a wench. I think thats probably a pretty accurate term to describe her. I dont think that I have ever PERSONALLY known a “mother” who has been so uncaring, unsympathetic and nonsupporting of their child as her. I dont know. Its a big long mess that im really, really not going into right now. I have never met her, and Soda has made sure of that for three years and for a while..it offended me. I wanted to meet her and I wanted her to be a part of our lives, but after tonight..I completely understand why he has kept us apart and there isnt a bone in my body that wants to meet this woman.

She basically throws his and I’s relationship into the dirt every chance she can get, even though she doesnt know me..and hasnt ever met me, just because she has some sick reverse Oedipus complex and shes never been able to maintain a meaningful relationship and it just eats her up and her son has something she could never have and that there is another woman taking care of her son (AND DAMN GOOD FUCKING CARE YOU GOD DAMNED BITCH). Well, I hate to break it to the cunt but…she never took care of her son. Soda says that the problem lies in the fact that he isnt growing up to “be someone” or “be what she thought he would be” or “be successful” well, ive got one big question for her..what the fuck have you done in your life? Youve never even worked a decent job long enough to halfway take care of him and his WHOLE life..hes NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING. NOTHING.  Hes loved you, and tried to have a relationship with you for years and all you do is belittle him. Ive got news for you, when you have a child, that child is his or her own unique person. They are not an extension of you, as you seem to believe. This has led the man I love to be very sad, and very insecure with himself because the mom he had around him his whole life never gave two shits about him and acted as if she just detested him and still does.

He has made the decision to cut ties with you for the moment for this very reason. You do not make him happy. Everytime he calls you, or visits you..he comes back distraught, sad, emotional and sometimes in tears. You are a negative force in his life and tonight you finally made this very clear to him.

It really breaks my heart. My own mother loves Soda, and does so much for him. He will tell you in a heartbeat that my mother has done more for him in the three years weve been together than his mom in his whole life and that he KNOWS without a doubt that MY mother loves him, but hes not so sure if his loves him.

So, to my boyfriends mother..
Remember that every time you say he has no idea what love is. And, that we are just stupid idiots..remember that you are recalling your own failed relationship. Remember that your feelings are said in jealousy out of the fact that youve never been able to make anything work in your life. That everything you have touched has turned to shit. Remember, that you had one chance to be EVERYTHING to a little boy who needed you more than anyone in your life will ever need you and you continuously, effectively disappointed him and let him down. He says he cant remember the last time you have said an encouraging word to him. You are sad, and bitter at the shell of a woman you have become and I have to say that I derive pleasure from knowing you sit alone in your home every night and that you go to bed alone every night, and that this is the way its going to be for the rest of your life.

So, in short my dear loves mother..

FUCK YOU.

Yeah. Shes a stupid fucking idiot.

She never fails to disappoint him it seems like. Especially on days like today. His birthday. He asked his mom for two simple little things, two things that didnt even total over $20 dollars. He asked her for a flash drive, and a set of acoustic guitar strings.

She bought him a lame ass paint set. Watercolors and a plastic fucking brush.  He dont even paint.

This reminds me of the time she bought him a camera case for his birthday..when he doesnt even have a camera. The same day she bought him one, I went to Wal-Mart and saw the very same ones she got him were on sale for 88cents. Isnt that fuckin sad?