I havent written in a while. Its because I got a new cable box (DVR box) and ive been watching TV non stop. Lol. My computer is in my bedroom, and the TV with the digital cable is in the living room. So, Soda and I have been in the living room watching movies and stuff, which has been pretty good.

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.

I guess some of you guys are wondering what I did yesterday for Valentines Day.

I will keep this short and sweet. He took me on a carriage ride around downtown Nashville, which was really, really fucking cold, sweet, and a bit too expensive so I probably wont ever do it again.

Then I bought a lil pack of cute Valentines Day cards like you would buy for classmates in school and I just filled them out without my name and put them inside the doors of some old women who I know live alone around my neighborhood. Even my evil Christian neighbor. I left her one too.

Then we came back here and I cooked dinner for him and two of his single friends. It was originally supposed me, Soda and our close friend, Snake. But, one of Soda and Snakes friends got kicked out of his moms house and was basically running round mooching off of Snake and followed him here so I had to feed his dumbass too.

But, I had a great Vday ^_^  What did everyone else do?

Tonight, I was talking to a friend of mine who has been having some struggles with depression lately. Now, most of you who know me are probably saying “uh oh!” hahaha. I suffered with depression every minute of my teenage life. I was diagnosed as Bipolar Disorder/Manic Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (which turned into Panic Disorder just a little less than a year ago) at a very young age. This was something that, in time, I learned to celebrate. I know, that sounds weird, right? Well…it is a part of who I am and everything that has made me who I am is worth celebrating. Not just the good stuff, but the bad stuff too because those things taught me some extremely important lessons.
I know how hard depression can be. Chemical or situational..its very rough. I have grown much bigger than my Bipolar Disorder. This in no way means that I do not feel depressed anymore, or that I do not ever feel manic anymore. It just means that I have learned to identify my symptoms and work through them. Not everyone is this lucky.

Now, with all of that said..I do not EVER party with the pity partyers. I do not sugar coat things for them, I do not give in to their pity partying. I dont party with ‘em. I am not going to oblige them. Theres no reason to. That isnt help. They dont need someone to say “ohhh oh my gosh, I am like, sooo sorry, you poor baby.” That shit doesnt help. It makes them worse, it makes them wanna cry some more. They need a fat hit of reality, even if it sounds completely rude. It doesnt mean I dont care, it doesnt mean they cant cry on my shoulder. It just means im NOT GONNA LIE. Reality doesnt lie.

So, onto the point of my story. I was conversing with a friend of mine who has had some problems with depression recently. I think that he is also dealing with quite a bit of self pity. I was just suggesting things that could possibly make him feel better and it hit me..MASSAGE! Its called massage THERAPY for a reason. I told him “You need to go get a massage! It will make you feel soooooo much better. The power of human touch is A-MAZING!”
His response was:

heh thers only one person ill let touch me and that a significate other lmao (sic)

My response to this was “Wow. Thats really fucking stupid. No offense.” Lmfao. Dont you love it when someone says something completely offensive and then says “no offense” at the end? I am guilty as charged on that one, over, and over, and over again. Yeah, anyway…I said “Dont ever underestimate the power of human touch. Its extremely powerful. Immensely powerful. There is NO need to sexualize human contact. Human contact is essential to our mental and physical health.”
So he said”

lol i guess you can see it that way but growing up without affection, if a female puts her hand on me my heart will flutter and if a guy does he must want to get hit (sic)

My response was “Guess what? Thats part of being human.” He told me that touch is a very personal thing to him. Well, touch is a personal thing to everyone, as it should be, because it is very powerful, however, just because something is personal or even sacred…that doesnt mean that it should be reserved and hidden. Not to mention that one would think that if someone is depressed and has stated verbally that they hate the way they feel and they want to feel differently…they would be willing to try just about anything. I supplied him with a few links about the power of human touch.

He says:

well ill just keep having logic failures and wait to be touched untill i find someon (sic)
well i grew up without a father, my mom maybe hugged me twice, and my bother and sister were much younger than me, and we moved all the time. what does this have to do with anything. maybe having touch from anyone other than who i want it from feels rather alien like a guinnee pig running up your pants(sic)

Now, here is where I will discontinue the conversation between my friend and I and get into my rant. There is no reason why being touched by someone should feel alien. Now, I realize that there could be trauma in many peoples lives that changes the way they feel about being touched and this is not what im talking about. That is a whole different situation that you wont find me discussing here.
In our “advanced” Western society, it feels alien to us to be touched by another human being that is not someone we are fucking. This simply is not the way things should be. We have forgotten about one another. We have forgotten how important it is to just hug each other once in a while. In a society that is so technologically advanced, we have abandoned ourselves spiritually. We have been left to fend for ourselves alone in this world, without the aid of our brothers and sisters because we have sexualized the human body and human touch so much that it has become taboo to embrace someone when they desperately need it. If two men hug, they are “gay” (as if being gay is some horribly negative thing). If two women hug, all the sudden they are lesbians who were only put upon this Earth as sexual objects of perverted 40+ year old mens desire. Its absolutely devastating that we have been so thoroughly brainwashed into abandoning each other. There are societies that have existed upon this earth for centuries that have entire medicinal arts based solely upon touch and the energy that is passed between two humans when they touch. There are martial arts based completely on the energy that flows throughout everything in our universe, including our own bodies.

The benefits of human touch are not only hailed in “alternative” Eastern medicinal practices, but in our own Western medicine as well.

I hate that our society has put such sexualized stigmas and taboos on touching each other. The positive energy passed between two human beings when they exchange touch is so powerful, it is love and I think that it is painfully obvious that our world needs as much love as possible right now. Hug someone today. Hug someone that you normally would not hug, I can PROMISE you that it will not only make your day, but it will make theirs too!

If you guys would like to learn more about how essential touch is, check out the following links:
Pleasure/Power
WebMB Power of human touch.
Reiki using human touch

^_^

Well, I havent been writing much because Kelley gave me one of my Christmas gifts early and it was The Sims 2 Deluxe Edition! Im pretty much addicted to this game and I spend hours downloading stuff for it and even more hours playing it. Right now im thinking about starting my own neighborhood with all of my custom chars in it. That will be cool.

Anyway, Soda leaves tomorrow. At about 6AM to go to his grandmothers house. I dont know how I feel about it. Generally I am pretty cool with it and I enjoy my alone time but I feel sad this year for some reason. Like, I dont know what im gonna do without him. I have to get things on my own, work on my own, be alone all day everyday. I dont know if ill be able to handle it..so..im trying to find some Xanax lmao. I want a whole bunch. Ill probably take one every single day while hes gone just to pacify myself and keep away the anxiety that I get when he isnt around. I do get separation anxiety when I am away from him. Not anything that is connected to attachment issues but I feel like hes been my security blanket now for so long and I feel at ease and comfortable as long as hes around and when hes gone its like..I dont know what to do with myself. Im used to having someone around to talk to, etc. I dunno. Hard to explain. I can just imagine when 7AM rolls around and I realize hes gone for a while. The sinking feeling in my stomach and the dread. I will be ok though. Ill pick up blogging again and that will make me feel better.

A while ago Soda and I were browsing a really awesome website that I found that has tons of gadgets, toys and just basically, tons of a kick ass shit. So, yeah, anyway…we were browsing through the list of all the kick ass shit and he saw something he wanted me to click it and check it out. So I did. He was soooo excited about this particular item  and he couldnt stop talking about how cool it was, going through all of its features and his eyes were just sparkling with excitement. This item is a little bit on the expensive side though. So, I know for a fact that he wasnt putting on some show with the idea that because he looked so interested, I would buy it for him. This thing is totally out of our price range. I mean TOTALLY.

The look on his face and the excitement that he had while looking at this thing and talking about it and telling me what he would do if he had it…it just made me feel like I HAVE to get this item for him for Christmas. I want to be responsible for all that excitement that happens when he opens up his gift and sees what it is. I want that SO bad. That would be the perfect gift for ME. To be responsible for him feeling that way.

So..I saved up and it is looking like I might be able to get him this item. I really hope so. And that my friends..is what love does to you, lmfao.

Its also relatively safe to write about this. He hasnt been getting on the computer at all lately but I still dont want to write exactly WHAT it is.

I rarely ever write about the mechanics and the dynamics that make up my relationship with Soda.  At the beginning of our relationship…it sucked. It was horrible. I have no idea how either of us  made it through…but now…things are so different. Things change. I believe we effectively went from being he and I…to us, and thats what changed things. At some point during the relationship two people realize where this is going, I think. I dont think this has to be a spoken or communicated realization. It certainly doesnt have to be for most people. But, you begin to realize that you two are no longer total separate entities but that you, along with being separate entities, are also “one.” I think that is when the dynamic of our relationship changed. When we realized that we became “one.” We started to seriously argue less and less until every argument we had we were able to smile throughout the whole thing and you could tell that there were no negative feelings, even though we were having an argument. Thats still how it is today. Its not like we dont argue. We do. We get on each other nerves a lot too. Its just that those arguments, they dont change us so they are largely insignificant and we are able to move past them in a matter of an hour or so…sometimes less. Its very remarkable how things have changed.

I never would have pictured myself in a relationship like this. Where I was living with a man who worships the ground I walk on. Where we both loved each other equally and hated spending time apart from each other. I never pictured myself having a lover who I was absolute best friends with.  I guess I just thought it wouldnt happen, or that it would happen to everyone else before it happened to me. I didnt think I would find someone who would put up with me, or that I would find someone who I would put up with. Its sort of weird how things came to be with he and I. I like it.

So, anyway…
The other morning I woke up to a little box and a note from him.  He saved up some money and went out to buy me a very pretty wedding ring set. Engagement ring, and wedding band. I dont think he knew that it was a “wedding set” lmao. I mean, I know that he bought this for me as an engagement ring, but I dont think he had any idea that the other ring along with it was the wedding band. Well, needless to say..its very very pretty. I put pictures of it up on my Flickr for everyone to check out.

Its strange for me to say that I am engaged. To be married. Im going to end up getting married. Thats so weird. But…there isnt anyone else out there for me. Everyone who knows me and Soda know without a doubt that he and I are so meant for each other its fucking creepy.

Something I enjoy about him is that…he hasnt changed me. I mean, I am sure that I have changed since ive been with him. When you meet people that mean a lot to you, they generally have some sort of influence over your life. But, he hasnt changed me in a sense that our beliefs dont clash. He knows my beliefs, respects them and in most cases agrees with them. I dont have to be demure or embarrassed, reserved or held back. I can just be me. All of me. The farting, shitting, burping, tampon throwing, disgusting, way left of center, off the wall me. And he loves it all. ^_^

Its really great.

Sodas mom is NOT invited to our wedding.  Shes a wench. I think thats probably a pretty accurate term to describe her. I dont think that I have ever PERSONALLY known a “mother” who has been so uncaring, unsympathetic and nonsupporting of their child as her. I dont know. Its a big long mess that im really, really not going into right now. I have never met her, and Soda has made sure of that for three years and for a while..it offended me. I wanted to meet her and I wanted her to be a part of our lives, but after tonight..I completely understand why he has kept us apart and there isnt a bone in my body that wants to meet this woman.

She basically throws his and I’s relationship into the dirt every chance she can get, even though she doesnt know me..and hasnt ever met me, just because she has some sick reverse Oedipus complex and shes never been able to maintain a meaningful relationship and it just eats her up and her son has something she could never have and that there is another woman taking care of her son (AND DAMN GOOD FUCKING CARE YOU GOD DAMNED BITCH). Well, I hate to break it to the cunt but…she never took care of her son. Soda says that the problem lies in the fact that he isnt growing up to “be someone” or “be what she thought he would be” or “be successful” well, ive got one big question for her..what the fuck have you done in your life? Youve never even worked a decent job long enough to halfway take care of him and his WHOLE life..hes NEVER ASKED YOU FOR ANYTHING. NOTHING.  Hes loved you, and tried to have a relationship with you for years and all you do is belittle him. Ive got news for you, when you have a child, that child is his or her own unique person. They are not an extension of you, as you seem to believe. This has led the man I love to be very sad, and very insecure with himself because the mom he had around him his whole life never gave two shits about him and acted as if she just detested him and still does.

He has made the decision to cut ties with you for the moment for this very reason. You do not make him happy. Everytime he calls you, or visits you..he comes back distraught, sad, emotional and sometimes in tears. You are a negative force in his life and tonight you finally made this very clear to him.

It really breaks my heart. My own mother loves Soda, and does so much for him. He will tell you in a heartbeat that my mother has done more for him in the three years weve been together than his mom in his whole life and that he KNOWS without a doubt that MY mother loves him, but hes not so sure if his loves him.

So, to my boyfriends mother..
Remember that every time you say he has no idea what love is. And, that we are just stupid idiots..remember that you are recalling your own failed relationship. Remember that your feelings are said in jealousy out of the fact that youve never been able to make anything work in your life. That everything you have touched has turned to shit. Remember, that you had one chance to be EVERYTHING to a little boy who needed you more than anyone in your life will ever need you and you continuously, effectively disappointed him and let him down. He says he cant remember the last time you have said an encouraging word to him. You are sad, and bitter at the shell of a woman you have become and I have to say that I derive pleasure from knowing you sit alone in your home every night and that you go to bed alone every night, and that this is the way its going to be for the rest of your life.

So, in short my dear loves mother..

FUCK YOU.

Yeah. Shes a stupid fucking idiot.

She never fails to disappoint him it seems like. Especially on days like today. His birthday. He asked his mom for two simple little things, two things that didnt even total over $20 dollars. He asked her for a flash drive, and a set of acoustic guitar strings.

She bought him a lame ass paint set. Watercolors and a plastic fucking brush.  He dont even paint.

This reminds me of the time she bought him a camera case for his birthday..when he doesnt even have a camera. The same day she bought him one, I went to Wal-Mart and saw the very same ones she got him were on sale for 88cents. Isnt that fuckin sad?

The other night my boyfriend and a few friends were walking around downtown and he ran into a guy that he hadnt seen in about five years.

When I held out my hand as he introduced me to to his friend he said….
“This is the love of my life..Leslie.”

And his friend said ”So, I see you fell in love too.”
Then Soda replied…”I really did.” And kissed me on the forehead.

I felt like a queen at that moment.

Im so frustrated right now. I am really fed up with hearing about this bullshit so im going to take a tip from Tori Spellings mom and write a FUCKING OPEN LETTER.

Dan,
Regarding this god damned amp. Listen and listen fucking close.
Damn near three years ago when Soda and I got together WE helped Ryan move out of Knollwood. I was there. Yup. I was there. So was that amp. You were gone long before that and my main question is..if that amp was so fucking important..why the hell didnt you come back and get it? It was sitting in that apartment without you long enough for the lease to run out with just Ryan there. It doesnt matter if you paid the rent every month, that is a moot, sad, pathetic fucking point. When we helped him move out of Knollwood WE (read, SODA AND I) helped him move into Rock Harbor. That amp was also at Rock Harbor for a good MONTH before Ryan handed it over to Soda. So, one again, my question is…why the FUCK didnt you contact Ryan about this stupid amp? You had weeks, months to do this and yet you didnt. Isnt there a legal statute of limitations on this sort of thing? Im pretty sure there is. That amp was with Ryan long enough for him to think it was his so he handed it over to Soda as payment for Soda helping him move twice. I was there BOTH times. All this happened over the course of me and Sodas relationship. Not long after that Soda brought the amp over to your place multiple times for “band practice” that you didnt give a shit about being a part of (I cant blame you because I didnt give a shit either) and you never said anything about having ownership of that amp but in NO TIME you had it in pieces around your house.  There isnt one time I recall you ever saying that the amp was YOURS. I remember you asking Soda how he got it..but thats far, far, FAR from explaining to him that the amp was your at the very beginning. Which would have saved me from wasting my god damn time writing this.

So, fast forward however long. Ive noticed for a good while that you dont give two shits about hanging around Soda. Im not sure why, but he was totally oblivious to it..but..im not quite as naive or maybe he just didnt WANT to notice. I didnt even bring it up to him because I know it would hurt his feelings.
A couple weeks ago..well..more like a month or so ago..he and I both came over to your house to get his bass cab that he let you borrow. He said hed come back tomorrow for the amp..and you didnt object. You waited until AFTER he left to CALL him ON THE PHONE and say “Oh, ho hum..how did that amp ever get to be yours anyway?” WHY DIDNT YOU ASK THIS ONE FUCKING YEAR AGO WHEN WE BROUGHT THE AMP OVER YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Very, very pussified way out if you ask me.

So..I did the wrong thing and assumed that you would get in touch with every mutual friend you and Soda have and draw a figurative line between you and Soda and say…”Either youre with me, or youre not.” And im    VERY fucking pissed to say that my assumptions were absolutely correct. In the past year and my very minute contact with you I have watched you go from being one of my favourite people for Soda to be around and a very positive influence, to being everything that I thought you never wanted to be. Someone who completely sold out to the “scene” and suddenly became too good for everyone but the minors who followed you to your shows and hailed your existence as if there was something to hail in the first place. Or maybe youre insanely bitter that the only band that ever promised to get anywhere no longer exists? I dont know. It was definitely after the break up of Moral Decay that I noticed this change. So im sure thats got something to do with it. But thats not anyone arounds you fault, especially not Sodas.

Im not even sure you realize that you are the way you are right now. You put up so much of a front because youve dealt with so much in life. You are the cocky smartass. The guy who ALWAYS gets one over on someone else. Youve got the best come backs and youve always got the perfect witty comeback or remark to make at someone elses expense, and its funny..you play that role perfectly but I think it hides a lot. Youve got a tough exterior but I think it stops at the exterior. And, thats where it really starts to make me less pissed off and more sad because I think youre a lot more than this.

I know that you think youve won, that youve come out on top.

Ive told Soda to let you keep the amp because if that amp really meant that you were willing to put up this much of a fight…then that pretty much sums up everything that I need to say and it really explains a lot about the person you have become, and maybe youre not willing to admit that this is who youve become..but we will see.

Keep in mind Sodas not got shit to do with this. Its all me. Im the bad guy.