Isnt it funny when you tell someone to fuck off and you stop talking to them…how they still visit your site damn near every day to see what youre doing? Lmao. Me thinks its funny.

Anyways…
Soda got home last night. Woohoo! His trip really went by pretty fast. Probably because they didnt stay as long as they normally do…but they still stayed almost two weeks.

In Soda news…he is doing really well right now. I am so very, very proud of him. He is trying hard and our relationship is right on the verge of becoming normal again. He is looking so much better too. It is really amazing the toll that drug use takes on ones looks, and how (if you are young and havent been using for 10+ years) your looks go back to relatively normal.

Anyway..I completely started writing this entry like 5 hours ago and fell asleep so..I dont have anything to write about. LMAO. Sorry.

To most people, nintey one dollars is nothing…but today..I have NINETY ONE DOLLARS!! Im thinking about buying a used Sega Dreamcast..I just dont know….ohhhhh the decisions!!!!

SO NOW LITTLE MAN, YOU’VE GROWN TIRED OF GRASS
LSD, ECSTASY, COCAINE AND HASH.
AND SOMEONE PRETENDING TO BE A TRUE FRIEND…..
SAID “I’LL INTRODUCE YOU TO MISS HEROIN”.
WELL HONEY BEFORE YOU START MESSING WITH ME
JUST LET ME INFORM YOU OF HOW IT WILL BE
FOR I WILL SEDUCE YOU AND MAKE YOU MY SLAVE.
I’VE SENT MEN MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU TO THEIR GRAVES.
YOU THINK YOU COULD NEVER BECOME A DISGRACE
AND END UP ADDICTED TO POPPY SEED WASTE.
SO YOU’LL START INHALING ME ONE AFTERNOON,
YOU’LL TAKE ME INTO YOUR ARM VERY SOON.
AND ONCE I HAVE ENTERED DEEP DOWN IN YOUR VEINS
THE CRAVING WILL NEARLY DRIVE YOU INSANE.
YOU’LL NEED LOTS OF MONEY (AS YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD)
FOR DARLING, I’M MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE THAN GOLD.
YOU’LL SWINDLE YOUR MOTHER, AND JUST FOR A BUCK
YOU’LL TURN INTO SOMETHING VILE AND CORRUPT.
YOU’LL MUG AND YOU’LL STEAL FOR MY NARCOTIC CHARM
AND THEN FEEL CONTENTMENT WHEN I’M BACK IN YOUR ARM.
THE DAY WHEN YOU REALIZE THE MONSTER YOU’VE GROWN,
YOU’LL SOLEMNLY PROMISE TO LEAVE ME ALONE
IF YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT THE MYSTICAL KNACK,
THEN SWEETIE, JUST TRY GETTING ME OFF YOUR BACK.
THE VOMIT, THE CRAMPS, YOUR GUT TIED IN KNOTS,
THE JANGLING NERVES SCREAMING FOR JUST ONE MORE SHOT.
THE CHILLS AND COLD SWEAT, THE WITHDRAWAL PAINS
CAN ONLY BE SAVED BY MY LITTLE WHITE GRAINS.
THERE’S NO OTHER WAY, AND THERE’S NO NEED TO LOOK,
FOR DEEP DOWN INSIDE, YOU WILL KNOW YOU ARE HOOKED.
YOU DESPERATELY RUN TO THE PUSHER AND THEN…
YOU’LL WELCOME ME BACK TO YOUR ARM ONCE AGAIN.
AND WHEN YOU RETURN (JUST AS I FORETOLD)
I KNOW YOU WILL GIVE ME YOUR BODY AND SOUL.
YOU’LL GIVE ME YOUR MORALS, YOUR CONSCIENCE, YOUR HEART,
AND YOU WILL BE MINE….UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.

^_^

Jane says…
Im done with Sergio.
He treats me like a ragdoll.
She hides, the television..says I dont owe him nothin.

But if, he comes back again..tell him to wait right here for me.
Try again tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow.

Jane says…
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it.
She knows, they all want her to go….
But thats ok man, she dont like them anyways.

Jane says im goin away to Spain, when I get my money saved.
Gonna start tomorrow. Im gonna kick tomorrow.
Im gonna kick tomorrow.

She gets mad..and she starts to cry.
She takes a swing man, she cant hit.
She dont mean no harm. She just dont know…I dont know. What else to do about it.

Jane goes..
To the store at 8.
She woke up on St Andrews.
She waits, gonna get some dinner there.
She pulls her dinner from her pocket.

Jane says I aint never been in love.
Dont know what it is.
She only knows if someone wants her.
Oh, if they want me.
I only know if they want me.

She gets mad. And she starts to cry.
She takes a swing man..she cant hit.
She dont mean no harm. She just dont know.
What else to do about it. Jane Says. Jane Says.

Im going to try and keep this as simple as possible. I had been on heroin for about, two years. Sometimes I say three years because before that I was doing two 80mg oxycontins everday. No. I wasnt shooting dope up my arm. I was smoking it. I was…probably the most unhappy person that I, myself, have ever even encountered. But, when I was high….it was ok.

Soda and I. We had four years together. Four years…that I am never gonna get back. And, my heart is absolutely broken into a million pieces. Nope, we arent together anymore. I couldnt do it. We had a 140 dollar a day habit. Thats…a lot of money when you make what I make….WHAT I MAKE, seeings as how I was paying for him too. I dont even know how im gonna tell this story because…it doesnt make any sense to me…it just doesnt. I dont hate Soda. I never hated him and I never will….but..you know…as much as I would have liked to believe we were meant to be together…maybe we just werent because…I got tired. I started to get very tired and every moment I was able to sober up for a few minutes..I would question God, why did he force this life upon me? Why wasnt I allowed a sayso in whether or not I wanted to be here or not..and how…how in Gods name had my life turned out like this? I started to want out…months ago..but..I didnt wanna stop using heroin. He was my ticket to heroin, and I was his. We loved each other…but..we loved each other like fucking Sid and Nancy..ya know? Not healthy. I was spiritually dying and physically whithering away and everyone saw it, I think.

So..on Thursday April 10th Soda and I made plans to meet up with “the boys” (who we got dope from) as early as we could on Friday. We made these plans early in the day, because, by the time wed have gotten the money, theyd be closed down..aka..not selling. We hadnt had any money so it had already been one full day without heroin. For any opiate user, you know what that means. Soda fell asleep around…8AM. And, I was wide awake..sick.

I decided..I could cut my habit in half..if I got a hold of some needles. You read it right. I wanted to shoot dope into my fucking vein.

About a week before that, I experienced a horrible spell of depression and begged mom to try and find dads number, because, if anyone would understand…he would.

Well, anyway..here it was..Thursday morning. I got into my car…and I drove to a pharmacy thats widely known to supply needles to addicts. As im pulling into the parking lot..I get a phone call. I answer…and it was my daddy. I immediately broke down and told him what I was doing..and he told me to please not to ever ever ever use a needle and as long as im not on the needle, I gotta good chance of gettin off heroin. He asked if he needed me to come down to help me get off of it..I said no. But, that day sucked.

Soda had to work a double shift…I was restless and decided to go get my nose re pierced (I previously had both nostrils done) and I went to this..shop id never been in before…despite the fact id always gone to the same place for years..I just decided to go there.

I wasnt supposed to be there. Soda didnt want me having anymore piercings. Fuck it. I wanted them.
When I walked in…the first person I noticed was a guy..small guy…short, skinny…but….he had these gorgeous dreadlocks, and I could tell he was insanely shy and..I thought maybe he could be apprenticing to pierce..because..he came back into the piercing room with me while I got pierced..and watched.

I debated with myself..on whether or not to comment on his hair because…I was sure he got em all the time. Empty comments that meant nothing but “hey, dude, you look cool..”

So…I said..(he is red headed)
“I love your hair…its like..fire and fire is like death and death is..well, death is life. Its me and you and…everywhere we exist.” He didnt say much but “thank you.”
Piercing is over..but…he followed me out to the lobby..and I sat down..dunno why. He sat across from me and he said…”Ill do your hair for you…if you want me to..you know..ill lock it..ill have ya lookin fresh.” And, he smiled. I liked his smile. It made me feel…nice, and wanted…but I just felt this vibe between us..so we talked for a while just sitting there…and he was like hey..heres my number, blah blah..I gave him mine and then BAM I immediately thought…”I have a fucking boyfriend. Heroin addict boyfriend” and I said..”Just..be careful when you call me.”

And, I left.

At 1AM I woke up, sick as fuck. Sweating this putrid sweat. Something inside of me…pulled, and pulled for me to text message this guy. So, I did. I said “You awake?” and he said “Who the hell is this?” I said “girl from the tat shop, sorry, im a dumbfuck I dont know why I did this.”
He replied “No, get online, ill be home soon.”

So, he got online..and we talked..and I just..decided to ask…”Did you feel something between us? A vibe? SOMETHING?” and I sat there…on the edge of shitting my pants for being such an IDIOT to ask that question..and he said…”Yes. I did.”
We talked some more and he said “Hey, why dont you come to my house…we can watch the sunrise..” And I laid out the rules..no fucking, sucking, yadda yadda…I just want to see you. He said he wanted to see me too so..in a fucking TORRENTIAL rain storm, I drove to his room mates apartment. I didnt come home for 5 days.

It was about 4AM when I got there, and, remember..Soda and I were copping dope at 7:30. So..7:30 rolls around…and I told this guy, I said..”Look. Im gonna be realll honest with ya. Im on heroin. And, im about to start getting violently ill.” He said “Ok, lay down, ill get you some tea..I will take care of you.”

My phone rang. It was Soda. Wondering where I was. He woke up, and I was gone. And..I spoke the words I thought id NEVER EVER say..
“Soda..umm..im not coming home. I cant do this. Im sorry. I cant do this.” I hung up and..that was it.

The next 5 or 6 days was….a blur..I was sick. My body is now healed but my soul…my soul needs some working on.

Christoper is “this guys” name. Well, most people say Chris. I say Christopher because …I like the way he smiles when he hears me call him that. He took care of me. He helped someone he didnt even know, just because we felt “vibes” off of each other..and now..he stays with me.

In ONE day, I almost shot up dope, talked to my father for the first time in years, met a man who HELPED me, and started the process of starting my life over. I did all that without showing any emotion and now its time to start the process of healing my soul, my spirit.

You know, the night I spent with Christopher..the first night..I found a journal entry..in a spiral notebook. It was more like a Prayer. It was written on March 30th.
It said something along the lines of..

“Im having trouble being happy. Shiva, help me. I need your help…I feel like I havent even begun to learn to crawl in this life that has been forced upon me, that I had no say so in. You have always helped me..please…I LOVE you..help me.”

He helped me.

I have a lot to write about, which, I will when I have the time. But, all I can really say is that you never know what life has in store for you. People cross your path for reasons, no accidents happen in life, and that under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever…settle, or be unhappy.

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.

9 - You feel insulted and “dehumanized” when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.

8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.

7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the “atrocities” attributed to Allah, but you don’t even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in “Exodus” and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in “Joshua” including women, children, and trees!

6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.

5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.

4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs — though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most “tolerant” and “loving.

”

3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in “tongues” may be all the evidence you need to “prove” Christianity.

2 - You define 0.01% as a “high success rate” when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.

1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.

Here are some pictures I posted before..but were a big too big because I uploaded them straight from the blackberry so..im gonna repost em here so that they fit my tinsy winsy lil space here

And this SWEET lil thingie Nick (my pet kid) gave me. Its like..a little woodie doll..of a chick. Its arms and legs move and you can sit it places…its so cute! I love that little guy.

Who adore me….and I adore them back I think.

In New Orleans I met two brothers. Homeless. They lived under the bridge too. They played buckets for change on Canal. The bucket brothers.
Just now I saw a sign that said “hurricane evacuation route” and it made me think of something they said….
The rich got out as soon as they could. But the poor…..when you’re sitting amongst everything you’ve ever had and you have nowhere to go…what do you do?
We asked the bucket brothers where they went.
They told us they were stranded on a roof for three days while they watched helicopters circle around them….”I waved for help. The fuckin pilot waved back. I wasn’t trying to be friendly. I’m starving” Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T