So, Kelley had a quitmeter over at her site for how long its been since shes quit smoking (almost 14 weeks!!! yayy!!) so I decided to modify mine for how long its been since ive done Heroin. I dont have quite as long as she does but im getting there.

Time Passed: 6 weeks, 23 hours, 52 seconds
Grams of Heroin not smoked: 42
Money Saved: $2,400.00US. (Im not quite sure if thats accurate, although I dont know why it wouldnt be…it just looks like a lot of money….damn).

Anyway…its like 7am. I think I am SORT of getting used to waking up at 5AM every morning. Its kinda rough. But, I have come up with a routine.
Wake up at 5am, get Sodas lunch ready for the day, wake Soda up, keep waking Soda up every 5 minutes until its 5:20 or 5:30 and then he has to rush to brush his teeth and put his uniform on so we can get out the door. He works out in the country (sorta, its definitely not in the city) and theres this little gas station, called Andersons, the only gas station around that sells BADASS breakfast foods like sausage biscuits, gravy biscuits, ham biscuits..basically heaven because its a bunch of damn biscuits and im a biscuit eater..BISCUIT! Whys it spelled like that? Id just spell it Biscut. Oh well.
So..yeah..after I drop Soda off im gonna go to Andersons and get me some home made breakfast to eat on my way home, then come home and get a few more hours of sleep.

Im at the few more hours of sleep part now. ::yawn::

I hate my anxiety. I had almost forgotten how much I hated it because it disappeared for a while because it was medicated and forced to lie dormant.

When I started Methadone, I was told I would have to stop taking my Klonopin. Since getting into the methadone program was something that I believed (and still do believe) would be beneficial to my quitting Heroin, I didnt think twice about stopping it.
I guess I didnt realize how much I relied on that medication. Its NOT a good thing that I relied so heavily on it and its probably a positive thing that I have to stop taking it because I am going to have to force myself to get out and do things without being so heavily medicated.

Today I was supposed to go to the mall with mom and Kelley and I was super excited about going…but about 5 minutes from the mall…my anxiety kicks in and feel like I HAD to be back close to home, all of the sudden I was too far from home, my heart was pounding, sweat was gathering on my forehead and it was starting to bead up and drip down my face and I started to get scared. A kind of fear I have not felt in a very, very long time…and a fear I thought I would not ever feel again. All I wanted to do was come home and curl up under my night sky blanket and hold onto my feather pillow and my baby blankie and stay there and not speak, or move until this subsided and try as hard as I could not to call the ambulance, because I knew it would not be good idea to take my Klonopin. I hated it and it scared me so much I started to feel very sick to my stomach. So, I just sat with my face right in front of the air conditioner, with the air conditioner on full blast while mom drove home because I told her I couldnt go inside the mall. We drove through the parking lot and it was ABSOLUTELY packed and I knew once I got inside that place, I would lose it in a fit of panic and I just could not deal at that time. So mom called Kelley and luckily she had not left her house yet and told her we werent going because when I feel panicky I get this weird symptom where I cant really talk or swallow or anything because it feels like I will throw up and I get super out of breath..I dont know why but it makes me afraid to talk for fear of vomiting or choking.

So, it dawned on me that I am probably going to have to get used to going out, and away from home…without my anxiety medication. See, my methadone does not “get me high” anymore. It did at the beginning, and thats normal for the beginning, but once youre at your stable dose…it should not make you high…you should just feel normal and then when you get tired..you will be REALLY, REALLY tired. So, I dont feel high or fucked up…at all. This is the first time I have felt “sober” headed, and clear headed…in…hmm…lets see…a long fucking time. Im just not used to it and I am going to have to teach myself to get used to it.

Me and mom came back to her apartment, and I remembered that we had to go pick Claude up a flea collar, some flea powder, food and I had to get a little date book/planner thing (which is SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!!!!! check my flickr for a picture…). Mom asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart, but there was NO WAY was making it in Wal-Mart. I mean, its close to home, but with all of the people…ugh. I can barely even think about it without getting restless. So, we ended up going to a Target that hardly anyone goes to. We picked up all the stuff Claude needed, plus my cute planner, and some bread for me to eat (since I didnt eat any lunch because I wasnt feeling good). Mom asked if I wanted to go to the bookstore but in all honesty I did not want to, so she brought me home and I decided to lay down.

Oh well. Maybe this was just a one time thing and I will be able to do whatever I want..I dont know. I hate it though…and I hate that I am afflicted with this disorder that handicaps my life. However, we all have to work the hand we are dealt and it is up to me to make the best out of my situations in life and lately I have made a lot of positive changes and I am going to continue on that road and continue to try and do things that will slowly get me back into the groove of living a somewhat normal life, without an illegal drug addiction and with as little anxiety as possible.

::Sigh::
I am going to munch on some bread now…my eyes are getting incredibly heavy so I am also gonna lay down and rest for a while.

Y’all Be Good!!!

I swore I was going to write more here. But, I still find myself blocked and not knowing what to write about. See, I feel like every time I write, I have to write about something profound and deep. I forget that I dont have to write anything profound, or deep. That this is my journal. Just a place for me to shoot the shit and talk about whatever I want.

I checked my comments and I had one from someone ive never seen here before. They called themselves “J” and obviously did not want to be identified. They talked a bit about my Methadone treatment and offered some friendly advice. Id like to take a minute to respond to their comment.

J,
Thank you for the well wishes. I need them, and I appreciate them.

I learned quickly not to find friends in my fellow Methadone patients. I didnt learn from anyone teaching me, I learned because I have half of a brain and once I listened to what a lot of these people were talking about, I completely realized there were no friends to be found there. It does sound a bit ruthless, but sometimes the truth hurts and it does not take a genius to figure out where these people are. Dont get me wrong, I am certainly not saying I am any better than any of them…because I am NO better than any of them. I just know me and I have to focus on MY goals and MY treatment and MY recovery. Call me selfish, but I have to be.

I do a lot of things now, that I didnt do before when I was on dope. Most of it having everything to do with getting and doing things for myself with money that I just couldnt get and do when I was using Heroin on a daily basis. I have always loved to read and I am finding myself spending an amazing amount of money on books at the used book store. I love it.

There are a lot of people who do not get off of Methadone for a very very long time. I dont know what their goals were when starting Methadone, but I cannot judge them…I dont know their stories. Like I said up there, I cannot focus on anyone but me.

Im already higher than 40mg. 40mg did not even get rid of withdrawal symptoms for me. I have a dose that I refuse to go higher than, and I have an estimated time I would prefer to stay on the program and an estimated time for when I would prefer to start tapering down and eventually get off.

Once I am off, I have no interest in getting a Bupe prescription. Once I am finished, I would prefer to be finished for good. If I find that its too hard, well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I am living moment to moment, and for the first time in a very very long time, I can genuinely say that I am happy.

Thank you again, J! Send positive vibes my way. All these positive vibes people are sending really are working for me.

Anyhow….
I figured I would write a quick treatment update too…but I think my words to J may have covered it. Every thing is going really, really well. Im still experiencing some symptoms with the Methadone and I am not up to my stable dose yet, but will be by the end of this week and from there I will ride it out until I feel im ready to stop.

I have to talk about this for a minute.
There has been a REAL problem in my household for the past 4 or 5 days or so. Soda, apparently, is not flushing the toilet correctly. I noticed this problem about 4 days ago I guess because at least once a day when I would go take a piss, the toilet would not flush and it would almost back up. So, I get out the plunger and I start plunging my happy ass off with my panties around my ankles and what happens?

**WARNING**
Before I continue, I felt the need to post a disclaimer. If you think that normal bodily functions and normal human behaviors are sick and should be kept private, then do not continue reading. Ok, ok, if SHIT, POOP, HUMAN FECES offends you..then DO NOT READ THIS SHIT…uh..no pun intended.

….So, have you guessed what happens yet? Well, ill tell you. Shit and tons, and tons of toilet paper comes up. Not my shit. Not my toilet paper. No. Not mine. Sodas.
This confused me at first for one main reason…
I thought that Soda didnt use enough toilet paper to wipe his ass. In fact, this was something I always bitched about…but he always vehemently denied. I guess he was right. He most certainly DOES wipe his ass thoroughly, so thoroughly that every time he shits, he stops up the toilet and doesnt say a damn thing to me about it so that when I go in there to piss…the toilet will damn near overflow and ill my ankle deep in shit stew.

I dont know WHY all of the sudden hes stopping the toilet up. I know he is not doing it on purpose. But, I also know that once hes figured out hes stopped the toilet up, he is just not saying anything about it to me so that when I go in there to piss, I wont be able to flush and I will think that I AM THE ONE who stopped it up. Thus relieving him of all the pressure. This dont fool me, though. This has happened at least once everyday this week. When I caught on to what was happening, that Soda obviously was not courtesy flushing, I confronted him about it and told him he needs to start courtesy flushing because every time I go piss I end up having to plunge his turds and massive amounts of toilet paper out of the toilet so that the toilet will flush the next time one of us uses it.
He had never even HEARD of courtesy flushing. I told him to flush during the turd coming out, then once after its come out, then after he wipes. So thats three flushes. I told him to flush three times when he shits.

So, when I went to the bathroom around mid-day today I was fully expecting to be able to sit and enjoy my tinkle, flush, wash my hands, and walk out of the bathroom feeling like a new woman. So much for wishful thinking. When I flushed and I saw those turd remnants and pieces of toilet paper floating around in my urine…I tried to convince myself that maybe I had pooped without knowing it because if I faced the fact that Soda had ONCE AGAIN stopped the fucking toilet up…I was going to punch a hole in the wall.

I know most of you are thinking “why didnt you just get him to plunge it?” Well, I will answer that.
He makes a huge fucking mess when he plunges because he doesnt do it properly. He basically just stirs his shit stew. He doesnt plunge, he makes dinner (yuck!). So I do it.

So, anyway, I went storming, stomping into the living room screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???” And he looks at me puzzled and I say: “I know you fully realize you are stopping up the toilet, how is this happening? Are you not flushing like I told you to?” He tells me that hes scared to flush now because hes scared its going to overflow.
I said: “Listen, next time you shit, you get in there and you flush while youre shitting like flushings going out of style. You flush before you shit, you flush while youre shitting, you flush when that first turd hits the water, and you flush before every other turd hits the water and after. I dont care if you drop 18 turds you flush during and after each one, and you flush after each wipe. FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH. I am SICK of going to take a piss only to find out youve SHIT in the toilet and stopped it up again!!!!” Then I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the wet plunger (it was wet from me washing it off…not from the icky stew hahaahah but he didnt know that) and started to wave it around him, he screamed like a little girl and hid himself under the covers.

Thats what I thought. Next time, it will REALLY be turd water. I think its time he got acquainted with some turd water. Hell, I know I have over the last week. If he stops that damn toilet up one more time its HIS TURN.

If I notice him in the bathroom shitting, im going to start banging on the door screaming “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!” when he least expects it lmao. Just thinking about scaring him by doing that cracks me up. Im serious though. I would record it too if I didnt think that was a serious invasion of privacy.

Ill keep you guys updated on this shitty situation xD.

Theres a new Dear Abbie.

Dear Abbie,
My boyfriend stops up the toilet every time he has a bowel movement and doesnt tell me about it in hopes that I will think I did it when I go to tinkle and the toilet doesnt flush. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Leslie.