I love signing on to see those comments. They really do make a difference in my life. It helps a lot to know that there are people out there who are going through the same thing I am, or who have gone through the same thing that I am going through. It truly does make a difference in my day, and helps to ground me as a person, and as an addict.

I wish that I could say I do not feel the temptation to use heroin at all anymore, but I do. However, that is part of the process and a lesson in how to resist temptations that are harmful. They are not only harmful to me, but HURTFUL to those around me.

There are not a whole lot of people who have the courage to come out about their addictions publicly in a blog for the world to see. Or..maybe there are and I have not found them yet. I would love to read some though…

Anyhow..I just wanted to say THANK YOU to anyone who has ever commented me telling me about their addictions and what they have gone through to get clean, or remain clean. It means a lot to me and I appreciate them! ^_^

Well, today I signed on for the first time in a while…I havent been signing onto myspace a whole lot lately, maybe once a month or so…and I see that myspace has yet ANOTHER way of ranking and categorizing friends. I dont like this. I do not like ranking and categorizing friends. Friends are friends to me. I dont rank them, or categorize them. I love and care for them all. So…finally…I was like FUCK IT and I deleted my myspace.

WOOHOO! Everyone should say FUCK YOU myspace and get rid of theirs too! Hah, I doubt that will happen…even though I really fail to see the glamor of this fuckin website…and I really cant fathom the glamor anyone else sees in it either. Oh well!

Anyways…
Soda got home last night. Woohoo! His trip really went by pretty fast. Probably because they didnt stay as long as they normally do…but they still stayed almost two weeks.

In Soda news…he is doing really well right now. I am so very, very proud of him. He is trying hard and our relationship is right on the verge of becoming normal again. He is looking so much better too. It is really amazing the toll that drug use takes on ones looks, and how (if you are young and havent been using for 10+ years) your looks go back to relatively normal.

Anyway..I completely started writing this entry like 5 hours ago and fell asleep so..I dont have anything to write about. LMAO. Sorry.

My dad was married once before he married my mother. That marriage resulted in a daughter, Kate, who is 28 years old. When I was about 7 or so, maybe younger, Kates mother dropped Kate off on our doorstep..literally, and expected my father to take care of her after years and years of her mother not even letting my father speak to her. I guess her mother had gotten sick of her or some shit, I dont know.

Well, needless to say her living with us didnt last long. She went back to her moms within a few months and I didnt speak to her again until I was like 14 years old. She briefly came around to visit me and my father and then as quick as she came..she left once again.

So…about two months ago or something like that..I dunno, two or three months ago..I found her on Myspace and I added her as my friend. We sent a few messages back and forth and then she stopped messaging me and I didnt send her any messages. At the time I was doing heroin everyday and frankly, heroin was a lot more important than trying to keep in touch with her. That is my fault. I should have kept in better touch.

HOWEVER…today, I sign onto Myspace and shes sent me the following message:
“Question….how come you would find me, add me, and then disappear?”

I just told her that I had been dealing with a lot and I apologize if she thinks I have disappeared but I was in the same place all along and could have easily been reached the same way she had just reached me.
But, I WANTED to say:
Look, bitch, you are one to talk about disappearing when you fucking “disappeared” two times in my life. We talked on myspace and if you really gave two fucking shits you could have sent me more than the two messages you initially sent me. Theres no way I could have “disappeared” when we were only talking on MYSPACE and you could send me messages any fucking time you wanted to and I would have gladly replied. Sure, I dont get on myspace as much as I used to..but I would get the god damn messages and I would reply. Not to mention..hmm, lets see…
I am a heroin addict and I got busted a month ago in an undercover sting operation so I am currently dealing with the legal repercussions from that all while trying to get treatment for my heroin addiction and not go back to using illegally.

But thats none of her god damn business.
FUCK her.

Im sitting here eating chocolate donuts. They are GOOD too.

Whew..ok…lol..I started writing this entry like 45 minutes ago. Sorry. This entries gonna be all over the place but like I said, I just feel like writing.

When I first started working for the company I am presently employed with, during the spring, summer, and fall, I would park my car somewhere downtown and walk around downtown to work, instead of driving around like I normally do. My job requires me to visit a bunch of different places during the day and the majority of those places are downtown. So, I would park my car and walk around and I had a lot of fun doing it. The exercise I got was great, and I just felt good. Ive decided that I am probably going to start walking around again because I need the exercise and I think it would just be overall…a healthy change that I could make in my life. Sure, it would take a lot longer than normal but the pros really outweigh the cons. I would use less gas, get more exercise, get some sun, etc. The only thing thats really keeping me from walking is that I dont have an mp3 player. It would be so much more fun if I could listen to my music while I walk. I brought this up to my mom and she said maybe she could get me an IPOD for my birthday. At first I didnt like the idea…but the more and more I think about it…the more and more I want a freakin IPOD! I used to think there was no need for an ipod because I had tons of CDs and therefore I had no use for one but I started thinking…
Sure, I have tons of CDs but it seems like they are constantly getting broken and thrown all over the car. If I had an ipod I could bring all of my CDs in, load them into my computer, then onto my ipod and put the CDs away here in the house and never have to use them again. Thus, eliminating all of the cds laying all over my car taking up shit tons of room…blah blah you get the picture.

So now I want one really bad hahaha. Ive been checking out all the different kinds and I would rather have an ipod classic than an ipod touch.

Kelley also found these AWESOME laptop skins. Ive found quite a few that I like. Im gonna buy one for sure so ive made a list of all the ones I like and then ill narrow it down to the one I want and buy it with some paypal money ive been saving. There are a lot of really, really badass skins on that site. They arent TOO terribly expensive either. Definitely within my budget.

Anyway…I seriously dont have anything else to write about. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my counselor at 8:30AM and then I have to go to an HIV education class and get an HIV test. So, I will be at the clinic for a lot longer than I care to be tomorrow and I need to try to go to bed by 12 or so. Last night I went to bed at 2:00AM!!!!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive been going to bed at like…9:00PM or 10:00PM but I made it allllll the way to 2:00AM last night! Thats when I like going to bed…no later than 3:00AM. I dont like going to bed super early but since I have to get up relatively early then of course I start getting tired super early too. But, ive figured out that I can wake up around 10:00AM and get to the clinic by 10:15 or 10:30AM and everything will be fine, its not any more packed than it is at 7:30 or 8:00AM, which is the time I normally go. Of course, the clinic closes at 11:00AM on Thursdays so on Thursdays I will have to get up by 9:00AM and make it down there…and Thursdays are normally pretty packed. So basically I am going to start waking up an hour or so later, giving myself a little longer to sleep, so that I can stay up a bit later and get my sleeping schedule on the track that I want it on. Which is going to bed anywhere from 12:00AM-3:00AM and waking up at about 9:30AM-10:00AM. Blah.

Ok. Im going to end this nonsense entry and watch some TV and do a little bit of reading. One of my favorite shows is on..its called “Most Evil” and it comes on the ID channel. You guys should check it out… ^_^

The last couple days between he and I have been good. A few days before that, though, werent so good. He is still struggling with the drug thing, and even though I am too..I am in a program that deals with everything legally, that wont get us in any trouble. And, while I do not like still being dependent upon an opiate every day…I do not plan on being in Methadone Treatment much longer (3 months, max), I am just super concerned about not getting in trouble.

We went to court on July 1st and they basically just postponed our court date until November 10th. I get the feeling they just did that so that some of us could lead them to new dealers, and get in more trouble so they could build cases against us, etc. So, needless to say, I am super paranoid about keeping my ass clean, you know? I feel like Soda should be too, and he isnt. He still has the mindset of an illegal drug user and he is using my being on Methadone against me. I do not believe this program is a save all. I dont believe it saves anything, its just replacement therapy. However, I am doing SO MUCH BETTER than I was. I dont wake up everyday and have to figure out a way to get up enough money to get dope. This program costs $91.00US a week and that includes my methadone, doctors AND my counselor whom I see once a week. When I was doing Heroin, ninety bucks wasnt even a good buzz. Not to mention, I got paid on Thursday…and..I STILL HAVE MY CHECK!!! Ive used maybe…sixty dollars, and I have THE REST left!!!! Can you fucking believe that? Ive never been able to keep my checks for over two or three days before because…well, I spent it all on dope. But now, I am going to be able to go out and BUY SOMETHING with my own money for myself!!

So, anyway..back to Soda…
We went to court and they postponed our court date and I feel like he just thought “woohoo! now ive got 5 months to jerk off!!! (figuratively lol).” Instead of saying “Ok, ive got 5 months to really clean up and get my shit together” which is what I thought. I said to myself…”alright..5 months, I will be off of methadone and totally clean in 5 months…awesome” and instead of feeling like the postponement was just more time for me to dick around, I felt like it was good karma coming to me and giving me time to really clean up. I dont want to get in trouble. I just dont want to. I am scared of it.

About..4 nights ago or something..Soda was begging for money, so of course I gave in and gave it to him. It was 100 dollars. He said he was going to pay his friend back…his friend tried to get some dope and the guy they were getting it from ran off with it, so Soda said he felt like it was his responsibility to pay him back. So, like a dumbfuck..I gave him 100 bucks and of COURSE he went off and bought dope with it and went into our bathroom and got high. I just went to sleep. Thats what I do…I go to bed early now, because I wake up early as fuck. Six days a week, thats my responsibility and im trying my damndest to do what im supposed to do to just do shit THE RIGHT WAY!! Anyway..of course he was nodding out and I couldnt even have a conversation with him.

The next day, I sat him down and had a talk with him. I told him we didnt deserve this. We deserve to be happy and normal. We deserve so much more and I cannot live like this. At first he threw me being on methadone up in my face and said I nodded out “constantly” and I cant lie. The first week I was on methadone, I was fucking useless. I was in an opiate stupor 24 hours a day. I would talk out of my head, I was conscious maybe…less than half the time. But then, when the shit got regulated in my system…its like I woke up from this 3 year long dream id been having on dope, and I was tired of sleeping. I told him its not true that I nodded out all the time anymore. Just because I go to bed around 9 or 10pm does NOT mean I am nodding out. It means im going to bed early because I have to get up at 6:30 or 7:00AM the next morning. The ONLY day I have to sleep in is Sundays. I told him he needed to stop throwing this in my face because he KNOWS I do not nod out and he KNOWS you cant even fucking tell im on anything anymore!!!! I told him he cannot continue using this against me in an attempt to justify his own use, and that I wasnt going to support his habit anymore because we deserve MORE. We deserve BETTER. Much better. He and I have been together for four years. Since I was 18 years old. We are each others life and we should be so fucking happy together right now. I told him all of that. I was crying and just..very very upset. But, since then…I can actually tell that he is putting forth a conscious effort. Its only been a few days…but everyday I have told him how proud I am that he has helped me have a good day, and I thank him everyday. You can tell it means a lot to him that I thank him.

I live 90 seconds at a time now. Moment by moment. I dont live day to day, I live moment to moment. Things can change in a matter of minutes, you know? My life is a collection of moments, moments that have made everything, or broken everything. I am so happy that Soda has made the last few days very positive days for me, and for himself.
It is going to be hard for us because for such a long time our bond was drugs. We are going to have to get to know each other again. It might be difficult, but I am ready. I hope he is too.

He is in Minnesota right now visiting his grandmother and I think this trip will be really good for him. I plan on talking to him a lot while he is there…I love him and I hope we can pick up where we are right now.

When I started Methadone, I was told I would have to stop taking my Klonopin. Since getting into the methadone program was something that I believed (and still do believe) would be beneficial to my quitting Heroin, I didnt think twice about stopping it.
I guess I didnt realize how much I relied on that medication. Its NOT a good thing that I relied so heavily on it and its probably a positive thing that I have to stop taking it because I am going to have to force myself to get out and do things without being so heavily medicated.

Today I was supposed to go to the mall with mom and Kelley and I was super excited about going…but about 5 minutes from the mall…my anxiety kicks in and feel like I HAD to be back close to home, all of the sudden I was too far from home, my heart was pounding, sweat was gathering on my forehead and it was starting to bead up and drip down my face and I started to get scared. A kind of fear I have not felt in a very, very long time…and a fear I thought I would not ever feel again. All I wanted to do was come home and curl up under my night sky blanket and hold onto my feather pillow and my baby blankie and stay there and not speak, or move until this subsided and try as hard as I could not to call the ambulance, because I knew it would not be good idea to take my Klonopin. I hated it and it scared me so much I started to feel very sick to my stomach. So, I just sat with my face right in front of the air conditioner, with the air conditioner on full blast while mom drove home because I told her I couldnt go inside the mall. We drove through the parking lot and it was ABSOLUTELY packed and I knew once I got inside that place, I would lose it in a fit of panic and I just could not deal at that time. So mom called Kelley and luckily she had not left her house yet and told her we werent going because when I feel panicky I get this weird symptom where I cant really talk or swallow or anything because it feels like I will throw up and I get super out of breath..I dont know why but it makes me afraid to talk for fear of vomiting or choking.

So, it dawned on me that I am probably going to have to get used to going out, and away from home…without my anxiety medication. See, my methadone does not “get me high” anymore. It did at the beginning, and thats normal for the beginning, but once youre at your stable dose…it should not make you high…you should just feel normal and then when you get tired..you will be REALLY, REALLY tired. So, I dont feel high or fucked up…at all. This is the first time I have felt “sober” headed, and clear headed…in…hmm…lets see…a long fucking time. Im just not used to it and I am going to have to teach myself to get used to it.

Me and mom came back to her apartment, and I remembered that we had to go pick Claude up a flea collar, some flea powder, food and I had to get a little date book/planner thing (which is SO FREAKING CUTE!!!!!!!! check my flickr for a picture…). Mom asked if I wanted to go to Wal-Mart, but there was NO WAY was making it in Wal-Mart. I mean, its close to home, but with all of the people…ugh. I can barely even think about it without getting restless. So, we ended up going to a Target that hardly anyone goes to. We picked up all the stuff Claude needed, plus my cute planner, and some bread for me to eat (since I didnt eat any lunch because I wasnt feeling good). Mom asked if I wanted to go to the bookstore but in all honesty I did not want to, so she brought me home and I decided to lay down.

Oh well. Maybe this was just a one time thing and I will be able to do whatever I want..I dont know. I hate it though…and I hate that I am afflicted with this disorder that handicaps my life. However, we all have to work the hand we are dealt and it is up to me to make the best out of my situations in life and lately I have made a lot of positive changes and I am going to continue on that road and continue to try and do things that will slowly get me back into the groove of living a somewhat normal life, without an illegal drug addiction and with as little anxiety as possible.

::Sigh::
I am going to munch on some bread now…my eyes are getting incredibly heavy so I am also gonna lay down and rest for a while.

Y’all Be Good!!!

I checked my comments and I had one from someone ive never seen here before. They called themselves “J” and obviously did not want to be identified. They talked a bit about my Methadone treatment and offered some friendly advice. Id like to take a minute to respond to their comment.

J,
Thank you for the well wishes. I need them, and I appreciate them.

I learned quickly not to find friends in my fellow Methadone patients. I didnt learn from anyone teaching me, I learned because I have half of a brain and once I listened to what a lot of these people were talking about, I completely realized there were no friends to be found there. It does sound a bit ruthless, but sometimes the truth hurts and it does not take a genius to figure out where these people are. Dont get me wrong, I am certainly not saying I am any better than any of them…because I am NO better than any of them. I just know me and I have to focus on MY goals and MY treatment and MY recovery. Call me selfish, but I have to be.

I do a lot of things now, that I didnt do before when I was on dope. Most of it having everything to do with getting and doing things for myself with money that I just couldnt get and do when I was using Heroin on a daily basis. I have always loved to read and I am finding myself spending an amazing amount of money on books at the used book store. I love it.

There are a lot of people who do not get off of Methadone for a very very long time. I dont know what their goals were when starting Methadone, but I cannot judge them…I dont know their stories. Like I said up there, I cannot focus on anyone but me.

Im already higher than 40mg. 40mg did not even get rid of withdrawal symptoms for me. I have a dose that I refuse to go higher than, and I have an estimated time I would prefer to stay on the program and an estimated time for when I would prefer to start tapering down and eventually get off.

Once I am off, I have no interest in getting a Bupe prescription. Once I am finished, I would prefer to be finished for good. If I find that its too hard, well, I will cross that bridge when I come to it. Right now I am living moment to moment, and for the first time in a very very long time, I can genuinely say that I am happy.

Thank you again, J! Send positive vibes my way. All these positive vibes people are sending really are working for me.

Anyhow….
I figured I would write a quick treatment update too…but I think my words to J may have covered it. Every thing is going really, really well. Im still experiencing some symptoms with the Methadone and I am not up to my stable dose yet, but will be by the end of this week and from there I will ride it out until I feel im ready to stop.

I have to talk about this for a minute.
There has been a REAL problem in my household for the past 4 or 5 days or so. Soda, apparently, is not flushing the toilet correctly. I noticed this problem about 4 days ago I guess because at least once a day when I would go take a piss, the toilet would not flush and it would almost back up. So, I get out the plunger and I start plunging my happy ass off with my panties around my ankles and what happens?

**WARNING**
Before I continue, I felt the need to post a disclaimer. If you think that normal bodily functions and normal human behaviors are sick and should be kept private, then do not continue reading. Ok, ok, if SHIT, POOP, HUMAN FECES offends you..then DO NOT READ THIS SHIT…uh..no pun intended.

….So, have you guessed what happens yet? Well, ill tell you. Shit and tons, and tons of toilet paper comes up. Not my shit. Not my toilet paper. No. Not mine. Sodas.
This confused me at first for one main reason…
I thought that Soda didnt use enough toilet paper to wipe his ass. In fact, this was something I always bitched about…but he always vehemently denied. I guess he was right. He most certainly DOES wipe his ass thoroughly, so thoroughly that every time he shits, he stops up the toilet and doesnt say a damn thing to me about it so that when I go in there to piss…the toilet will damn near overflow and ill my ankle deep in shit stew.

I dont know WHY all of the sudden hes stopping the toilet up. I know he is not doing it on purpose. But, I also know that once hes figured out hes stopped the toilet up, he is just not saying anything about it to me so that when I go in there to piss, I wont be able to flush and I will think that I AM THE ONE who stopped it up. Thus relieving him of all the pressure. This dont fool me, though. This has happened at least once everyday this week. When I caught on to what was happening, that Soda obviously was not courtesy flushing, I confronted him about it and told him he needs to start courtesy flushing because every time I go piss I end up having to plunge his turds and massive amounts of toilet paper out of the toilet so that the toilet will flush the next time one of us uses it.
He had never even HEARD of courtesy flushing. I told him to flush during the turd coming out, then once after its come out, then after he wipes. So thats three flushes. I told him to flush three times when he shits.

So, when I went to the bathroom around mid-day today I was fully expecting to be able to sit and enjoy my tinkle, flush, wash my hands, and walk out of the bathroom feeling like a new woman. So much for wishful thinking. When I flushed and I saw those turd remnants and pieces of toilet paper floating around in my urine…I tried to convince myself that maybe I had pooped without knowing it because if I faced the fact that Soda had ONCE AGAIN stopped the fucking toilet up…I was going to punch a hole in the wall.

I know most of you are thinking “why didnt you just get him to plunge it?” Well, I will answer that.
He makes a huge fucking mess when he plunges because he doesnt do it properly. He basically just stirs his shit stew. He doesnt plunge, he makes dinner (yuck!). So I do it.

So, anyway, I went storming, stomping into the living room screaming “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR SHIT???” And he looks at me puzzled and I say: “I know you fully realize you are stopping up the toilet, how is this happening? Are you not flushing like I told you to?” He tells me that hes scared to flush now because hes scared its going to overflow.
I said: “Listen, next time you shit, you get in there and you flush while youre shitting like flushings going out of style. You flush before you shit, you flush while youre shitting, you flush when that first turd hits the water, and you flush before every other turd hits the water and after. I dont care if you drop 18 turds you flush during and after each one, and you flush after each wipe. FLUSH, FLUSH, FLUSH. I am SICK of going to take a piss only to find out youve SHIT in the toilet and stopped it up again!!!!” Then I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the wet plunger (it was wet from me washing it off…not from the icky stew hahaahah but he didnt know that) and started to wave it around him, he screamed like a little girl and hid himself under the covers.

Thats what I thought. Next time, it will REALLY be turd water. I think its time he got acquainted with some turd water. Hell, I know I have over the last week. If he stops that damn toilet up one more time its HIS TURN.

If I notice him in the bathroom shitting, im going to start banging on the door screaming “FLUSH! FLUSH! FLUSH!” when he least expects it lmao. Just thinking about scaring him by doing that cracks me up. Im serious though. I would record it too if I didnt think that was a serious invasion of privacy.

Ill keep you guys updated on this shitty situation xD.

Theres a new Dear Abbie.

Dear Abbie,
My boyfriend stops up the toilet every time he has a bowel movement and doesnt tell me about it in hopes that I will think I did it when I go to tinkle and the toilet doesnt flush. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Leslie.

Firstly, opiate addiction, unlike any other addiction, is a disease in every sense of the word. It is both a physical disease in which the user shows symptoms and illness, but a psychological one and most importantly..opiate addiction is a BRAIN DISEASE. Most other drugs we know of are only “psychologically” addictive and do not cause the brain disease that opiate addiction does. It is well known that opiate withdrawal causes intense discomfort, pain, diarrhea, muscle and stomach aches, restless leg syndrome and vomiting but it also causes a disease of the brain.

There are a lot of ways someone can BECOME addicted to opiates and then there is also predisposition to opiate addiction. Saying that one is predisposed to become an addict is in no way blaming the problem on someone other than the addict, its just a genetic, hereditary truth. First, let me explain the brain disease a little bit more and I will go into more detail about hereditary addiction.

Like most all other drugs, opiates have a direct effect on the dopamine produced in your brain, or..lets say…the lack of dopamine being produced in your brain. The opiate, like most all other drugs, causes a huge release of dopamine. Dopamine controls appetites for food and sex and after about 4 months of opiate use…without the opiates..your brain just doesnt produce dopamine anymore. PET scans conducted on the brains of heroin and other opiate addicts showed this. The addiction also has a direct effect on our Norepinephrin which controls the part of our nervous system that we do NOT have control over. When a questionable situation happens, its the release of Norepinephrin that causes the fight or flight mechanism to kick in. Opiate use suppresses this when one is under the influence of the drug so the user feels safe…literally like NOTHING can harm them. So when you dont have the opiates in your system..it triggers this re uptake of this “fight or flight” and causes intense, insane panic and anxiety.

Now, there are actual opioid receptors in our body that deal with feelings of safety and happiness. These receptors are in our spinal columns I think. There are 4 receptors that are directly involved in the effects of opioids. They are: Mu, Kappa, Delta and Sigma. Like a fucking fraternity, lol. Seriously though….the delta receptor deals with euphoria (the onset of euphoria when under the influence and the extreme taking away of euphoria when not under the influence), the sigma deals with depression (the taking away of depression when under the influence and the onset of depression when there are no opioids to attach to the sigma receptors). The Mu and Kappa deal with pain relief.

The last part of the disease is the effect that opiate addiction has on our endorphines. Our bodies have opioid receptors in them because our bodies produce chemicals naturally that can latch onto these receptors and cause similar effects to opiates and opioids. Those chemicals are called Endorphines. They are super similar to Morphine and they moderate our moods, promote pleasure and manage our reactions to stress. So when someone is high on opiates, it makes sense that they are very laid back, easy going, etc..and when they are not, they are anxious, and very defensive (which would explain why Soda would run from the police even without having drugs on him). The cessation of opiate use explains the often erratic and illogical actions of the addict. Someone who has never used opiates gets a normal amount of endorphines into these receptors, whereas addicts are constantly overloading the socket, so to speak. Four months of continuous opiate use causes the body to stop making endorphines on its own. So when you quit and have made it past the gut wrenching physical withdrawals…you have no dopamine or endorphines. And it takes a VERY VERY long time for the body to begin to make these on their own again with no help from an opiate. Thats why its so easy to go use again. Its not just a matter of “quitting.” If you think it is, then you obviously have never been in this situation and you need to shut the fuck up because you arent qualified to even form an opinion on this subject

So now, back to the hereditary nature of the disease. Research has now shown that children with one opiate dependent parent have a chance of inheriting a depression which, a lot of the time, leads to addiction when they are anywhere between 18-21 years of age because around this age, their dopamine will automatically begin to decrease and their body will stop making endorphines. This causes the person to be depressed and they will seek out ways to become happy. For some this means countless trial and error sessions with SSRI’s or anti psychotics or other pharmaceuticals that often times do nothing so the person goes on to experiment with self medication- illegal drugs…and when they experiment with that opiate..BAM. Theyve hit the mark. Now, a lot of these people dont have the money or the mens or the hook up to continue use..but for many…they do. And this is the start of an evil cycle.

Methadone helps this by speeding up the process in which your brain creates dopamine and endorphines again. Not only does it have a profound chemical effect in that it allows the brain to begin the process of building up natural dopamine and endorphines, but it takes the user off of the streets. Science and medicine are finally beginning to realize the huge effect opiates take on the human brain and the disease they cause, and our government is reacting accordingly by legalizing methadone. Methadone clinics take addicts off of the streets and into medical facilities where they are properly taken care of and supervised by trained medical professionals. Addicts no longer have to go out and commit a crime in order to just feel “normal.” Methadone is not just “replacement therapy,” it is also medical supervision, doctors visits, therapist visits, support systems…everything an addict needs to recover properly in an environment where opiate addiction is understood and treated for what it is and the user is not frowned upon and looked down upon as scum. The addict now has responsibilities he or she must take care of at the clinic, whether it is keeping up with their receipts and take home dose bottles in their lock boxes, to maintaining their appointments with their doctor, counselor and support groups.

There are a lot of high strung home makers who get bent out of shape when a methadone clinic is going to be built nearby. Let me inform you…

These people have no right to even have a sayso in the decision simply because they are judging based on the term “Methadone Clinic” and giving into preconceived notions, stereotypes and stigmas about clinics when in fact they know nothing because methadone treatment is 100 percent confidential and unless someone tells you they are on methadone..YOU DO NOT KNOW. If you sat outside a clinic and watched the people who came in and out of the facility…you would not be able to tell if it were just a normal doctors office, or lawyers office, or any other normal public facility.
Addiction does not discriminate, anyone and everyone can become addicted. Ive only listed like..two ways here. There are corporate addicts who maintain a 6 figure income who became addicted when their doctor over prescribed them, there are mothers who were given narcotic pain killers after the birth of their children, there are grandparents, parents, children, businessmen….people from all walks of life and these people are making positive change in their lives.

I am one of those people. No one would know unless I told them. Now I have.

It is 3:32AM and I am not asleep. I have to go to the clinic around..oh..I dunno…6:30AM or so. They close at 11AM today so its best I get there as early as possible because im sure there are going to be tons of people there. Now, when I say tons..I mean tons. In one and a half hours that methadone clinic doses 500 people and sends them on their way home.

So, I guess I am due to write a little more detailed update. I dont mind. I am really going to start using my blog as a journal, a mechanism for self therapy. You may laugh at that, but you also havent been through what I have recently.

Like I said, on Tuesday, June the 10th my boyfriend and I were on our way to pay off some traffic tickets he had and, well, its no secret now that we both have a heroin problem. On Monday, June 9th we made a pact with each other…that was our last day. We were going to buy one gram, thats all..and split it, and that would be it. We would be sick and sweat it out together. That day we didnt have enough money to buy a whole gram…so we got a half of one fronted to us. That means we owed our “dealers” the money for a half a gram of heroin.
On Tuesday morning, June 10th, on our way to pay off some of his traffic tickets…we decided to meet up with them to pay them back to get it all over with. We met in the usual fashion. Soda hopped back in my car and it was somber moment. We started to leave the grocery store parking lot that we met up in…and a car almost hit us. I am a mouthy bitch so I was yelling the typical road rage rhetoric when the male in the car starts to get out. At this point..im thinking..”Ok, We are about to get beat up by a big ol black dude.” Now that I look back on it, I sooo wish we would have gotten beaten up by big ol black dude. Big ol black dude turned out to be Big Ol Vice Squad. He choked me back into my passenger seat so that he could reach all the way through the window and grab Soda by his neck. Soda split. Im not sure why he split…but…as humans our fight or flight mechanism kicks in during this situation and he flew. I tried to fly, but I couldnt get the car to move. I tried for what seemed like hours to get the fucking car to drive because I was going to get the fuck out of there. I realize now that it was only about two seconds and the car wouldnt drive because it had been turned off by force, when it was not in park. So, when I was trying to turn it on..it wouldnt because it wasnt in park. By this time I looked out the window to see Soda on the ground getting beaten by about three cops. I just remember his face smashed against the pavement and three cops piling on top of him. About that time the same black guy grabs me by one arm out of the car. I was not resisting at all. At this point, my senses had kicked in, I wasnt thinking irrationally..and there was no reason for me not to comply with everything that was going on around me. He pushed me, and shoved me, and did everything he could short of pushing and knocking me down. I verbally protested “Sir, There is no reason for you to push me like this, I am not resisting.” His reply was “Im just making sure you dont fall.” At that point, if he wasnt a police officer…I would have turned around and smacked the fuck out of him. Did he think that because he was bigger than me he could push me around and treat me like I was below him? Was it because I was female? White? Because he had a better job? Or because…wed been caught in what they assumed was a drug deal and he was looking at me like I was junkie scum and junkie scum isnt worth respect? It doesnt matter. What does matter is that he was treating me as if I was somehow unequal to him, under him, less than him. I dont know if any of you here reading this have been truly treated as if you are LESS THAN equal to someone, but it is the most dehumanizing, humiliating feeling in the world. I am not saying I did not deserve to get caught. Im not bitching about getting caught. Up until that point I had been committing crimes everyday, multiple times a day. Buying illegal drugs. That is criminal activity and I was a criminal, taking part in criminal activity…not at that moment, on that particular day, but I had been for days before that…so, yes, I deserved arrest. I did not deserve dehumanization.

Anyhow, I soon learned that I had been caught in the middle of a sting. The news media (you can see a video about the bust and even see our mugshots here). Basically they caught 15 addicts and the 4 dealers. Because Soda and I were not buying drugs, and had no drugs on us at the time of the bust, we were treated with the utmost disrespect by the police..ironic, eh? I think its because they just didnt get what they wanted so they slapped us with the most bullshit, trumped up charges EVER. Ok. Soda got evading and resisting…which he deserved because thats what he did. BUT, they charged BOTH of us with paraphernalia….the exact charge I believe was “unlawful use of drug paraphernalia.” Heres the fucking kicker..the paraphernalia they are talking about is as follows: ROLLING PAPERS, DIGITAL SCALES, and A CIGARETTE ROLLER!!! Ok, I can understand the digital scales..but the fuckin rolling papers and cigarette roller… WHEN THERE WAS CIGARETTE TOBACCO IN THE CAR!! Oh my God. Anyway..we ended up sitting at the secret sting location (a mall parking lot) from like 9AM to 6PM in the scorching heat, then we were loaded into literal cages on wheels and hauled to jail where we stayed until 2AM. Soda made pretrial. I didnt, I dont know why I didnt and he did..but he did. His bail was more than mine, his bail was 6k. Mine was 2k. Anyway…I had to make bond but I got out. Our court date is on July 1st. I am getting a public defender. I think I will be ok.

Like I said, I am in the Methadone program which is treatment for opiate addicts. Not a lot of people understand opiate addiction. The brain of an opiate addict is very very different from that of a normal person..and not just because of the drugs. There have been amazing medical and scientific advances in the area of study that involves opiate addicts and how our brains work…the information is amazing. I am learning so much at the clinic and I will write about the emotional mind and physical brain of an opiate addict in my next entry…as well as why I support methadone clinics and why suburban moms need to stop fucking bitching when one is built in their neighborhood.

Until next time….
Send me positive vibes.